Pregnant. Unexpected. What do I do…?

[pregnantworriedandwondering]

This is my first post so please be gentle because I have absolutely no idea what to do. I think I just need to get all my thoughts out and an outside perspective.

I recently found out I am pregnant. I’ve been married 7 years and we tried for a couple of years, went down the investigative route, did all the tests, went as far as we could go down the IVF route that we could afford and naturally, nothing ever came of it. We just carried on our lives as normal, took the pressure off, I came to terms with the fact that it wasn’t something that was going to happen for us.

I am incredibly lucky to be in the position that I have two lovely step children, who I have a great relationship with - one of them cannot remember life without me in it, so I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on having children in my life as I’ve been there for them, I’ve been present and fully embraced being their step mum - I love them to bits and can’t wait to see them grow up and support them throughout their lives.

In terms of our working lives, my husband has a well paid, secure job and last year, he supported me through the massive change of me pursuing my dream of building my business that I started whilst working in my own, decent, secure job to become fully
Self employed. Since then, the business is going really well, had a massive year planned and the momentum is just building up and as a result I was hoping to grow it further after a year of long hours and massively hard work from the both of us.

Now I’ve found out I am pregnant. Neither of us saw it coming. Not on the cards at all. My SC are teenage and almost double figures, so they are growing up and thriving, and we saw ourselves planning our next steps - building the business so we both could do it full time and involving the kids, buying our forever home for the four of us, supporting them through the next big years in their lives. We did not see a baby in the mix, and I have no idea what to do.

I genuinely enjoy my life at the moment - we have a good marriage, my husband is supportive, I have a lovely relationship with my SC, good family and friends etc. I’d come to terms with not having a child of my own. If I hadn’t have discovered that I was pregnant, I think I’d have just carried on with life and not given it more thought other than, it simply isn’t going to happen for us.

Now it has, I just don’t know what to do. We’ve spent since new year discussing it, the repercussions of what is going to have to happen, how the dynamic will change, how the hell my business is going to keep going when it’s literally only me that can do the work for it, how we are going to support a maternity leave when I will have no income, supporting three children not two, how we are going to pay my high business rents, rates and overheads again whilst I’m making no income, the mortgage, the car, the bills, all that, and actually as to whether it is something that we both still want in our lives.

My husband is a good man and will support me in my decision. He understands that it is something I need to decide for me and how I feel.

But the thing is, I don’t know what I want. I’m happy and have been really fine with everything as it is at present and looking forward to the years ahead on the path I saw them going, just the four of us.

I’ve always been a bit of an odd person in terms of the way that I’m very independent, don’t suffer fools, just get on and sometimes come across, admittedly a bit cold and cut and dry when it comes to decisions. I can just switch off feelings and bury them like it was something that never happened. I wonder if I do that with this and decide not to go through with it, I’ll regret it one day.

At the moment, the negative is outweighing the positive. My reaction when the test came back positive was ultimately that I burst into tears and thought “f**k, everything’s over”, and I sort of spiralled into worrying about the fact that we’d have to move house, I’d lose everything I’d worked for, things wouldn’t be the same etc. If when we started trying 6 and a bit years ago, I’d have fallen pregnant, it would have been the perfect time, there wouldn’t have been so much that could go wrong. Now, it’s just the worst time for so many reasons and I worry that if we do go through with it, it will just open the flood gates up to a barrage of upset and issues and take the joy out of it all.

I don’t even know if this is an AIBU post, I think I just needed to write all this down and see if there was anyone else who had been in this position before. I am utterly exhausted with going backwards in my mind. My gut says no, carry on as before, but there’s a small part of me that can’t help but wonder.

Thank you for reading, sorry it’s so long

I agree with others that all your worries seem to be about your business, which is perfectly valid, but also seem resolvable if you want them to be. Your husband could take the parental leave (I don't know how it works these days in detail but I think you can split it between parents?), you could have a childminder who brings the baby to your unit for feeds or to sit next to you while you work or whatever might fit in with what your business is.

There are hundreds of good reasons for abortions but reading your post it feels like a shame in your case as it is clear the want for the baby was in there and probably still is, you just have different priorities right now. But in 5 years time you could have both a business and a 4 year old, it's doable!

I am 100% pro-choice and have often said on here before how much I dislike the assumption that anyone contemplating abortion will regret it and be terribly upset. Lots of women have abortions for whatever reason is right for them and are perfectly happy afterwards with zero regrets at all.

However, in your case I think the chance that you would regret an abortion is really high. You tried everything you could to have a baby and then resigned yourself to the fact that you couldn’t.

At 33 you are really young to think that you’re fixed in your current situation and nothing can be changed. MN is full of threads with people 10 years older than you considering pregnancy. I think 33 is also young enough (and old enough!) to cope with (mostly) whatever happens with a baby.

I just think that it would be quite easy to imagine a time in the future where you think to yourself “After desperately wanting a child, I had the chance to have one and I aborted it - what on earth was I thinking?”

I wouldn’t judge you, whatever your decision though.

Also, what would your SC think of having a little brother or sister?

Thank you all so much for your replies - reading through them is really helping me to get around it in my head and think through things logically and understand the next steps for us - the input is very much appreciated ❤️

Not the same but I found out I was pregnant again when DD was only 6 months old, it was torture as totally not planned or wanted. Take time for it to sink in and really weigh up how you would feel to have a termination. Even though you were happy with life without a child of your own and accepted that life has thrown you a curve ball one of which you may never get again. Most negatives can be overcome if you really want them to.

I decided to keep mine and he is now 20 I call him my happy accident, of course I never regretted it for a moment once he was here but it took a while to accept.

I think you are still young and surely you can take some time out of the business if you have to and you can pick it back up later. Like pps have pointed out, you must have really wanted a child to have gone through ivf. If I were you I would have the baby.

Your relationship with your stepchildren sounds really lovely btw and you are obviously dedicated to them. What do you want life to look when they go move out/go to uni?

I think there is no real right or wrong answer here OP and please do get some independent counselling to help you through this. Do you want to care for a baby and a child? That’s the question you need to answer. If the answer is yes, you’ll mitigate or accept other negatives. If the answer is no, then you know what you want and what to do.

How do you think your step children will feel about a half sibling at this stage? They deserve to be considered, they didn’t ask for this. You could end up blowing up a happy blended family for something you aren’t sure you want. Or it could be amazing.

Op I'm unsure if this will help but here's my experience.
Me and DP were trying for 4 year, nothing came of it and we gave up and accepted its not in the plan for us so we moved on with life. He switched careers and I opened up my own business. I've been doing that for coming up to 2 yrs now. In June last year I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly obviously as i assumed after 4 years of nothing that was that. I also reacted the same as you. What about the business, has that ship sailed now as we've settled with the fact we'd never have a baby etc.

I decided to continue with the pregnancy and I'm now 33 weeks and due to have our little one in 5 weeks time. If I had ended the pregnancy I would've been devastated looking back. I was worried at the time but it just feels so right now we're so close to meeting him. I'm still working atm and plan to do so until 37w. I'm only having 5 weeks off work total then having family taking turns to come over and help out with baby so I can work again ( I work from home, unsure if you do) I'm not worried at all. I love my business, work and my success and hope it continues to grow but ultimately this little human makes me worry less about everything. I'll earn money again, I'll pick the business up again, I'll make it work somehow - for him.

You have time to think and it's your choice completely. This is just my experience☺️

Purely from a financial perspective, does your DH get paid paternal leave from his employer (eg would a female working there be entitled to maternity leave?)

If so he could take the paid parental leave instead to care for the baby, and you get back to your business as soon as you feel well enough post birth.

Bollocks. Plenty of people do.

Take the business out of it. People grow successful businesses with babies and young children. Dh jacked in his paid job when our eldest was 2 months old and I was only on SMP to start a business. We made it work. It’s hugely profitable now. I did a PhD! You can make career shifts and build businesses and get whole new qualifications with small children. It’s absolutely not the end of the world. In fact, our most successful and productive years have been since we had our dc.

When your stepdaughters are flown the coop in a few more years, will the house feel empty? When you go to their weddings, will you wish you had a biological child of your own to see marry? What about when they have children, will you long for a biological grandchild? The reality is that you can’t put the cat back in the bag now. Will you always look back and think about that child that you wanted and could have had, but chose not to? It’s no longer an abstract anymore. It’s a child that will be in your life, hopefully forever, unless you choose not to have it. I think you need to focus less on the baby years and the business and more on what 10 years, 20 years, etc looks like for you.

I agree wholeheartedly with this .
Divorced step mum here .. cannot imagine how bereft I’d feel without my own DD who I’ll have for life .
i still have quite a good relationship with one of my SC , the other ( who I brought up for 18 years in my home ) lucky to get a text once a year .

No fall out … just drifted .

In your position OP , I would have the baby .
You can recover financially but you may never get this chance to become a mother again .
Of course no judgment if you choose otherwise .

good luck with whatever you decide.
Take care

I get the impression this has all come as a bit of a surprise (shock?) and you're panicking a bit because you know you have a limited time window in which to make a decision.

It's rocked the boat at a time when you've come to terms with the prospect of not having your own child, moved on and started building a stable life for your family of four, very successfully and happily by the sounds of it.

You now find yourself in a situation where the security you've worked hard for in recent years is under threat and your plans have gone awry.

I suspect you might just be in panic mode right now tbh as it seems as though you're seeing this as baby vs business and not thinking through how you can manage both.

If you work for yourself and have your own premises, presumably you can take baby to work with you? Is this a possibility? As pp said could you get help in while you're working? A few hours a day would be a good opportunity for a teenager to earn some pennies and not cost you a lot, and you'd be on hand as well?

Or could you work a few hours evenings and/or weekends when DH is available?

Not suggesting this as a long term solution or that you could work full time, but by being flexible with your hours you could do enough to keep the business at least ticking over for a couple of years, then maybe you'll be in a position to have baby in nursery some of the time and start growing it more?

I don't think this has to be a one or the other decision, where there's a will there's a way.

I would never judge anyone's decision over abortion, you have to do what's right for you, but in this case it's clear you have very much wanted a child in the not so distant past and you'd probably regret it if you didn't keep this baby. Although the next few years will be hard work, I think you can have your cake and eat it in the long run.

Wishing you all the best whatever you choose.

This is a hard one. If it weren't for the fact that you have tried to have a baby via IVF in the past, I would have said it was a no brainer.

The fact that you have tried IVF suggests that at some point, you really did want a baby, but that time has moved on and you have accepted the fact that you're not going to have one. Timing is really important in these situations - yes, if you're planning a baby, you can't be certain that it will happen when you want it to, but when you're not planning a baby (even if you were at some point in the past) it may not be the right thing.

Just imagine for a minute that you'll never have a baby of your own - How does that make you feel? If it's fine, then I think you're right to terminate the pregnancy, but if any part of you still wants a baby of your own, then I think you have to keep the baby.

Good luck whatever you decide.

At the moment your business has been your baby. You've been growing it, nurturing it, watched it take it's first steps and now encouraging it to be as successful as it can be. I can see why you feel the way you do about it. Your attention and love has been poured into it.

You deserve every success that comes your way, including a baby if you choose to grow and nature it as you have your business.

I've been loosely in your shoes. I have had a surprise baby. I'm also older than you and had definitely, like you moved on from the ttc baby fever.

I now had a toddler and while life is very different than what I had planned. I don't regret it. I'm still me but feel complete (I can't explain it properly and it's a cringey as it sounds) and I don't expect everyone to feel how I do. Life has taken a alight detour but I'm enjoying all the bumps and twists that it's brought.

Whatever you decide, it will be your sliding doors moment. There's no right or wrong choice only the one thay suits you and your family best. Good luck x

I agree with this, and the poster above who spoke about the insecurity of a step parent relationship.
I really wanted a baby, I started trying very late, not by choice, and I got pregnant very quickly. I saw the test and felt, well “oh fuck.. that’s it now, no way out, do I even want this “ It was just the shock, the huge shift that I knew was coming, after all motherhood isn’t something you can change your mind about, once you have a baby. It felt quite overwhelming. I thought about why I felt scared and allowed myself to have those feelings of doubt and adjustment.
It’s normal, when your life is nice and going to change, to feel worried or apprehensive about the difference. That doesn’t mean that you don’t want your baby, I really wanted my baby, it’s just a big shock and adjustment. It takes time to process. It’s ok to have a wobble.
Have a think about those feelings and what you are worried about, because from the outside it does look, actually, like a good time for you to have a baby. There is no perfect time anyway. This might be your only chance, and that might also be adding to the pressure. There are negatives as there always are, but also positives. A baby links you all together as a family in a new way.
Of course motherhood is hard, at times overwhelmingly so, and yet also brilliant and rewarding. It has shaped and changed me, it has challenged me and made me look more closely at how I could be better. It has also made me happier than I’ve ever been.
Give yourself a few days to adjust to this, don’t overthink every negative thing, just sit with this and then see how you feel. I found that once I allowed myself to feel excited it all felt right.

The love you feel for those step kids won’t be in the same arena as the love you will likely feel for a child you’ve carried. 33 is a great age to have a baby. The fact you went through ivf and trying suggests to me that you must have wanted a child at some point. Yes things have changed but you’re unlikely to regret it. Your husband has his own children so he will see it as more of a negative. Honestly there’s no love like the love you have for your own child.

Just wanted to say thank you to you all for taking the time to read this post and reply to it - honestly, it has been so helpful to be able to read through your experiences and advice and try to think about some of the really valid points that have been raised as well

I was quite worried about posting, but so glad I did, so thank you all ❤️