My husband want a baby and I don’t

[Dutched]

We’re both 40 and have a daughter in med school. My husband has suddenly asked if we can try for a baby. I’ve said no, he thinks I’m being unreasonable.

Well if he wants one that much he'll have to find a younger model that's happy to have one with him.

You are entitled not to want one and he is entitled to want one but let's hope it's just a whim and not something he'll break up a long term relationship over.

Has he lost his mind? Going back to the beginning at 40 after getting a child to be a successful adult sounds like insanity to me. Time to enjoy the extra cash, go on holiday in term time and have sex without having to listen out. You can focus on your careers and have a fantastic retirement if you want . Baby would be like putting a bomb in your lives.

Mid life crisis

Has he got any hobbies?

It’s no different to wanting another baby. I
don’t know why when it’s a man he should ‘trade in for a younger model’. Nobody would say this to a women.

Nah babies are two enthusiastic yes's or it's a no. You're a human being not an incubator for his midlife crisis.

Wonder if he'd be as enthusiastic if he was the one who had to grow the fecking thing and push it out of his fanny.

It's not about reasonable or unreasonable. It's the fact that both of you have to feel more or less the same about it. If you were up for the idea in principle but had a few reservations, it'd be fine for him to expect you to discuss it. But if you really don't want to, there's no wiggle room.

Assuming you both want to get past this (and, sadly, if this really is something he feels a burning need to do, then it's a dealbreaker, isn't it?), then it might be worth saying why you feel this way. I am slightly stereotyping, but IME men are sometimes a bit less clued up than women on the realities of TTC at 40.

I think it's unfair to say a man is having a midlife crisis if he wants a child over 40. Many women are on these boards pregnant/want another baby over 40 and they're not told they're having a midlife crisis.

Of course if OP doesn't want another child she doesn't have to have one, but I'm not sure why there are double standards in the reaction here.

WTF. No.

What do your pensions look like? Do you have lots of funds set aside to fund another education?

He's fine risking your health and supporting another kid for the next 20 years?

He's being irrational.

If dh announced he wanted a second child when we'd already parented our first to adulthood and we would them be parenting until nearly 60 years old at best I'd be telling him to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Dd is 13 and I'm 46. No way would I want to be back to school runs and juggling childcare and work with a 5/6 year old. Done that and am loving the freedom a teen brings. Once she's left home it'll be time to focus on holidays, building retirement funds and our relationship as a twosome.

He's not unreasonable to ask
You are not unreasonable to say no.

I'm 53 and have a 15 year old, would not recommend it given how long I'm going to have to work now to get her through university etc

And what double standards? Women who want a second when their partner says no are told the same. Children deserve two enthusiastic yeses from their parents

Have you posted this before? I feel sure I’ve read this a few weeks ago.

I'm all for compromise in marriage but seen as it is you that would need to carry the baby and give birth, which is exhausting at the least and at worst comes with serious complications which could be life threatening, I would be telling your husband that it is 100% your right to decide not to have another child.

Who did the majority of child care for the one you already have @Dutched
Was it you? If so i would be thinking he doesnt want you to have more freedom.

I mean it’s a two yes job so neither of you are unreasonable but if it’s something he really wants and you don’t you’ll have to separate.

Is amusing reading the comments about pension, getting a hobby, midlife crisis, enjoying life and such. Nobody ever mentions that when a women of 40 plus wants a baby it’s always go for it.

No - I mean that no one on here says a woman is having a midlife crisis if she starts a thread saying she wants another baby and she's 40+.

@UndermyShoeJoe I keep my mouth on those threads, but when it's a woman being pressured by a man I'm sisterhood all the way! I think it's madness to want to start again at 40 but I'm not going to say that to a woman who wants to. If they don't, it's a different matter.

Literally told a bloke he was a twat for pressurising his wife on this thread this morning https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/one_child_families/5250297-i-want-a-second-child?reply=141290974

Neither position is unreasonable. Babies require two yeses.

You're going to have to discuss it and figure out if this is just a whim or if he's really serious about it, and what it means for your future.

@JenniferBooth it’s been a fairly even split. There are years he’s done more there are years I’ve done more based on career, age. Ie he is the perfect example of sleep when baby sleeps, I can’t do that. So he did all the nights for first 6 months. I dealth with most of the temper tantrums in the terrible twos, as I’m calmer and firmer.

I would rather retrain as a wing-walker.

How does a man asking his partner if they can try for a baby mean the woman is being ‘pressured’ by her partner?

No need for the hyperbole…

Both sexes have this problem, the suddenly working out that their child is an adult and all the baby days are behind them, with men I think it's their version of empty nest syndrome. Give it a while Op and I think he'll be glad not to be an older father

Well I assume if it was a brief conversation where she felt her opinion was respected she wouldn't have bothered posting 🙄

When it comes down to having a baby, the 'no' wins, end of discussion. Especially if the 'no' is the woman who will carry and birth this child, and be tied to it for at least the 1st year, possibly longer, if breastfeeding.

I had my tubes tied at 40. I would rather have chewed glass than have another child at that age. My youngest had started school the year before and I was really appreciating the freedom that gave me.

Tell him you've thought it through and the answer is 'no'. But if HE wants to carry and birth this child, then he can go right ahead (lol).

He is absolutely entitled to raise the issue. You are absolutely entitled to say no. But I do think you need to talk about it.