To ask my mum not to tell off my DC

[Nellyelephanty]

My mum was a really fair kind, firm mum growing up and I think she struck a really great balance as a parent.

She is however, not a great grandparent most of the time!! She struggles to be a grandma and not a a mum. Whenever I’m with her and my children, she talks over me and gives them instructions and tells them off, even as I am correcting behaviour she interrupts me and talks over me.

My son age 4 has started telling me he hates grandma as she’s always telling him off. I can see his point - 90% of the time she’s correcting him even when it’s pointless stuff like we are walking through the woods and she said stop zigzagging walking straight, don’t hit nettles with a stick, stop shouting, don’t interrupt adults when they are talking (all in the space of 2 minutes it’s relentless). She would have been happy for us to play on the woods and whoop and shout as children.

Shes become very anxious as she’s got older and my stepdad is very poorly and struggles with noise. If we ever go to their house any time my children talk she says shush. It’s OTT. I understand why, so we don’t go over any more. But even if we meet out she is still very correct-y. The ratio of chatting to the children is completely over run by excessive telling off. Eg shouting don’t run near that expensive French windows they will smash when my son was 1 metres away from the triple glaze window and not in any way about to run into the doors.

I’ve tried telling her let me be the mummy and you be the grandma - you do the fun bits like playing and let me do all the correcting (I’m not afraid to correct my children). But it only works for 30 seconds and she’s back to the same old.

shes booked a family holiday in the uk for this summer (without asking if we wanted to go) and assumed we will join which I’ve said we will. But my son says can we go but without grandma all she does is tell ne off, I don’t like her. He’s started saying he doesn’t like her in front of her, she just gets more cross and tells him off!!

Im starting to avoid her more and more as I always have my children with me (SAHM). Im struggling to know how to move forwards and with her and I know avoiding her will just be hurting her feelings. Argh!

She doesn't sound that great if she's always barking orders. Speak to her and explain how your son feels because of her behaviour. I'm sure she'll be upset to know that and will hopefully change.

It sounds like being around her makes your life harder with the DCs?

Yes.

But she’s always texting saying how are they, how sweet they are. Sending presents every couple of weeks. I think she likes the idea of them but struggles with the reality. She plans fun craft activities but she’s disappointed when they aren’t grateful enough etc ( too little). She has really good intentions as a grandma but in person she’s overwhelmed and snappy

Yes, you're going to have to have a Big Talk with her and it will be difficult and your mum probably will get upset.

Be brave enough to tell her that you won't be coming on the holiday as things stand. Explain that none of you will have a nice time - her because she clearly doesn't like the children's behaviour, them because grandma's always telling them off and you because you're caught up in all of it, not being able to relax.

You can't really give her an ultimatum to make her change her behaviour but you can tell her how her behaviour is making you feel and that it has come to a crux and you will be spending less time with her because that's the bit you can control.

Good luck, love!

Tell her you are worried her disciplining your son all the time will ruin their relationship?

I think you need to make her aware. You need to explain to her that she's always correcting him, and then you need to pick a phrase like "mom, stop correcting him" and say it every time.
"mom stop correcting him, he can walk zig zag in the forest"
"mom stop correcting him, he can hit the nettles it's not going to kill anyone"

If she talks over you say politely,"excuse me mom, I was actually speaking to Joey just now" Hopefully the message will sink in, if she challenges you just say I'm only going it when you correct him.....

You need to talk to her and tell her this is a problem and that neither you nor your children are enjoying time spent with her.

Make it clear you are perfectly capable of parenting and when she interferes she undermines you.

Tell her the job of grandparent is different to parent and that if she isn't enjoying time spent with her grandchildren, that is fine, but then she should spend less time with them.

Can you have a heart to heart with her about it - “mum I love you and I loved the mum you were to me growing up. You don’t seem the same with my DC and are very anxious and naggy constantly which is impacting mine and DCs relationship with you.

Can you seek help or work on your anxiety or can we work out why you are so different as a Gran vs Mum as otherwise I think we need to reduce where and how often we see you which I really don’t want.”

it needs nipping in the bud asap as it’s unfair on your DC and I’m sure your Mum can find her way back with some help to the lovely mum she was to you.

Yes, I think this is the best and kindest option. If she has good intentions and has been a good parent to you and senses the love in what you say, it should work out ok!

It sounds like this behaviour is rooted in anxiety. I don't think she's aiming it at your DS, more a need to control her surroundings/avoid imagined catastrophes lurking around every corner. I'm not sure what the answer is - if you just tell her not to do it/be the fun grandma she'll feel powerless (about these imagined impending disasters like the French doors!) and even more anxious.

I wonder whether she would be receptive to getting her to direct her irrational worries towards you, instead of jumping straight on DS? So like the thing about hitting nettles with a stick, if she spoke to you quietly, 'If he keeps hitting those nettles, sooner or later they're going to smack back on him and he'll get stung', then you can rationalise with like, 'We all got stung as kids, sometimes it's the only way to learn!' She'll have got that spiralling anxiety off her chest, and DS won't have a clue.

I really don't think she's meaning to take out her stresses on your kids, and I've seen how family members who are struggling kind of manifest that anxiety in other ways. Don't be too hard on her.

100% agree with you. You’ve really explained it well. She’s trying to control all possible negative eventualities. Because she’s worried and anxious.

My mum's a bit like this, she has anxiety about a lot of things, especially around DC becoming injured. I just firmly say "he's allowed to do that". And then then to DC and say "go ahead, you're allowed to zig zag".