Men and moods!

[lifebow]

AIBU that I just told my H that I don't want to know about his anger/mood anymore.

My DD is being assessed for autism, she only wears certain clothes. None of which were in her room. She's been swimming and is tired. So she's gone into a sort of meltdown walking around the house looking for the clothes. She's opening cupboards and throwing stuff out. Now she would have stopped after the odd cupboard (she's 9 btw) but DH just followed her, slammed cupboards shut behind her. She said leave me alone I'll find something else but he carried on saying tell me what you're looking for and I'll find it.

At that point he should have walked away. But he doesn't. Now he's kicking off that he won't be able to come on our day out planned as we've wasted this time sorting what she'll wear, it's clear DD is demand avoidant. It's clear she's autistic. It's clear that everything takes time with her but he has such a black and white attitude. He's not adaptable and he throws his toys out of the pram! He suffers from OCD and is finally getting some help, on the back of that he needs to spend some time doing his own thing which is fine with me. I said I'll take the kids out.

He slams doors and cupboards and I feel life would be easier on my own. He's on the kids case all the time - for homework, just he's like someone who is constantly tap tap tapping them on their heads. His anxiety rubs off on everyone.

He has started talking and mumbling to himself.

I am so fed up of his eccentricities.

Why are your DD's neurodivisity and mental health problems 'allowed' but your husband's mental health problems are not?

Give him some grace

Edited to correct misunderstanding

She doesn't say her DH is neurodiverse

I don't think DH is neurodiverse, I allow him his space everyday! I'm carrying so much emotional and physical baggage.

I too have my own MH problems but I have taken the step to have actual psychotherapy and building up the tools to help my DD and DH. He has OCD yes, he has low level anxiety too. But he's the adult right? He's the one that needs to recognise his responses are making a situation worse?

I meant grace, not space. It wasn't a typo.

I mean that it reads like you are very understanding of your DD's needs and work around what she is capable of, making adjustments for her where needed and presumably supporting her in accessing professional support where appropriate (and available! ).

But, you expect your DH to deal with his difficulties in a way that doesn't impact on anyone else. You sound unsupportive of him with his struggles. Yes he is an adult, and has more agency and responsibility to find help with his struggles. But he also deserves the same grace, understanding, etc that you give to your DD.

I don't think your DDs needs trump your husband's. But do you?

Its MN women can have bad days and mood swings but men are not allowed.

Not true!! I am massively accommodating of his needs particularly around his OCD. He needs to put his daughter first and recognise when he is dysregulated.

Actually I'd say a child's need do trump the parents! And OP is only human too and understandably can get overwhelmed from supporting everyone. Yes men are allowed to MH struggles, bad days and all the rest but things can come to head within a family and decisions might have to be made when it's affecting the children. Sounds like OP has another child to deal with in her DH. And I suspect a parent wouldn't suggest their 9yr old child is sent away to stay with a family member for some space....it would always be the affected adult that would need to do this.

Team DH.

If your DH has OCD then he is neurodiverse.

It might also be worth considering that OCD behaviours can sometimes be co-morbid with autism and if your DD has autism, and your DH struggles to regulate his emotions, has OCD and struggles to see how his own behaviour is impacting on his daughter's behaviour, given that autism can often be genetic I would likely be wondering whether your DH is also autistic and so he may also need support to regulate his emotions and understand how his behaviours are affecting your daughter's behaviours and mood.

But so I'm now being told I carry him and the kids. Why doesn't he see he needs to be the one to try regulate his emotions if his DD is having a meltdown? He has 35 years on his 9 year old - he won't kick off like that at work with his boss

I agree with you.

Really? So he shouldn't recognise DDs mood - his reactions made it worse?

I feel very overwhelmed and dysregulated with my life. Everyone in the house just shouts at me and I wonder how I'm keeping it together.

I'm dreading tomorrow morning getting DD to school as it takes for ever and DH will be stressing or he'll leave for work and I'm stuck trying to get her to school - I know we can't both lose our jobs. Life is just very hard atm.

Hi OP … if have an ASD DD as well, she’s 18 now, and great to live with. However things were much tougher when she was younger.
It’s a learning exercise when you are parenting an ND child … you’ll find on AiBU a lot of people with zero experience of parenting ND young people, pitch in with lots of pointless opinions.

DH found it hard to parent DD, he didn’t understand Autism, or Anxiety .. or didn’t know that a panic attack and a temper tantrum were two different things. It’s become clear that he is also ASD.

I felt like I constantly had to police their relationship, trying to keep the peace, sporting potential conflicts .. it was exhausting.

I did send him some articles on parenting a
child with ASD, and we did a mindful parenting course .. both of which were really helpful.

DD started meds, which really helped. Now aged 18, we appear to be over the worst.

Thank you @ExtraOnions

The more research I do the more I think I have ADHD and that my eldest is possibly autistic too.

Everything feels a bit much today.

Thank you for your kind words. This time is tough, is there a better board to go onto on MN to discuss having ND children?

I do send DH things, so he's read the PDA info I've sent him. But with a stressful job and managing his own MH he doesn't always have capacity and it's almost easier for me to just get on with stuff myself.