To ask for your views on video games

[Amianidiott]

I have two boys, 10 and 7, and I’m constantly trying to navigate video games/ screen time limits in a healthy and balanced way.

as a start, I’ll say I’m not anti-gaming at all. I think it’s a stress reliever/ hobby like any other (tv, magazines, easy books). I’m also not someone who thinks all hobbies need to be ‘productive’. I work a stressful job and I love to unwind with trashy reality tv on a weekend, so I conpletely understand choosing a game to unwind. I know it’s an important way for kids to socialise, and I really value my kids building their friendships.

however, over the years I’ve seen so many cautionary tales myself. I’m early 30s so my peers and I grew up on video games, and I saw so many fall into video game addiction. In my experience only (not saying this is universal) it was the boys that got addicted to gaming, and it’s really impacted their lives. It’s not to the same extent that substance abuse/ gambling etc would, but it’s an addiction in the sense that it’s limited their lives and potential (jobs, relationships and just how they approach life). I had an ex that was utterly addicted to an online multiplayer game - the game wasn’t the problem, it was the fact that he prioritised it over everything in life. I’ve seen friends’ older teens turn from lovely, happy kids to surly and withdrawn with too much gaming.

all this to say, I think it’s important to strike a balance, and I let the boys game but with some limits on total screen time and types of games. The time limit varies by how much else they have on. I’m also very clear to encourage other clubs and they both have 2 sports each that they love and train for weekly.

however, I have two dilemmas for DC10 with a specific group of friends:

firstly some (not all) of his friends have moved into games not for their age, mainly Fortnite. DC10 is desperate to join them for the social aspect - I don’t want to stop him unnecessarily and undermine his social life but I also have heard Fortnite is particularly addictive.

secondly, his friends now bring their devices with them when they come to play, so arranging irl meet ups doesn’t help with this problem.

This is going to sound awful but all of these boys happen to have older parents, and I wonder if parents that didn’t grow up with video games might not be as attuned to the potential pitfalls? This isn’t universal obviously, I know lots of other older parents who manage gaming brilliantly. The parents of 2 of the boys have mentioned that their boys are struggling with their moods/ behaviours, but haven’t really drawn a line to the level of gaming, and in fairness there is no evidence that gaming is a cause or a contributor.

how have others approached these issues? I’d particularly love advice from parents who’ve navigated these years successfully with their kids

Hello! My children are 13 and 11. I am very fond of video games (I consider them a new art form) BUT there do need to be limits. We have no devices in bedrooms (so their brains can get a rest) and all prep / music practice must be done before they pick up a device.

There are games I will let my children play but plenty I will not (in particular GTA). I don't have Fortnite so would not be able to comment on it.

I kept my now 13 and 10 year old boys away from video games for as long as possible. I have always known there are positives and negatives but it is the addictive nature of them that worried me. Around 2 years ago I allowed them to start playing as they were starting to feel very left out. Now that is their default activity when at home. Younger son does play Fortnite with friends but is time limited and only at weekends as it makes him crazy.
Just as you said op, it is the addictiveness which worries me. Both my boys still do sports which gets them out and engaged, but completely stopped Lego and board games. They do still read as not allowed games in bedrooms so they read in bed.

Us older parents didn't grow up in caves you know. I got my first games console in 1976.

Quite. I am in my mid 40s and gaming was very much part of my growing up.
My rule of thumb is allowing games and put controls if it becomes an issue. Like if my kiddo starts throwing a tantrum when it's time to stop, I know that it is no longer a healthy hobby and we then restrict device use for a while and encourage alternative activities.

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/game-reviews/fortnite

common sense media is a great site for helping look at games and things and their appropriateness.

limits are vital but I also think it’s important that as much as possible children have some say in those limits so they can start to create their own boundaries and it doesn’t become a battle ground.

It sounds to me as if you have thought this through. In the early teens phase, children can easily feel left out if everybody else is doing things together after school.

DD(17) went through a computer game phase, but it seems to be more attractive amongst the "less busy" kids. It was "Minecraft" in her day, but one of the parents set up a game/world on a private (at home) server that only he (not his son) could grant players access to. That worked quite well.

We tried to go out a fair bit as a family as well as doing lots of sport. It was not negotiable. Drag a friend out too if that would help.

If you can somehow set up computers in the kitchen/lounge (somewhere public, not the bedroom) that will help. Let them play games after school but be firm about meal times and no gaming after supper?

My ss is 12. We don't restrict his game time perse. How much game time he has depends on him. He has chores to do throughout the week and doing those chores earns his game time. Nothing massive. He gets an hour per week for unsticking the dishwasher every day. An hour for having 3 showers a week. And 2 hours for keeping his room tidy. If he doesn't do the chores he doesn't get time on the games. Simple.

I would be very wary. I've worked with several young people who are seriously struggling to hold down basic jobs because of their all night video gaming addictions. The danger is when their online virtual life takes primacy over real life. It's increasingly common.

The bat and ball thing. I remember them now.

Yes that's the one. We spent hours in front of the tv arguing over whose turn it was.

It's hard to have one blanket answer to what is right or wrong. We never would buy a games console because we didn't want it to become a huge part of the DCs' lives, but they could game on a laptop so not sure it made such a huge difference and probably just made the forbidden more alluring. It meant our DS preferred to have sleepovers at friends' house where there were games consoles, etc. I recall well when Fortnite was the huge thing, ages 10-12 or so, but the moment passed. Then you have to worry about all the parents allowing Call of Duty and other violent games for their young teens.
Our thinking was based on stories of children gaming all day and refusing any boundaries as they got older that were really hard for the parents to navigate or control. It turned out to be not an issue at all for DS (now in sixth form). He games a little bit but is much more likely to be out hanging with his friends and doing other IRL worrying stuff like vaping, drinking or smoking weed. But at least he's not holed up in his room, right? 😬

You can't worry about how other people parent. Most young boys will be into gaming nowadays. Time limits are fine now but as they get older you need to teach them to self regulate. My no.1 rule was if you lose interest in all your other hobbies/sports then the equipment goes. Seems to have worked. He's 16 now, games, goes to the gym, plays football and golf, spends a decent amount of time studying and still happy to hang out with the family.
A nice balance in other words.
I think 10-12 is the worst age for gaming as they're a bit hormonal/approaching puberty and not so great at regulating their emotions at that age.

DS is 13 and isn't as video game obsessed as he used to be when he was 9/10. We had to restrict him then but now we let him play as he wishes because he really doesn't spend an insane amount of time on them. He also doesn't really watch TV shows or movies so his screen time isn't high.

I don't think they are terrible but they can get so addicting which is why you need time limits. Honestly, if DS was constantly at them now he would get bored so I feel like for us it changed as we got into the teens because he wouldn't get off them before. It's good your kids do sport because that was our way of getting him to come off of them because he genuinely enjoyed sport more

I grew up on video games, my parents having had their first console before I came along.

I wouldn't rush to introduce screen limits, as long as they have a range of other interests. I think screen time limits can be pretty arbitrary, sap enjoyment and build resentment. They have their place if a child is letting gaming consume all their other interests, but for the average child I think they're counter-productive.

I also think parents should take more time to play games with their kids. Some people have really narrow ideas of what gaming is but, with the right games, it can be a really excellent family activity.

Not all games are addictive, it really depends on the type. Some are the equivalent of trashy tv, others are enriching and/or skill building.

Video game addiction is relatively rare and only around 1% of gamers are addicts, but it's perceived to be more widespread. There's too great a rush to pathologize normal behaviour.

DP and I enjoy gaming together regularly and, personally and in broad terms, I think it a "better" activity than watching TV/films.

But many older parents wont like video games because they've never played them. So i dont think thats a reason

Yes. Pong!

Just wanted to add my voice to the other so-called "older" parents. I am 50 so presumably nearly 20 years older than you, OP. I think you're being a bit naive to assume you're unique in having grown up with video games. My sister and I grew up playing video games, starting with Pong when we were really little, and then a ZX Spectrum, as well as a number of different handheld games made by Nintendo and Grandstand (Game and Watch devices, Mini Munchman, Astro Wars).

I have continued to play games throughout my life on PC and console. I own a Switch and PS5 and regularly play video games. The last time I played on console was last night 😆. So don't make assumptions about people's gaming habits based on their age!

Oh, and just to add ... my dad is 78 and plays Xbox.