I wish I could turn my mind off sometimes

[Paradoes]

I don’t know how to stop ruminating - it’s on and on and on

I have decided to leave my job (teacher) I love the students but I can’t stay. Loads of reasons - I feel mistreated and other staff are not doing what they should and I feel I have integrity yet get nothing back. My head of dept has never once acknowledged anything I do ( too much and that’s it - I’m done)

but I have to stay for 18 more weeks - so I’m going to make a chart and tick off the weeks. I can’t tell anyone & I feel like a fraud / lot as there is a severe teacher shortage and I feel guilt. But no one cares about me so I’m angry 😢

Can you think of something to occupy your mind so you can settle and sleep? List your favourite books, nicest hotels you've ever stayed in, the nail colours you've got or whatever. Something non work, harmless, list-based.
Tomorrow you can work out how to deal with the guilt, anger etc

My friend was in your situation, and she was a fabulous teacher. But she didn't get support, lack of help, kids running riot and no support from parents for children who had behavioural issues. She became ill from it all in the end. You could stay and fight it, or as you have done, make the decision to leave. The school system seems to be a shambles, and they are losing good people. I don't think it will change until there are no teachers left. You need to look after yourself. Leave sooner if you can, but if it's 18 weeks, then do the count down. I don't think anyone would blame you, and you're certainly no alone in how you feel. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It's stressful and soul destroying, but look to your future, and at what you'd like to do instead. It's hard to just go through the motions, but at least you can take this time to find something better xxx

Thank you pull I’ve been very much manipulated in the school I’m in and it’s only becoming clearer to me now (a few things happened this week to make it really obvious)

but for me to keep my teaching record right and to get my summer pay I have to stay for now and two terms. I feel a bit shady as the headteacher has gone above and beyond for me. So I feel bad for him. But I can get over that. I feel like they hate me in my school (I’m a special needs teacher in what was a private grammar school and is now a state school with disabled children and I’ve to accompany them to mainstream classes eg oh is stressful and it’s plain to see the teachers do not want them, I’ve asked for supports - they d been given to me but I look like a trouble maker when I am not)

for example the teacher allocation was misused and mainstream classes were given an extra English lesson a week so my class (SEN) only have the student teacher at those times. It’s all hard to explain

Thank you Dave .. I feel better even from reading that .. it’s a pure shambles is exactly it

Been there with the ruminating sounds like you’re doing exactly what you need to do for your mental health, and that also involves not revealing to anyone at this stage either. Well done. It isn’t easy.

Not all schools are the same, I’m connected to a group of schools, staff retention and morale is high. We were determined to do what we can to make the job easier. Could you go somewhere else?

I can as SEN is an expanding area. I live in a rural area so I will have a little bit of a drive but I can certainly move. I dread the time I need to tell the headteacher (he’s gone above and beyond for me). But I can’t stay. The head of dept (SENCO) is literally awful. She’s there too long, lazy, takes shortcuts all the time. Everyone knows but nobody says anything. The others are not much better. A bit sneaky.

I think is I’ve decided to move that I feel disingenuous/ a fraud. I know that’s ridiculous as they don’t care about me anyway. I don’t even think they like me because I don’t act shady like them (they are probably laughing that I have kids with challenging behaviour and they have swung it to only work with v mild needs with reading difficulties and bring a mug of tea in with them while they teach one to one). Then sneak off home early ! The senco got her hair done one day while principal was off. We went on a school tour while she went to a restaurant and relaxed for over an hour !! I could literally write a book.

Your mental health has to be a priority. A new challenge is as good as reason as any if you don’t want to explain why. It’s true because it is a new challenge to yourself to not stay in mentally unhealthy environments.

Can you allow yourself 10 more minutes thinking about it, and then put it aside for an allowance of time to think tomorrow?

Feeling like you do makes you exactly the sort of person we need working with children and young people. You care. You can’t stop caring, even when colleagues are shite.

It is not disingenuous to want to leave, it is healthy. You aren’t about to accept working in that environment, and deserve better. Having a good Headteacher is not enough. You’re a good role model. Park those feelings of being a fraud and reframe it as you care, even in crappy environments, and you need to protect your mental health and work with colleagues who are actively working as a team.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply .. a new challenge would be the right way to put it. I’ve already explained how I feel (eg the need for secure doors with alarms, the staff need training in terms of assistive tech) but I get a nod and smile but I know nothing will be out in place (literally nothing was done for the new class). The teachers ask the students to take notes from the board - mine cannot write fully yet, so they sit there in silence and unoccupied. So that’s that - cruel really.

I do care - many parents still contact me as I worked in a special school for years and bonded so well with them. I didn’t foresee this situation. It’s actually awful.

Whenever we do something nice of nurturing, senior staff say ‘it’s too cost for them here, they won’t want to go to mainstream’ when it’s the mainstream teachers who need to adapt. But I’m blamed for them not wanting to go to classes. I don’t want to put myself so I better say as little as I can. I feel like a fool now for wishing we were accepted in the school. I think the reason for the class being taken on was due to being given a better building and extra teaching hours (but they didn’t realise what they would have to face)

It's really hard when you work somewhere, where you have integrity and want to make a difference - yet you don't get anything for it in return. And you are obviously worth more than this OP. I understand the Head may have helped you - but this is his job to support you. If other employees don't appreciate or support you, then there is a deeper issue which is, in all honesty, not your problem. It sounds like they are all very stuck in their ways - and frankly, there's nothing to be done from your end on that. Chalk it up to experience, because you now know what to avoid in the future. Working in SEN is really tough, you don't need the added pressure from other staff members. You'll find somewhere that is a much better fit, and you'll thank your lucky stars you got out when you did. Sometimes it's just that your face doesn't fit, which says more about them, than it does you. Xx

Also sounds like the governors are doing a crap job. Our governors are amazing and would know if Sen children are not making progress.

New challenge, for all the right reasons. You also sound mentally drained. Can you get some
time off for your wellbeing?

I feel like I am processing a lot and when I get over this hurdle I will be ok. I’m 25 years dedicated to Sen and sad other people won’t do their small part (even to adapt a tiny bit).
the school is old-school. Textbook and answers. Very little vocational or active leaning. Quite snooty and results driven. There are about four really kind staff that have been so sweet and acknowledge what I’ve done. If we get inspected we won’t do well but I have myself covered.

It is a process of letting go and preparing to move on to better. You just need to try to limit the time
it is taking up in your head and allow yourself some rest.