Aibu for hating my mom for just letting my sister borrow my stuff without asking me first?

[Alimai]

hi! Im 20 and live with my parents and my sister lives with her soon to be husband. But when i spend some time at my boyfriends home and my sister visits. Then my mom feels entitled to borrow some of my stuff away covers, pillows, slippers, ect socks and sometimes when i come back i can smell she has been in my room since i have all my perfumes in my room... and i HATE it, i feel like she is not being respectfull of my belongings i even pay rent to live at home so i feel like at least let my stuff in peace will ya.. i feel this possesion over my stuff :( like for now i don’t have any control over my belongings.. thats why i can’t wait to move out with my own boyfriend. And feel like i finally have controll over my own stuff. And lock my room? It dosn’t work.. the door lock only locks itself by same damn key of the bathroom.. even if i lock my door they still open it.. and they don’t even ask! So i get so nervous! If i have a nice plushie in my room it even get borrowed away for my niece.. i feel like my stuff its everyones stuff to use whenever they want when they over and don’t have a room to sleep in. And i feel ew when they let them borrow my pillows or duvets because others sweats so i need change them asap.. like all my beloved, expensive stuff are inside my room so yea i do have a bit possesion over my stuff being stolen or stained, especially since my mom just borrowed my sister a very nice blanket to sleep in that i got for chritsmas from my boyfriends mom.. i know this come out as a greedy idk. But i always felt this about my stuff and others just feeling entitled to take them and borrow them without asking :( like i payed and got gifted these stuff

I can see how that could be annoying, but I like to help people out and that comes across as helping them feel comfortable I guess ? Could see it that way ? And lock up things that are very private in a box with a padlock on ?

@Fishandchipsareyum depends when they dont even ask and just feel entitled to borrow my stuff ayway it dosnt great for me.. i have my spare money at a box and nice jewerly n stuff im afraid to be stolen. It may not be the case but i still hate it. Since i payed most of my stuff myself

That would do my head in. Your room should be private. That is very disrespectful.

@thisisagoodsign at least it dosn’t hurt to ask. Idc if family or not but thats dons’t mean family can just feel entitled to take my stuff without asking. My room is my safe space 100%! But it dosn’t even feel like it when my stuff gets taken from my room..

I presume you've already had a conversation with your parents to tell them that this makes you uncomfortable and that they do not have your permission to do this?

It's extremely disrespectful of them not to respect your privacy and the sentimental value of certain belongings. At the very least, I'd expect them to contact you and ask permission if they wished to borrow something when you were not at home, not to just take it.

I wouldn't do this to my small children, let alone an adult.

Just fit a new lock and door handle to your bedroom door and don't give them a key. You can get one from any DIY store or Screwfix and fit it very easily yourself with basic tools.

If they ask why tell them that you've already asked them not to take your belongings/ go into your private space when you are not at home and this hasn't been respected so you have done this to protect your privacy. Given you are paying them rent I cannot see that they have a reasonable objection to the space you are paying for being private and secure.

Then save up as fast as you can to move out. They sounds like they have very inappropriate boundaries and I expect your relationship with them will improve vastly once they are not in a position to trample over yours.

Save up and move out.

How does the door fit in the door surround, could you fit a hasp and padlock or you get combination bolts or get an extra lock fixed into the door that only you have a key for. Anything that will just stop them walking in. Otherwise you only option is to move out.
edied for spelling

And perhaps ask them how they'd feel if while they were away on holiday you let other people use their clothes and perfume and other personal items and sleep in their bed without even informing them, let alone asking permission?

It's also gross that they did that and didn't have the courtesy to wash the sheets and remake the bed themselves afterwards, before you returned. Even if you'd given permission for someone else to sleep in your room that is the absolute minimum that should be expected as a matter of course!

Why are you afraid of your sister stealing your money and jewellery when she never has before?
I don't think I could ever begrudge my sister the use of my pillow when I am not using it. If it bothers you that much then just change your bedding after she has used it. If there isn't a spare room for her to use at your mum's house I can see why your mum let's her use yours. If there is a spare room, why doesn't she use it.
What do you mean you can smell she's been there because all your perfumes are there?

Just buy something like this and fit it. I did this myself to two internal doors and my DIY skills are woeful.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/HANDLESTORE-Victorian-Scroll-Locking-Backplate/dp/B0BJKHM6F6/ref=ascdff_B0BJKHM6F6

You’re going to get a range of responses I think. A lot of people clearly agree with you. At the end of the day it’s up to you, but I’d suggest you to think whether being close to your family matters to you. If it doesn’t, you’re totally entitled to feel like that - so buy a padlock and move out as soon as you can. If it does, the next time it happens maybe remind yourself that these are your family, and people matter to you more than things. My sister has always been like you, went mental if anyone borrowed anything of hers, and was incredibly possessive of everything. Fair enough, we learnt not to borrow her stuff, but equally we will never lend her our stuff or help her out now and recently she was saying how we never do anything as a family any more, what she doesn’t realise is we do, we just don’t tell her about it because none of us feel close to her or enjoy her company, she’s just not that nice of a person. You can’t make your family basically feel like they are contaminating your precious stuff and expect them not to have feelings in return, would be my perspective, but a lot of people clearly think different.

@Nitsnitsnits even if that i still think even family needs to respect privacy, and belongings. Share its nice and fun when respected and asked, not just taking it. If it was in my own home it def different. Because then i would have more than one duvets and pillows or pair of slippers and it be on my sharing terms not my parents. And my bedroom would be OFF limits besides me and my boyfriend.

What have you said to them about taking your things? Have you asked for them back? Have you told them to ask you first?
I would put a new lock on the door or move out.

@Nitsnitsnits I think that's a really unpleasant way to treat your sister.
You may not get on with your sister for other reasons but I think you are conflating two separate things here.

Some people may not have a sentimental attachment to belongings but to call someone else unpleasant for doing so demonstrates a lack of empathy on your part for the fact that people need different things to feel secure and have different emotional attachments. It doesn't indicate something is wrong with them as a person.

Being close as a family and caring for and loving each other, helping each other out and spending time together does not correlate in any way to feeling entitled to take and use other people's belongings without permission. Quite the opposite, in fact. And objecting to the latter doesn't make someone an "unpleasant person". In fact, the person doing that is being very disrespectful and - if they are aware it upsets the person they are doing it to - it may indicate they are quite unpleasant themselves.

@ThisPageIsBlank right. I just think its kinda gross of her to sleep on my sweated pillow covers n duvets/sheets.. and me having to sleep on hers.. like my room is not a take whatever you please as.. but my safe space. And it feels intrusive of others just thinking they are entitled for my belongings, i swear i spend like my own money on 98% of the stuff in my room. At least let me have my room in peace..

@TwinklyNight they simply just don’t see it as a big of a deal.. and didnt have more to borrow away. But for me is still very rude to just unlock my door and take as they please. I always feel that lil panick in me, because i have all my expenses in there and gain moore money than my sister so there for i have more luxury stuff creams and perfumes and u name it.. sadly old house old locks :(

My moms excuse is but its your sister not a stranger! Like yea no shi! But that dosn’t give my mom the right to unlock my room and take what she pleases without asking! Like i don’t even have the right to my own belongings anymore.. im already paying a good amount of rent so at least let me have my room in peace :( it gives me so much stress/anxiety if someone is sneaking around my stuff and opening stuff. I may be more precious of my stuff but thats because i spend so much money to buy my own stuff for it to just be lended away like eh. And they can’t even be bothered to ask me first, it also makes me think they let her borrow more stuff or she
may even have sneaked small stuff with her home because my parents don’t ask me. No trust there.

I have 2 x teenage children, and I never go in their rooms except when they strip their own beds, and I provide clean bedding, or clean clothes. They do their own cleaning and dusting/hoovering. I just think it's important for them to have their own space where they feel safe and secure. They don't even go in my room without asking first. Maybe I'm weird, but I always believed it is important for boundaries etc. We all need our own sanctuary. X

@Davegrohlsnewwife and you are so right!
my safe space is def and dosn’t even feel like a safe space for me and my belongings anymore :/ i could just put all my makeup in the kitchen benk, my switch on the bathrom, aaall jewerly on the pc table around in the living room since my stuff dosn’t feel like my stuff. In my parents eyes is def stuff for every one to borrow! and despise the tough of my sister and them snooping around my room. Like i have litteraly no privacy.. and just unlock my room.. like wheres is the respect of my stuff. Im thinking of borrowing one of their stuff just because im so tired of them taking my stuff for granted. And be like «but i tought everything could be shared?» my mom litteraly once just took one of my makeup bags without even telling me for her 1 month trip and got mad when i was borrowing her hoodie.

I also understand that feeling of knowing someone else has used a pillow or blanket - it never quite feels clean after. If you have things which you look after, take pride in and are important to you, then I think your family should respect that. I'd be looking to install a new lock for your door until you are able to move out. I always used to be criticised for getting the "ick" over someone using/wearing my stuff. It may not be a big deal to others, but your feelings should be respected I think, no matter how old you are.

I litteraly pay like $600 each month so having my stuff and room in peace is to much to ask for apperantly.

Are you able to move out?

Unfortunately they aren't going to change.

@Davegrohlsnewwife it def feel like it.. for covers and pillow and bed sheets i litteraly feel like changing them asap! Because it just feels dirty after someone else just sweats in them for the night.. or drool over in case.. worse was that one of the new bed cover and pillow i got from my boyfriends mom that are quite expensive since the design in it that i love.. so im afraid tif it get stained or stmh.. so i feelt way more grumpy than if it was and old bed cover i didnt care for and pillow.. its ofc not a big deal for them since is not their stuff so they don’t understand that others feel a possesion over their beloved stuff..

@Princessconsuelabananahammock9
sadly not right now atm :( i wish THO that i just could pack my stuff and move the next day or stmh🤣 but not possible right now but im getting there at least.

Why are you still living at home at 20?
There are house shares and it would give you some independence too.