Ex of 12yr

[ForChicOrca]

Please help I really don't know where to turn my what I now know is a narcissist partner of 12yrs who I have a daughter with has just told me were over gone out drinking come back to our family home n took an overdose in our bed i found him in time n called an ambulance but it's my fault obviously I don't make him happy he has then 1week later (he's now not living with us) I have called to say his daughter was admitted to hospital but he couldn't come as he'd made plans to go out drinking. I know this is really stupid n I feel such an idiot saying in but I'm laid crying my eyes out wondering what mistake I made for him to do this to us can someone help me figure out where I went wrong and what I do next as I'm broken 💔 thanks

Sorry OP, but why on earth do you want to lay the blame on yourself? Is it because he told you it was all your fault?

If he won't even come to see his daughter in hospital, then he's really not a man worth having, so please stop blaming yourself.

Why is he saying he tried to take his own life?

Is your daughter seriously ill?

Thank you so much for replying
He's unhappy with his life with me and as he had told me we was over and he was drinking I took our child to my friends out of the way as he can get verbally abusive and I don't like her to hear the things he says to me but he says in was out sleeping with random men so he couldn't cope and took tablets n sent me pictures of this and left me a note
My daughter is struggling with her breathing and high fever so we had to go to hospital

You did nothing wrong. But you need to get yourself and your daughter out of this toxic situation now. It doesn’t matter what’s lead to it really. What matters is now and the future. Please call Women’s Aid. Or a friend. None of this is okay but it won’t do you any good to think about if it’s your fault.

I wish you so much peace and happiness from now on. And I hope your daughter gets better very soon.

I feel maybe if I'd have stayed home that night and just been there when he got back kept quiet as I did so often It wouldn't have happened and this awful feeling of been alone and not good enough and scared about what a future looks without him wouldn't be here
My daughter is sad she feels the drink was more important than her again I've tried to explain he loves her very much n it's the drink that has a hold over her dad but she still really wanted him

Thank you MiriamCavendale for replying to me I don't know how to be without him he's told me he's getting his own place but still loves me if I want to try and make him happy we can be together again but I don't know how to make him happy I work I take care of our daughter and pets I do the cleaning and the cooking as I understand his job is very physical he's a builder the only thing I do make excuses for and don't do is go drinking with him because it changes him so I try to plan things that don't involve drink cinema meals out he can't eat n drink alcohol together it makes him sick so he's not so happy about these nights he says there not his thing

You've done nothing wrong OP. Please don't get back with him. He's got a drink problem and sounds very unstable. For your own sake and especially your daughter's, you need the relationship ended. You will be fine without him, your life will be a lot less stressful and most importantly your daughter's life will be more peaceful and stable. Please get some support from family and friends, you can also call Women's Aid or Samaritans.

Does he do anything to make you happy??Doesn't sound like he even tries to be nice to you. So why does he expect you to make him happy?

Your life is YOUR life, you're not there to make an abusive man happy.

I hope your daughter is better soon
Save your energy and focus on her and yourself.

You cannot make a narcissist happy!

You need to have counselling to help you break his hold over you, you have been trained by him for the last 12 years to think he is more important than you and your child.

His overdose sounds like a further power play frankly, if it was a serious attempt to take his life he wouldn't have sent you photos to say he was doing it.

Accusing you of sleeping around is a common narc deflection trick.

He doesn't love you. If he did he wouldn't treat you like his personal maid and whipping boy!

Get counselling and look up grey rock for all of your dealings with him. Also, he doesn't love your daughter more than he loves himself so please don't fall for the lie that he loves her and don't make her doubt her own experience.

You are not responsible for making someone happy. It's their responsibility. You are also not responsible for another person's decisions. He has capacity to get drunk and to decide to take meds (which wasn't a suicide attempt or he wouldn't have texted you to inform of his plans knowing that you would ring ambulance). And what sort of a condition make someone feel unwell when they take alcohol with food but not without? This is all BS designed to keep you in line.
For the love of God, stop telling your daughter that he loves her. It is only showing her that his behaviour is an appropriate way to show love. And it won't serve her well as an adult. If she is upset that her father doesn't come to see her in hospital, simply validate her feeling and say that you understand why she feels upset. There is no need to defend him at all.
You need to speak to Women's aid. You need trained professionals by your side to support you in moving on with your life. Without him

I agree with 'Catza' that you should stop telling your daughter that he loves her, he doesn't, he loves the booze above everything else! Anyone who would put drinking before their child when they have been hospitalised, obviously has an alcohol problem, and your daughter is MUCH better off without an alcoholic in her life. Just agree with her when she says she is sad about his drinking. Tell her that it is sad, but he is an alcoholic, and the only person who can help him, is himself, as he needs to admit that he has a drink problem, and then seek help but he will likely only do that once he's hit rock bottom.

Meanwhile, stop thinking that you have a duty to make him happy, when to make him happy, means that you have to do everything he tells you to do, and when he says jump, you have to ask how high. This is no way to live OP, and certainly not a way of living that your daughter needs!!

Let him go, get advice from Women's Aid, and show your daughter what a happy home can be like.

Oh, and as for him taking the overdose because he thought you were out with other men, that's likely to be judging you by his own standards, ie, if he's out and away from you, he's probably screwing around, which is why his mind immediately jumps to you doing the same thing! Also, what did he think you were doing with your daughter, while you were out with these other men? The whole thing was a ridiculous ploy to frighten you, and make you do exactly what he wants you to do. Emotional blackmail is cruel, and is NOT something you should allow yourself to be controlled by, or you will live in fear for the rest of your life.