Dealing with erratic ex

[circusmonkey65]

Ex and I share an 11 year old ds. Split when he was a baby. It was a very toxic relationship - lots of horrid behaviour from him which I ended up mirroring. Became a person I really didn't recognise. He didn't work and sponged off me a lot. Caught him on dating websites, it was just a shit show.

Anyway 10 years on we are both remarried and actually he has grown up a lot and I would say 95% of the time we co parent really well and get along fine.

However now and then (doesn't happen often maybe a few times a year) he will revert back to being an arsehole. Could be over sometime small like a difference in opinion over handling a particular issue with ds. At these times he will become incredibly rude, swearing, being quite disrespectful towards me and my opinions etc. It triggers my anxiety as it takes me back to the time we were together and all the turmoil I went through then.

He can also be like it with ds. Again, not often but on the rare occasions ds has attitude with him he will shout, swear, become intimidating. Last time it happened was last year and ds didn't want to talk to him for a week. He's getting older now and has his own mind.

Because these things happen so infrequently and the vast majority of the time we all rub along quite well, I tend to just sweep it under the rug to keep the peace. But I'm getting fed up of him thinking he can still speak to me like this all these years on, even if it's rare.

It's like he has tunnel vision and if you disagree he just can't accept it. Also if he's got other things on his mind he can't seem to cope well.

This evening we had a disagreement about a school issue with ds and he basically told me I speak shit, he can't be arsed with me, he will decide and so on. My own Dh doesn't speak to me like this so why should I tolerate it off someone else? I ignored it as there's no point getting in a row but I'd really like some tips on how to be more assertive and let him know I'm not his verbal punchbag anymore. Or is ignoring it the best policy?

Snigger and calmly (or in an amused tone) say "You're so pathetic when you get like this" and walk away/put phone down. Dont say anything else, no matter how much he baits you.. smile or chuckle and shake your head if you have no choice but to make a sound as youre walking off (but try to just get away quick). Exit the conversation. Dont talk for at least a day. Act as normal when you next have to talk. Do this EVERY time.

Doesnt have the same effect over text etc. Just ignore texts.

My advice would be, the next time he gets angry and speaks to you like this, just say 'don't speak to me like that, if you can't be reasonable and speak to me nicely, then go away until you can!' If you're on the phone, then hang up, or if you're together then turn and walk away or close the door on him, and if he should happen to be in your home, although I'd like to think this doesn't happen, then tell him to leave. He's no longer your husband OP, and you don't have to take this sort of shit from anyone. As you say, your DH doesn't speak to you like that, so why would you allow him to?

Agree with PPs - next time it happens you say 'I won't tolerate being spoken to like that. Get back to me when you can talk to me in a polite and reasonable manner' then walk away/hang up the phone/close the door. Be calm but firm. Remember you are modelling assertive behaviour for your son too. Don't sweep it under the carpet. It's unacceptable behaviour and you don't have to tolerate it.

Would he speak to you like this in front of your husband or does he only do it when you're alone? What would your husband do? My DH would be furious and would tell him where to go.

Contact only via text or a parenting app maybe? He’s possibly too lazy to rant in a text.
If talking is essential and he starts a rant it’s “ I’ll speak with you when you’ve calmed down, dear” ( they hate the dear part) and walk away/ cut the call. You’re in control as you can stop him in his tracks.

A few times a year sounds more like a regular pattern rather than infrequent.
As PP states, don't engage, state that you will only discuss with him when he is being civil.
What is the split of time that DC is with each of you?

Considering how much we have to see and speak to each other with regular pick ups and chats about ds, it is pretty infrequent in the grand scheme of things. Certainly when I look back on our relationship when he was vile to me most days.

I like these suggestions. In the past I have fallen into the trap of arguing my point with him when really I should just shut any of this behaviour down.

It's usually over text that he gets like this, very rarely in person. He wouldn't do it in front of dh I don't think. Dh knows what he can be like and we have a good laugh about him having one of his hissy fits but it's not really funny anymore. Dh keeps a distance because I've asked him to but if he heard it himself or it went too far I think he'd step in.

I would say ' who the hell do you think you're talking to , let me know when you have found your manners ' then shut the door / put the phone down. Make it v. Clear you will not be spoken to like that

If its via text, I would document it and send him a record of his own behaviour. Tell him that on these occasions he has been abusive and you will be keeping a record of future incidents.

You don't have to do anything with it but people keep their behaviour in check if they think you are keeping tabs. If things turned nasty later, it could also be used in court.

I'm glad we've helped you realise, that trying to argue your point with someone when they're behaving like this, is a complete waste of time and energy OP. Hopefully from now on, the minute he starts getting nasty in a text, you will just respond with 'I'm not continuing this conversation until you can speak to me with more respect'. Then don't answer any further messages until he changes his approach. It really isn't hard to do OP, especially when it's a text, but by doing this, he will soon realise that being nasty and aggressive, simply won't wash anymore, and will learn to control himself.

If it’s over text, shut down the conversation down every time. “I will not discuss this further with you until you can speak to me in a civil manner”.