Scared of driving

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Hi all! Not sure why I’m posting this thread - maybe for some stories of success or to motivate me to actually book the lessons.

I am absolutely terrified of driving. I passed many many many years ago at 18 and haven’t driven since. I wasn’t a very confident learner and I did pass and felt over the moon. But now I just absolutely lack confidence.

We are moving somewhere a bit more rural and so I’ll really need to drive for the sake of my DC. But I’m terrified of even doing refresher lessons - I feel scared that I’ll crash, won’t know if I’m too close to a car etc. and that I’ll be the worst “learner” the instructor has seen.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation or have any advice?

Have been in this exact position! Hadn't driven for about 14 years. But then decided life was too short not to as found I was declining things because public transport isn't always available. So I just started really small. Just driving around the local streets. Then to the local supermarket, then a bit further etc. Now drive absolutely anywhere and super confident. Like you I was too scared to do refresher lessons. Do it on your own, start very small and build up. You can do it!!

Oh, and I was a crap learner and failed several times so was convinced I was inherently bad. It turns out that driving is just practice, like everything else

Oh this is exactly me! I live in the city and also decline certain play dates etc if they’re further out. My DC are young and I don’t want this to hold them back! How did you find doing your first trip out?

I passed on my 5th attempt 🤦‍♀️

Contact an instructor and get some refresher lessons.

Also if manual try an automatic. I hated driving a manual and now drive everywhere in an automatic. My confidence in an auto is so much higher.

Hello I was in exactly the same boat, passed in my early 20s and didn't drive for 10 years! I never felt confident and would always feel anxious when in the car. However when I had my son I needed to get to baby classes so it gave me a reason to build my confidence. I did a few refresher lessons with an instructor and also did a few random drives with my mum in the car. Last year we moved house and I now have to drive everyday to nursery instead of walking which massively built my confidence.

You will probably feel anxious the first few drives but if you end up doing short drives everyday it will become second nature to you. I also drive an automatic which really helps. Good luck!

The only way to get more comfortable with it is to do it. I'm teaching my son right now and we practice in empty parking lots. Could you do that?

This was me! I went about 10 years without driving but after having DS decided it would make life so much easier. I had 5 refresher lessons I think it was (a few anyway but not loads!) and the best choice I made was to get an automatic- it made such a difference! Now I drive without worrying, I do occasionally get a bit apprehensive before a 'new' drive but I'll still do it and it'll be fine.

Maybe try with an automatic instructor to see if you find that better?

Stressful but I started with such small trips it was OK. Once I realised I could drive round local streets without running anyone over I starred to pick DC up from school. Just did that for a few weeks then progress. Automatic is easier when you're starting out again but I drive a manual and it's second nature.

Definitely agree with the others to try an automatic.
I avoid driving where possible but because Im scared of parking situations, if its parallel parking Im not driving😅.

My sister passed and didn't drive for ages because we lived in a large city where we didnt need to drive. She moved rural and had the same feeling that she will need to drive. She took refresher lessons but in an automatic to see if it helped and was easier and now shes flying through country lanes and dealing with busses and tractors on those narrow roads like a pro. I drive manual but the car at work we are allowed to use on visits etc is automatic with parking cameras and I will definitely be switching when my car is beyond repair and its time for another car.

Both DH and I took 5 attempts. We both stopped driving in 20s. It just wasn't for us.

A colleague of mine for years ago took his 6 times and is still driving. He lives in a village and his wife is disabled, so I think it's something he needs to do, but doesn't enjoy.

Good luck with learning again OP

I took refresher lessons at around 30 after not driving since I passed my test at 18. I was also very fearful but had moved to somewhere rural and was limited by not driving.

I took refresher lessons with an instructor who I'd heard good things about from other people who were anxious. For me the big thing was I'd never driven on my own so very early on he made me drop him off, take his car for 2 mins and pick him up again. He also taught me how to do all the local roundabouts and how to drive on single track roads (including practising reversing). We also did a longer 3 hour lesson where he took me on some of the nearby faster roads.

I happily drive now, locally and longer distances.

Re I might crash - if the refresher lessons are in the instructors car they'll have dual controls, the instructor will brake for you. People very rarely have crashes while they're learning and the instructor will start you off at low speed.

Re I might too close to the car in front - the instructor will tell you, and if necessary brake for you. My instructor used to say 'only a fool breaks the two second rule' - if the car in front of you goes past something and you go past it before you've finished saying it, you're too close.

Re being the worst learner they've ever seen - you're acting responsibly by taking refresher lessons. I'm sure the worst learners are ones who are cocky, don't listen etc. So what if you learn quickly or learn more slowly.

I can promise you it would take a lot to be the worst pupil any instructor who has been in the business a while has seen... Particularly as you managed to pass a driving test - that says at the very least that you had pretty reasonable control over a car at some point.

I've had someone who spent 10+ hours weaving from one kerb to another even going in a straight line (ok, they didn't always get from one kerb to the other as I would have to prevent them a lot of the time, 'cos safety). Every trick and tip I could think of failed. Believe it or not the final solution was to drive faster - which isn't your go to as an instructor when a pupil is struggling that much.

That said the confidence issue is the key and that is hard to overcome sometimes. Sometimes even an internal dialogue telling yourself to effectively fake it till you make it works - I've seen someone transform that way. Which leads to an interesting philosophical debate about the nature of confidence - how much is it real and how much is it an act?

Think of it this way: if you walk down your local high street do you think before you go out that you will be run down by a bus? If you walk a cliff path do you think you will get swept away in a sudden landslip? Of course these things are a possibility, but we have agency in preventing them from happening - we have eyes, ears, hands, feet - we are able to take a lot of action to keep ourselves safe - and you have already demonstrated the skills to do those things in a car to the satisfaction of an examiner.

EDIT: forgot something important we all (well I have doubts about myself some days, but that's another story altogether) have brains to help keep ourselves safe...

Another one here been in this position.

I passed at 21 (after about 50 lessons with 3 different driving schools and two tests). However, I drove only a handful of times afterwards as I just didn't need to.

When I met DH he had a car and didn't mind doing all the driving so I got more and more out of practise. We worked in the same office so he always drove us to work and back. On the odd occasion when I had to drive for some reason I was so nervous I almost always did something stupid which just made things worse and I totally lost confidence.

Eventually, in my late 20s, I screwed up my courage to get refresher lessons. I felt embarrassed explaining to the instructor what the situation was but he straight away said this was a very normal thing and he had loads of customers ask for the same.

He predicted I would need four lessons - three in the driving school car and one in our own car with him sitting with me. This turned out to be spot on. At the end of the last lesson he advised me to not let it lapse but keep practicing.

As luck would have it I then found out that DH had been temporarily assigned to work in the Southern office for 3 months. He would be away Monday to Friday but would travel by train so I had the car to get to work. But it meant I had to start driving myself to work every day straight away.

I was still nervous for a while and it took a bit more time before I was confident enough for motorways, but it happened eventually.

You can do it!

You can do it OP, hang in there and try and push yourself to have a few advanced driving lessons.

Having passed your test you’ve already overcome the hurdle that many stumble over.

I had a 20 year gap between passing and driving as a teenager/20 something and then taking up driving again my 40s. At first it did seem scary and unnatural, but a few years later im now zipping round the m25 no problem.

Remember that the vast majority of other drivers are decent, will give you space and aren’t going to collide with you. It’s a bit like walking- you don’t go round bumping into people as everyone has a safe space to drive in, mostly. As your confidence increases you’ll realise it’s no big deal, but an advanced instructor will help you get there quicker. Good luck.

I'm another who was/is scared of driving. Highly recommend some refresher lessons. Ask around for recommendations for an instructor who is good with anxious drivers. Start off in their car as they will have dual controls. They will quickly assess your level of risk and wouldn't have you driving if they didn't think you were capable of it (which you definitely are as you have passed your test). I went out with my instructor and practised routes that I would likely need to do in real life (like driving to the train station) and we spent a lot of time focusing on areas that I was least confident in. I'm still nervous (although to be honest the anticipation of driving is worse than the actual experience of it for me). I also did an online session with an instructor who specialises with anxious drivers and bases his course around CBT techniques. I now keep a 'positive driving diary' where I record 3-4 things that went well each time I drive and it is helping my confidence. I'm never going to love driving but I'm getting better and it does bring a certain level of freedom and convenience to be able to drive sometimes. Good luck. You CAN do it x

I passed on my 5th attempt 30+ years ago and haven’t stopped driving since. Today I’ve driven 130+ miles on the motorway.

failing 4 tests didn’t make me an inherently bad driver. I have my moments where I make mistakes but, generally I’m very competent behind the wheel. I can even parallel park!

seriously, just get out there and drive.

Also - get yourself some P plates which will signal to other drivers that you are not very experienced and they will be nice to you. I use them all the time. Have had a couple of amusing moments where people have congratulated me on passing my driving test and I just smiled and said thank you rather than mention that I actually passed in the late 90s 😂

You will be amazed how much more relaxing driving lessons are if you know there's no driving test at the end of it.

An automatic saves you worrying about stalling.

Modern cars will yell at you if they think you're going to crash into the car in front. Don't rely on this, use your own judgement (which you will acquire) but it's a lot more difficult to crash a modern car.

Wow all thank you so much for replying. You’ve all given me motivation and positivity! Our car is an automatic and I’m going to google driving instructors today. Thank you!

Love this idea!

Can totally relate. Passed my test over 20 years ago and felt very stressed driving my then partner’s car the next day and then NEVER drove again, not once, I was terrified. 20+ years on, I decided it was now or never.

I currently live in a big city so don’t really need a car that much, but have family spread around the country and am also hoping to move somewhere much more rural in the future. So I started refresher lessons at end of 2023. Decided to go with automatic this time as it’s so much easier and found a great instructor. I specifically looked for a female instructor who would understand my back story. You’ll probably find the instructor will insist on you starting with lessons in their car with the dual controls before they are willing to take you out in your own car. Also not all instructors want to take people out in their own cars (due to the lack of dual controls), so do explain your position when you contact them.

I took about 40 hours of lessons in total in the instructor’s car. (They do say that the older you are, the more lessons you will need). I bought myself a car and then got the instructor to come out with me for about another 20 hours to build up confidence in my own car, including a couple of motorway lessons. Finally had the courage to go solo, although I was very scared of driving alone with no one to double-check things with!

At first I really had to gear myself up just to do a 10 min drive to the shops. But gradually started setting myself a destination and driving there and back, and would do that same journey several times over a couple of weeks to get comfortable. Then built in journeys that involved a bit of motorway driving.

I’ve been driving on my own for about 6 months now and my confidence has increased massively, but I am still very cautious and a little anxious. I haven’t driven at night yet, but that will be the next step and I’ll just start off with very short trips to Sainsbury’s after dark.

I never thought I would drive again after all these years but feel really pleased with myself after every trip! And it makes a lot of chores so much easier.

Like all skills, continual practice is the only way to build up confidence. Good luck!

If I'm going somewhere new and worried about parking, I Google street view surrounding roads to see what they are like and what the restrictions are

(I'm not particularly nervous about driving but I get stressed if I don't know if there's suitable parking)

Oh thank you so much for this. This has really boosted my confidence! How did to find a good instructor? Our little car is automatic (passed manual!) so hopefully makes it easier. I’m so happy to know I am not the only one.

We have a local community FB page and I asked on there for recommendations and then contacted a couple of instructors. It’s really important you find an instructor you like. I actually changed instructor as the first one never stopped talking which I found very stressful as I wanted her to concentrate on my driving!

You might not need as many lessons as me, as you already have your own car and once instructor is happy that you are safe and competent in his/her car, they will hopefully be happy to switch to your car. But do say at the outset that is your plan as not all instructors like doing that.

I didn’t have a car or anyone to take me out for practice in between lessons, and had to wait a few months for my new car to arrive, so wanted to keep up the momentum of lessons. But also, I was so, so scared of driving that I really needed to get hours under my belt. For the first couple of months of lessons, my legs would be shaking. Once I finally let my instructor go, I had to really force myself to go out in my car every day or at least every other day, otherwise I knew I would lose confidence.

I have built up confidence repetitively doing journeys I know, and then adding new things in. Find motorways daunting but once I’m on one, find it really quite straightforward.

You can definitely do this, but practice and perseverance are the key. Every time I have a journey under my belt, I feel a bit more confident. Best of luck!