Money worries

[Namerchangee]

Just wondering if anyone can shed any light on what I should be doing.

For context and background - DH and I have 2 DC, both primary school age. I’ve worked every year we’ve been together except for my two mat leaves (I took a year for each child). I’ve worked part-time since my eldest was 1. It’s now time for me to seek a better paid position. Since before my youngest child began school last year I’ve been seeking a new role. I’ve had 3 unsuccessful interviews and have another job interview lined up in a fortnight which in which I have a much better chance of being successful as I’ve done the job previously. It’s well paid and will really help us As our financial situation is not great. We’ve accrued debt as a result of my being part-time but have been able to pay all bills every month, there just isn’t a whole lot left over.

DH has his own business and has been hit with a tax bill that he cannot pay immediately. It has been sent to a debt recovery agency and he will be speaking with HMRC and the agency next week about a payment plan or other arrangement. It has sent him spiralling. He says he feels like a failure as he was already struggling and now this. I have tried to reassure him that we will be ok and that I am trying my absolute best to get a full-time job. He says I am not emotionally supportive at all and he now wonders what he is doing in our marriage.

I feel that I have been sympathetic but more than that, practical. I am doing something about our finances. What should I have said to him? How should I have behaved? He says I am just angry and annoyed with him but I don’t believe I have been either. It’s like he is determined not to be positive about my potential new role which will really help us get out of this hole. Any thoughts? Advice? I just don’t know what else to do or say to him beyond what I’m already saying and doing.

Also apologies if this is in the wrong place, feel free to move admin.

You sound like you're doing everything you can.

He just seems to be lashing out.

How come he got "hit" by a tax bill? Does that basically translate into he or his accountant fucked up the accounts?

I’ll be honest I don’t really deal with the business at all. I think what happened is that this bill is a payment he didn’t make for a previous year and HMRC have been writing to him and he has just sat on it.

Right, so - he is angry (which should be with himself really) for having messed up or getting caught out - and is deflecting it onto you.

Latching onto the marriage and you as the problem, when it's actually his fuck-up.

I would keep doing as you're doing, but not taking on board any of this stuff about you not being supportive. You clearly are and are trying to get a full-time job.

Maybe point him in the direction of the doctor/therapy if this is out of character and his MH on the downturn.

Thanks @category12 - I appreciate your response. I am just going to carry on doing what I can - which is preparing for my interview and hoping I get this job. I feel he is lashing out too.

He’s deflecting the guilt he feels about not setting aside funds for the tax bill

It’s all still going on unfortunately. This morning he told me he’s been crying and is realising that no matter how many times he has asked for support it hasn’t been listened to and that no one is helping him.

I feel that every suggestion I make to try to make things better is totally ignored - ie to speak with his parents about a loan or to phone the HMRC to discuss it with them. It got to the point this morning where I said I am fed up of this situation as I am trying to help and it is going unnoticed. I have a job interview lined up fgs! It’s likely I will be hired and our income will increase significantly as a result.

I couldn’t even look for full-time work until September of last year as we wouldn’t have been able to afford full-time nursery - the cost would have made me working full-time totally pointless. I am going to ask admin to move this to AIBU as I just feel I’m doing my best to solve this problem. I have even contacted our financial advisor who helped us with our mortgage to ask them what our options are and I have said I am prepared to put the house on the market and still it’s not enough.

AIBU can be somewhat of a bear pit.

He needs to contact the HMRC today. When did they pass it over to the debt collection people?. Debt collection agency may well be unsympathetic because their sole job is to collect the cash owed.

You are being proactive and your DH is lucky to have you.
Stepchange is another possible option that I would look into today.

Good luck with your interview.

Accountant here... HMRC only send debt collectors after you if you don't pay on time and then ignore penalties and requests for payment.

I always tell my clients not to stick their hand in the sand if they can't pay, but to contact HMRC and arrange a payment plan. You still pay interest but there won't be any penalties. Anyone who ignores it, just makes it worse.

Also, as a self employed person, you have to put away at least 20% of your sales each month which should be enough to cover the tax due (this allows for deductions for expenses). People need to remember that not all of the money is theirs, a chunk belongs to the taxman.

Also, a lot of clients leave it until January to hand in their paperwork then are shocked when they need to find £5K by the end of January. These people will never change.

He needs to look at his business if he is not making enough money from it. Does he need to increase his prices, or does he need to quit and find a job?

He's trying to make his failures your fault. He's setting you up.

If it's already with a debt recovery agency he's ignored endless opportunities to deal with this. It's not a new debt, this is an ongoing long term thing. He has royally fucked up and he's not taking responsibility.

Good luck OP.

Thankyou all. I really appreciate your replies. I’m just sat here thinking that I really couldn’t have done much more. I even went to a job interview last year when a family
member was seriously ill in hospital - needless to say I didn’t get it as I wasn’t in the right frame of mind, but I still tried. I am just so annoyed by the amateur dramatics I’ve seen this morning. Shouting at me about how he has been crying out for help and no one has listened to him. I feel like he is being manipulative but what he is trying to manipulate me into doing or saying isn’t working and he’s just getting more and more angry.

OP you are doing everything you can and you are right, he is lashing out and trying to manipulate you into somehow accepting the blame for what is totally his own fault. His failure to deal with his debt is all on him but he wants to put it on you! Don't do anything different, you have a solution in the pipeline and he is not even thankful for that. l do l hope you get the job you applied for but sadly this does not solve your husband problem.

Maybe ask him to see a doctor/ get mental health support if this behaviour is out of the ordinary for him.

If this is bizarre & new behaviour, he might be having a breakdown.

If he normally blames you for everything, then it's probably just more of the same.