To not want to be a people pleaser but not want to be flaky either

[CheeseandMarmiteToastie]

I’ve read a lot - on here and elsewhere - about how flaky people have become, not wanting to do things or backing out at the last minute.

I’d never ditch someone at short notice - although sometimes I would like to - but I definitely don’t always want to go along with what other people would like me to.

As I get older it feels sensible to maintain good boundaries and say no to things but I don’t want to be precious or selfish either! Like most people I’ve got lots of demands on my time and as a middle-aged single parent with a demanding job and ageing parents it’s easy to feel burnout and more stressed than is healthy.

AIBU to put myself first?

I don’t think flaking and people-pleasing are opposites. If anything, I think flaky people are often uncommitted people-pleasers- they don’t have the ability to say no at the start so over-commit, feel resentful and then flake in an avoidant way (eg by text).

If you have decent boundaries to begin with, you don’t flake because you don’t commit more than you are happy with.

It's perfectly reasonable to put yourself first.

My issue with people pleasers is that they will often say yes to something, knowing full well they don't want to do it at the time of saying yes and then pull out later. That's irritating.

But people saying no because they know they won't want to or won't have the capacity to do it is fine. That's not flaky.

For example, I never go out in a Friday night because I'm exhausted from the week. I've tried a few times to push myself to, but it's always been the wrong decision, so now I just say to people, "Thanks, but I don't go out on a Friday."

I also know that some people have been pissed off by that but I know myself, and I know what my capacity for socialising is.

You will have to accept that putting boundaries in place will mean some people drift from you. Some people (particularly people pleasers) will think, "Well, if someone asked me to do that, I would, even if I didn't really want to!" But that's their problem and not yours.

I generally do push myself to go if I've said yes but don't fancy it at the time because it's often the thought of going out that is the problem and I enjoy it once I'm there.

But I never agree to do anything if I know I'm likely to want to back out from the offset.

BingoLarge

Said it so much more succinctly! 😁

@BingoLarge you've nailed it.

You need to know what your own boundaries are, before you tells others.

Eg. Don't go out on Sunday nights, don't drink on week nights, check with partner if you're free etc. then book according to those. It stops you being a yes-man and stops you being flaky.

As a former people pleaser ,you absolutely have the right to put yourself first. Whilst I don't want to go around my family and friends giving them a list of everything I've ever done for them....its all forgotten the minute you start saying no and putting yourself first.

I'm 50 years old and I live in absolute bliss that I'm not out doing things I don't want to anymore. But it takes time amd practice to be able to say no politely. And that's the key, I've found. Say no straight away. Do it politely and confidently. Don't waffle. And then you can't be accused of being flakey, because you've been clear from the start. And on your part, there's no worrying about it! As I tend to find us people pleaser do!