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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH just fed up

28 replies

Perryw · 11/01/2025 08:32

DH out earned me many, many times over (I don’t want to give exact figures because it’s so embracing) and felt his career should be given preference over mine by virtue of how much he was financially contributing.

I thought this was unfair and after many arguments we agreed on a compromise, where my career and aspirations were equally important as his.

To this end, he ended up moving jobs and changing careers to support my career. Unfortunately, my career hasn’t progressed the way I had hoped despite my effort. I am now at an age (mid 40s) where I don’t have any sort of hope of establishing myself.

DH has been quietly seething for a while as he has seen colleagues flourish and those he mentored secure the promotions he wanted. I know he resents me for asking him to give up his career aspirations to support mine.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 11/01/2025 08:36

I don’t understand why you both couldn’t do it. Why had he to give up his career so you could pursue yours. Relationships go up and down like weighing scales all the time. He can get back into it now surely?
What’s the problem? Is it telling him?

Sorry if I misunderstood that.

WaxingGibbon · 11/01/2025 08:38

So what is your AIBU

Unrelated38 · 11/01/2025 08:39

I think you've had your turn being supported and now it's his turn. He supported your career at expense to himself and your family. Now you want him to support you further so you can care for your father. Honestly I don't think that's fair. I think his career should take priority, you will both need his pension.

You can both be working for "his" income and both be valued. Your value doesn't have to come from how much you earn.

Honestly I really do think he was very good to change jobs and miss out on promotions to support you.

HelpMeGetThrough · 11/01/2025 08:39

He can get back into it now surely?

Depends if the career he moved into has the same opportunity as the one he left.

WidgetDigit2022 · 11/01/2025 08:40

Giving up his career doesn’t sound like a compromise, it sounds unfair and I’d be seething too.

What training and development have you been doing to boost your career?

Sirzy · 11/01/2025 08:41

So you need to support him now getting his career where he wants it. It is understandable he feels frustration if he made a big sacrifice and things didn’t work out

Changingplace · 11/01/2025 08:41

Why did it need to be one or the other? What’s stopping him looking for a new job ir going for a promotion now?

howshouldibehave · 11/01/2025 08:42

DH has been quietly seething for a while as he has seen colleagues flourish and those he mentored secure the promotions he wanted

I can understand how he felt. Why did he have to give up his career aspirations?!

PierceMorgansChin · 11/01/2025 08:43

It was no compromise. He did what you wanted to do, because your ego was taking a hit.

Motheranddaughter · 11/01/2025 08:44

He should never have given up his career goals
No way I would have done that

EveInEden · 11/01/2025 08:46

Did you actively pursue growing your career, OP or expect it to happen to you?

beetr00 · 11/01/2025 08:51

@WaxingGibbon

the OP was edited and missed out the last paragraph

@Perryw said
"I now want to give up work and look after our children full time and support my father who looks after my mother.
I suspect the bitterness from DH is going to continue.

AIBU to have asked him to support me?"

HelpMeGetThrough · 11/01/2025 08:53
  • I now want to give up work and look after our children full time and support my father who looks after my mother. I suspect the bitterness from DH is going to continue.

AIBU to have asked him to support me?"*

I'd be leaving if I was him.

rainbowstardrops · 11/01/2025 09:01

So there's more to this then? Why didn't you put that in your OP?
So DH gave up his career for your benefit, it hasn't worked out for you and now you expect him to fund you giving up work altogether? Yeah, I'd be pissed off if I was him too!

3luckystars · 11/01/2025 09:19

I definitely think we need more information

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 11/01/2025 09:24

What did he actually do to support you that caused such detriment to his own career?

Bestfootforward11 · 11/01/2025 09:26

Hello. I appreciate you can’t capture everything about the issue in a post but just some thoughts to consider.
It’s not clear why you both couldn’t have pursued your career aspirations.
You say he had to in fact change careers despite earning very well. This doesn’t seem to be a compromise but more he gave up the career he had been working for.
You say you’re in your mid 40s with no sort hope of establishing yourself. I’m not sure why this is the case. I’m late 40s and I’m doing some things I haven’t done before and they’re taking off. I don’t think 40s means there’s no time to establish yourself.
If things haven’t worked out the way you hoped, have you considered why? Maybe it wasn’t the thing for you and you can move into something else.
You’ve described what you’d like, what would your DH like at this time?
What are your joint goals for what you’d like in the future?
You now want to focus on looking after your DC and DF full time. This can be incredibly rewarding but also very hard too. I don’t think you’re necessarily going to find what you’re looking for there.
The only way to move forward is to have full and frank discussion about with your DH. If for example he was to agree to your proposal, this could mean him working very long hours and/or travelling for work etc. The reality of this can be quite hard. Also, maybe your DH doesn’t want this? He’s now under pressure to boost his career to support the whole family because you’ve decided it’s too late to establish yourself when in a way you’re asking him to do exactly that and take on the full financial load. I don’t mean to sound harsh but I think you have to look at the financial, practical and emotional impact of possible options. Good luck.

InkHeart2024 · 11/01/2025 09:26

So you limited his earning potential which would have made it possible for you to give up work now without issues, and now you want to give up work anyway and rely on him despite that? Sounds like a situation that would cause resentment for lots of people TBH.

What was the career you were pursuing?

jeaux90 · 11/01/2025 09:29

Why couldn't you both pursue your career needs? Why did one of you have to step back?

And I'd be seething too BTW

Dishwashersaurous · 11/01/2025 09:34

I don't understand why this required him to give up his career?

Did you have to physically move for your career?

Why couldn't you both have pursued careers at the same time?

Dishwashersaurous · 11/01/2025 09:37

And how long ago did he change career?

Can he go back to his old career?

But to be blunt, if you made a joint decision that both of your careers were equally important and that required him to change jobs, then you need to stick to it. And have a career.

WilmerFlintstone · 11/01/2025 09:40

I don’t blame him, he’s just wasted time and opportunity and now has to work even harder to try and regain lost ground. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Mingenious · 11/01/2025 09:41

Why couldn’t you both pursue your careers? It sounds more like you tried to bring him down to your level because you were jealous of his success

Dishwashersaurous · 11/01/2025 09:43

Was there a location aspect?

Eg to develop he needed to move overseas and you couldn't work there

B0xes · 11/01/2025 09:44

What kind of responses were you expecting posting this?