To be upset that my husband discussed our issues with his female work colleague?

[friendshipover24]

First time parents, dealing with the typical issues which come with adjusting. I am on maternity leave and my husband has a demanding full time job.
I don’t really want to get into the details of exactly what we argued about but it was related to childcare while I was doing him a favour. There was also another disagreement at the beginning of the week regarding travel arrangements after multiple cancelled flights.

He came home today and told me that he had discussed these issues with a female colleague (married, with a child - very lovely person) and she agreed with him.
At first I was annoyed because I didn’t understand how she could have agreed with him and the fact that she agreed with him invalidated my feelings.

The thing which is bothering me the most is that him speaking to her about these issues feels like a massive breach of trust. I feel betrayed. I have never spoken about him in a negative light to work colleagues, even though at times it would have been justified.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? What would you do?

That was a dick move, telling you about it was the worst bit!

YANBU at all

Would you object if he'd spoken to another man?

Yes I think that is very undermining of both you and your relationship.
You and your DH are supposed to be a partnership. He had no right to discuss your private affairs with her.

Yanbu but it’s quite common if it makes you feel better. I always found it cringeworthy though when a man started moaning about his wife at work and it would make me think less of him and sorry for his wife.

I would worry if it was unprofessional but if she is a work friend and the problem was nonpersonal, something that all parents can relate to like travel and childcare then I feel he is allowed to vent and seek support kinda like you're doing now. I don't think the topic sensitive to be a breach of trust that was just parenting talk rather than relationship or sex life talk.

You didn’t say what was the issue but was it possible that he asked about her experience as she passed this stage already? It could come out accidentally e.g he looked very tired and sleepy or was late for something or forgot to do something so she asked how he was, he told her about your argument and she offered her opinion.
However I completely understand your feelings and I wouldn’t like it myself. And it’s better not to overshare at work.

Nobody at his work really wants to listen to him piss and moan about how hard life is with a baby. He's being one of those soul sucking co-irkers that you agree with to get him to stfu.

Call the Wahhhmbulance. Or play the littlest violin. Give him the murder stare.

He's being a bigger baby than your actual baby.

He's undermining you. The power of numbers (his coworker agrees with him) is a logical fallacy. And he really shouldn't be discussing marital issues at work, that's unprofessional.

Do you think that he actually talked to this woman or do you think he is just making up that he spoke to the woman (for the female perspective) and is lying that she agreed with him so that it made you feel like you were being unreasonable?

I’d be tempted to call his bluff and make things incredibly uncomfortable for him.

honey, I didn’t know that you were open to sharing our private marital discussions with others, I’ll be sure to note that for the future… but such a good idea to get Jane’s perspective. She’s always come across so kind and knowledgeable. It doesn’t seem fair that she only got your side so can I get her number? I’d love to invite her around so that she can hear my side and then we can truly get her unbiased opinion. I’m sure that this level of involvement in a colleagues private affairs isn’t awkward, in fact, I might see if Mike from my office can come and give his thoughts too.

I'd be very annoyed too. I'd consider it over sharing and none of her business.

This is quite a likely scenario, and I like the suggested response to it. 😃

Thank you for your responses. I showed him the responses and he understood that it wasn’t an appropriate thing to do. Ot turns out that he also didn’t accurately represent what his colleague had told him and she told him to try to see things from my point of view too. I got over it only to be approached today by my mother in law asking me if we had sorted out our issue and giving me advice.

I asked him the circumstances of him of him telling her and he told me two different stories about me coming off as unfriendly which then resulted in her asking what was wrong. This seemed odd to me because I didn’t speak to her yesterday, so I proved further and was told I seemed unfriendly in a family chat. I looked back at what I had written yesterday and saw that that was bullshit too. So I told him that I don’t believe what he is telling me and then he admitted that he spoke to her about it.

I am of course angry all over again and annoyed that he appears to have lied to me. I know that he lied because he knew it would anger me but the thing I have always admired about him was his unwavering honesty.

Marriage is hard.

I’d like to say yes but I think I would have been slightly less annoyed.