AIBU for asking for him to help

[Capersandjam]

Context is I have suffered with PND and anxiety even through pregnancy and now receive regular therapy to work on being able to full look after DS without getting overwhelmed and stressed to the point of self harm. It's looking like I have undiagnosed OCD as suffer without of the symptons and the intolerance to uncertainty is a huge one.
We've been working on trying to get me to look after my baby full time whilst both of us have been on paid leave from work. Son is now 9 months old and last week I looked after him the majority of the week no issues and the problem has been pretty much eradicated.
I've gone back to work 1 day in office and 1 day wfh whilst partner is still on paid leave. I've got home and no housework has been done, all dishes are out and he expected to cook dinner. I was exhausted from going back to work and having back to back meetings and also had therapy session in the day. He says he's been looking after the baby all day and it's wrong for me to assume he should do the house work, I also asked him to cook dinner he said no and that he's tired too and shouldn't be expected to cook. The issue here is if it was me I'd be expected to cook, clean and look after baby and I have done that, putting housework a priority during naps. He called me the R word today after we had an argument about it as I'm having therapy, said that my thoughts were wrong and I was lying about him and said that a therapist says my thoughts are wrong so I must be wrong about this. He also said I was able to do anything and that he was the babys mum and dad. I understand he's been putting a lot of time in with the baby but I've been so guilty abut this anyway and have been having therapy to get to where I am today all for him to call me all this. Hes also super confused as to why I can't clean cook and work and also look after baby for few hours a day whilst he kick starts his business ( he decides to do this on the 3 days I'm working rather than the 4 days I'm not). I'm so upset I just want out at this point but we have a lot of joint finances and we've been together 10 years. I still struggle mentally in other areas mainly anxiety and depression so hard for me to deal with arguments like this without feeling really reslly bad

It sounds like you already feel in your heart that this is unacceptable, but you’re also worried that you can’t trust your own feelings?

1. Calling you a slur is deeply wrong, and it upsets me that you have had to hear this word from someone who is meant to care for you.
2. You have mental health difficulties. You have some disordered thinking in some areas, but you are still completely capable of rational thought. I’m sure your therapist has not said that all of your thoughts are wrong, just that you sometimes have some irrational thoughts. It is disturbing that your husband would try to use your illness against you in this way, and this seems abusive to me.
3. If he is really too busy with the baby to keep on top of the housework, then you could cut him some slack. It sound like life has been a struggle recently for both of you, and it’s okay if some of the chores are not perfectly done all the time.
4. He should not expect you to do all the chores and cooking on the days you are working, especially not on your first days back in the office after maternity leave. You are bound to be exhausted.
5. Overall, there should be an equal split of duties: if you work the same amount, you should both care for DS and both do half the household chores.
6. He is absolutely not the baby’s mum and dad. It sounds like you are doing your best and engaging with medical help, and you say that your ability to care for DS has really improved. You are doing brilliantly.

If I had to guess, it sounds to me as though he resents having to step up to do more of the childcare while you’ve been struggling with PPD - does that sound right? It worries me that he belittles and insults you and tries to make you doubt your own mind. You deserve much better than this.