Should I contact school regarding this situation?

[laura2412]

Hello guys! I have a ten year old son and I work in the preschool attached to his school, my preschool colleagues and school work quite closely together. There is this boy in my sons class who my son clashes with quite a lot. Today my son came out after his dodgeball club and told me that this child had strangled him (he was annoying my son and my son politely told him to go away) and as a result the other child got sent to the learning mentor's room where i saw him playing board games earlier on in the day at work. I asked my son what time this incident happened and he said during morning break (which was the time I saw the other child playing games). The other child was obviously rewarded for his behaviour and I'm aware that this particular child is really badly behaved at school and they're struggling with him. My son is no angel, he has his moments at times as all kids do but if it was the other way round and my son had strangled another child he would have been in serious trouble outside the headteachers office doing his work all day. I also wasn't informed about this incident either, AIBU for wanting to go into school and talk to the teachers about this particular incident and ask why I wasn't told?

What makes you think the other child was being rewarded? You know nothing about the other child’s needs or the support plan they have in place for him or how to best manage his behavior. By all means contact the school with concerns about your child, but leave out the fact you think the other child was being rewarded as you’ll sound judgmental at best and you don’t have all the information.

By all means, ask the school about how they are going to keep your child safe.

How they choose to deal with the other child is absolutely nothing to do with you.

You don't know the other child's background or what strategies are needed and used to help him re-regulate.

Playing board games could well be a deliberately chosen strategy. You don't know about discussions that happened either before or after the games, or any subsequent consequences.

If you are involved in working with children, I'm surprised that you don't already understand this. Perhaps you're involved in the admin team in the pre-school, rather than working directly with children?

Why do you think the other child was rewarded?

Playing board games is likely their method to calm him down and get him to regulate his mood. It's not a reward.

No point having conversations about behaviour until the child is calm and ready to listen.

Playing board games is a reward!

Fed up of violent/aggressive children having Lego/iPad time. No wonder behaviour is getting worse.

Yeah, cause school admin staff are really thick and don't understand these strategies and why they are required tailored to individusl pupil needs, obviously 🙄

I’d call the police but then when it comes to anyone hurting my children, I don’t shy away from confrontation!

Bit bemused that you haven't already gone into the school and spoke with teacher to find out what happened instead of posting about it

You can definately have a word about your son being strangled and what the school will do to ensure that this does not happen again. But you don't know why the other child was playing board games, so don't say anything about that. Maybe the child had behaved aggressively because they were overwhelmed, so punishing them at that moment would have resulted in more overwhelm and less control, more aggression, running you don't know. Board games could have been away of regaining control and focus before talking about how to behaviour better.

This seems to be a common theme from what I can gather having both dc in school and having worked in a primary school. The kids who misbehave and are hard work for the staff tend to be taken aside and provided with an activity that's seen as a reward/fun by the other children. It's hardly encouraging the children who always behave to carry on behaving in my opinion, and it's not always because these children have send needs, often they literally have just learnt to manipulate the system. I agree with you op that's it's really not fair that had it been the other way around your ds would have been punished yet his bully was essentially rewarded for that he did to your ds. I don't know what the answer is but I do worry about the way these younger generations will turn out thinking they can act as they like and get away with it. I hope your ds is ok.

You'll be told you're being unreasonable but you're absolutely not. Your child gets strangled and the child responsible gets to sit playing a nice board game? Ridiculous.

Yes I agree, however as an educator when I have a very violent and dysregulated child, I'd much rather give him a distraction than get repeatedly kicked and punched.

This is what we're having to deal with in schools at the moment. It's not right, but our hands are tied. Parents don't care, usually.

It's the way that most schools deal with such things these days. The abusive and violet kid gets told "that's not ok" and then a treat while everybody else, including the victim(s) are ignored. These kids pretty much run riot and can do whatever they want. And they know it. Adults running around the school chasing after little kids smashing the place up. It's farcical. But at least it let's the senco feel smug at how caring and inclusive she is.

This sort of thing has been happening for years, when my children were at primary school in the early 2010’ ,many parents questioned why the “badly behaved” children got 15 minutes of outdoor playtime towards the end of the school day while the other children were all in class working. It doesn’t seem fair to the hard working , well behaved children that they have to do work while the child that’s been punching others and throwing chairs at the teacher gets to play.

Personally I’d ask why you hadn’t been informed of the incident and what the school is doing to protect your son and others from a violent child however I wouldn’t bring up the other child being rewarded with playing games because that doesn’t involve your child.

No, I don’t think you should let your parental concerns overlap with your insider knowledge from work, would any other parent have seen that child playing board games to raise an issue? I think it’s rough that as an employee, you think he was being rewarded for bad behaviour. You only saw a snapshot of his day - he could have been disciplined appropriately but you didn’t see that.

I think definitely ensure your son’s safety by discussing that with them, but I wouldn’t bring in the other child playing board games and stating he was rewarded for strangling someone. I don’t think it will come across as you hope.

Giving children an enjoyable activity to help them calm down seems very short sighted. Of course children will learn that if they strangle a child then they get to play board games and do it again. It seems a potential strategic safeguarding failure. Surely there must be other ways to calm the child down other than giving them toys/games which all children like and will obviously encourage them to do it again,

It's also not helping those children because once they get older, they'll quickly find the police tend not to give those who've assaulted others board games when they're arrested. No matter how overwhelmed they feel.

My child has spoken about this approach in their school. I think it's a dangerous approach.

OP, I'd definitely mention that your child said he had been strangled (take photos of any bruises etc). Regarding the other child playing board games, if you have a good relationship with any senior member of staff I would raise this and raise the question of a strategic safeguarding failure. How can they guarantee this will not encourage such behaviour, which is not in any of the children's best interests.

What is the school behaviour policy? Bullying policy? Surely strangling another child should be suspension?!

All these comments saying the child might have special needs or a troublesome home life etc. None of that matters! His behaviour was unacceptable and that behaviour should not be around other children!! If school can't manage it he should be in a different school.

And yes I know there are not enough Sen or behavioural school and likely there has been no money for help while these behaviours got this bad. Not the child fault. But that doesn't mean the impact on other children is lower priority than this one child. I say this as a parrot a SEN kid who was violent at school, the LA tried to push shook yo keep him and I fully backed the school. Regardless of the cause ALL children need to be safe at school.

I was actually strangled as a teen. Part of a sexual assault so very different scenario. But it's fucking terrifying fighting for breath. It's on a whole other level to kids hitting or pushing each other. The fact it wasn't immediate suspension and the OP wasn't told her child had been strangled horrifies me.

Re board games as a strategy to regulate a child. These strategies should be used BEFORE the child gets to this level of disregulation. He's been failed here as op says he's known for bad behaviour so school should be dealing with it. Likely they don't have the resources or specialist staff and that's not schools fault either. It's the government stripping all the funding for these things that is where we should direct our anger. But this incident isn't about fault or if a board game is a reward (sorry op I don't think that's the tact to take with school). This is about safety. Check their policies and see if they followed them and then ask for reassurance how they will keep your child safe. Possibly do a formal complaint too. LAs forces schools to keep children who should not be in mainstream the school likely is trying to say they can't meet need but the LA won't accept that. A formal complaint over a strangling incident would be good evidence.

During my degree many years ago I was in a placement at a secondary school (not a teaching degree). I spent one session a week with the 'behavioral issues classroom'. The teacher was clearly massively overwhelmed, and I got given a literal broom closet with the most 4 challenging kids to sit in with 😅

After 1 session of that complete bullshit. I brought in my own board games, colouring sheets, activities, cards, and confiscated all pens, as one kid nearly had another ones eye out. I also said I was setting my own rules outside of the teachers, and if kids were acting out then I'd kick them out of my group. I retained all 4 kids within my group the 6mths I was there, and the feedback was improved behaviour during other classes. Bearing in mind I had fuck all teaching experience! I was a student, and didn't have the foggiest idea what the hell I was doing other than trying to avoid a child losing an eye on my watch 😒

Sometimes, it's literally not about 'reward', and just finding a coping strategy to prevent a child with emotional/behavioral issues, not having an absolute meltdown that will lead to someone losing an eye 🤔

AIBU for wanting to go into school and talk to the teachers about this particular incident and ask why I wasn't told?

It's not unreasonable to ask why you weren't informed that yout child was strangled and to ask what they are going to do to ensure your child is kept safe. I wouldn't mention seeing them playing a board game though.

I think you have to realise that (not that this child necessarily is) neurodivergent children ARE different to neurotypical ones and that different strategies are needed for them.

I always wondered how other pupils felt seeing my (supposedly badly behaved) child getting to do fun things and how it must seem unfair. But then his TA said that I needed to see that it's unfair that my son has these problems which mean he can't process a neurotypical world.

I know it doesn't seem fair on the other children but please see it from the POV of ND children and the staff at the school who need to manage this behaviour.

I think the problem is when the other children see that behaving badly - in this case extremely dangerously resulting in harm to another student - results in a game break and copy the behaviour.

I don't know how you get around the children talking about what they're doing to avoid this though.

I do think strategies that don't involve actual toys and games should be used when a child has hurt another child. Using these strategies to help regulate and stop escalation is obviously fine. It's different once a child has been hurt or very dangerous behaviour (which strangulation is) has occurred.

OP agree though that safety should be the main concern. A formal complaint in writing yes that you were not informed about such a serious incident (any strangulation, even if it does not result in harm, is risky behaviour - it's easy to cause serious harm this way), and an informal chat with someone you know about safeguarding ALL students.

I'd also want to know that the serious consequences of strangulation and that strangling another child is potentially grounds for suspension / exclusion had been communicated to this child's parents.