Mum died

[ZingyOpalHiker]

How to mourn your mum when she didn’t want a funeral?

I am so sorry for your loss. What about a celebration of her life, where you share stories about her and what a star she was?

She may not have wanted a funeral with people looking at at her coffin but it doesn't stop you have a celebration of life at a venue of your choice to reminisce and toast her life.

You mourn your mum how you wish, if she didnt want a funeral, that's just a service, you can still have a "wake", a celebration of life, a collection of people who come together to celebrate her life, and everything she was.

I'm sorry you've lost your mum 😔

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum didn't want a funeral either. So the summer after she died we had a celebration day for her. We played music she liked, ate her favorite cakes, and looked at old photos.

It's hard isn't it. DGM didn't want a funeral, so we just had a wake. It worked quite well.

Sorry for your loss.

What did she like? Could you celebrate her in a way she would have enjoyed?

I am so sorry for your loss. When my elderly grandmother died she didn’t have a funeral and the money that would have been spent was given to a local school who bought a large number of books for its library and put up a lovely display about her life. It was really touching and lovely.

I'm so very sorry that you've lost your mum.

If it helps, my Will states a direct cremation with no funeral. I've written that if people want to throw a party and celebrate the fact I've buggered off (insensitive of me at this time, I know, but your mum may have been thinking along the same way as me), then party, have fun.

But, imo, I don't want the expense and the lamenting and drama of a funeral. I don't want people mourning me. I want people's last memories of me to be bossing nurses in hospital for chocolate or water that doesn't taste like dust. To be the one who everyone rolls their eyes at when my name is mentioned and laughing.

Maybe this is what your mum wanted? To be remembered for being herself. Not a coffin. But your mum who loved every single ounce of you, who doesn't want to cause more grief, who wants you to know how much you meant to her, even if you thought you didn't, you did. She's given you this and she's done it with love. She's tried to spare you from hurting, that's your mum, always putting you first.

So hard. Close friend of mine has terminal cancer and booked a direct cremation (before the diagnosis). I personally found my dad’s funeral very therapeutic and I do think it will be hard. She has asked us all to go down to the coast and scatter her ashes and maybe have a meal and share good memories so hopefully that will help. Can you do something similar OP? She said she didn’t want people showing up to her funeral who couldn’t be bothered with her in real life, and I get that.

My mum did exactly this, she died quite unexpectedly (she was in bad health but I wasn't expecting her to die of a heart attack all of a sudden one night)
She didn't want a funeral. Her house, my stepdad has taken upon himself to completely redecorate and got rid of all her stuff yet put her urn on a shelf in the front room so I haven't been round there at all as its too upsetting. I can't mourn. I feel like it happened and no one cares about how I feel, yet when my husbands dad died a few years ago it was literally the only thing the entire family was focused on for a long time..it's like one day my mum was around, now that entire part of my life has just vanished

That is lovely - so nice to think of all the children reading your grandmother's books.

My friends mum didn't want a funeral but when (after some years of demetia) she died, my friend felt pressured into some sort of ceremony so told everyone about the crematorium date. Everyone turned up, people got up and spoke and then sat with my friend after telling lovely stories of her mum.

It was a surprising comfort to her and she was grateful for it.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. I think it's thoughtless of people to say they don't want a funeral.

My mum did the same. I was actually glad as it didn't prolong everything. I'm sorry she's gone, it's fucking shit and you wonder how the fuck you're going to get through it. Take the time off work you need, do things the way you need to, look after you and let others do it the way you need them to. Love to you. Nearly 2 years now, and I'm getting on with life. Not the same as it was, but it's okay.

I'm so sorry for you loss. My mum died almost 7 years ago and tbh I barely remember the funeral part. I remember other people's funerals that I have attended but I think I've just blocked out hers.

As pp have suggested, a wake can still be held and you can maybe do a bit of structure at the beginning with some words about your mum (not suggesting that you speak, but someone else) and then have the usual relaxed reminiscing part.

ETA: the mourning part is ongoing. As a point to mark her passing, the funeral/wake is one moment but you can mourn her in any way that you want. Light a candle, visit places that hold memories of her for you, make a memory box...etc.

Sorry for your loss.
My mum died last summer. She didn't want a funeral, mainly because she didn't want to 'waste' money on it. And she didn't want us to have to sort it out...
We had one anyway. Very small, about 15 people. Basics only so as to 'save' as much money as possible. We had a celebrant who read a lovely eulogy, poem and Lords prayer and we had some music and some lovely flowers for her. Nothing after just one of her very old friends back for a cup of tea.
It was beautiful and I found it extremely helpful in the process of saying goodbye and dsis and I agreed we had absolutely made the right decision to have one despite her wishes.

So you could have one anyway...

Dunno. I planned direct cremation til my brother died and didn't have a funeral.
Funerals are for the living

I don't want a funeral either but plan to keep some money back for my daughter to throw a small party, with a disco, and show embarrassing photos and get merry. A buffet too. I don't want it to be a somber affair. How dull.

I understand. In our family funerals are forbidden. We don’t have anything it’s not just the service with a coffin it’s no formal
ceremony of any sort to mark death or say goodbye.

What we have always done is silent reflection alone when we know it is the day / time of cremation or burial whatever the person chose. Then they are spoken about all the time it’s seen as a continuation of their existence and that we don’t have to say goodbye we obviously feel sad they are not physically here anymore and grieve but it’s very much a concept of they are still part of day to day life we talk about them all the time. I found it quite strange at first growing up as it was very different to other people’s experiences and now it’s just normal for us. I think it’s hard when the majority of people want and have a funeral

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum 💐 my mum doesn't want a funeral either (she has terminal cancer) and I'm quite relieved to be honest. I hate funerals and found my dad's funeral really stressful and was just relieved when it was over. I'm quite a private person and just didn't want my grief on show in front of family that I'm not particularly close to.

Could you have a little wake just for people you love, perhaps after scattering your mum's ashes or interring them in a plot? My mum is buying a plot in a natural burial ground (it's just a lovely peaceful field) and we are going to put her ashes in the ground there with my dad's and my sister's ashes too. We will probably have a little wake afterwards with just close family. My MIL died abroad during covid restrictions and we couldn't go to her funeral. I remember her by buying beautiful flowers and lighting a candle on her birthday. I also bought a rose bush which has her name that I've planted in the garden. You could name a bench in a special place maybe and visit there when you want to take time to yourself to remember mum.

My dad didn’t want a funeral either. We had a celebration of life at a nice venue, and a private ‘funeral’ at crematorium with just my mum and sister there to see his committal.

Neither my parents or I want a funeral, we all have Direct Cremations prepaid.

However that doesn't mean that we don't want to be remembered.

DD and I spend a lot of time at the theatre so I've let her know I'd like her to donate for a plaque on a seat at our local theatre that she can sit in. My parents would like theirs on a bench at our local beach that we visit weekly.