To hate play dates?

[skyfly]

Having spent most of childhood in someone’s else houses for play dates, I absolutely hate them for my kids. I always felt awkward and uncomfortable and wished to have a nice cosy home atmosphere instead of being at someone’s else houses. And now as much as I love to invite my friends with kids who I know well to come to my home, all this forced play dates at school (Reception) makes me shiver. I’m all for going together to playground for kids to play after school but I find weird inviting barely strangers to my home and going to theirs. Am I the only one feeling this way? (AIBU) Or is it ok to just simply say that we don’t do play dates at home?! (YANBU)

Play dates at school age are for your child though?

I suppose you need to weight up who is losing out here though - you or your child?

Yes

Do your dc want to have them? They are quite young so you might not really know this yet.
But they can be a good way of building your network of school parents.
They don't work for every family, just don't accept invites if you don't want to reciprocate.

but are they loosing out?! Is it not enough to play with their friends in the park, doing clubs together or attending multiple birthdays. They have abundance of entertainment and multiple opportunities for interactions outside school these days

I think a lot of parents would rather not do a lot of things, but acknowledge they’re for their children’s benefit. You haven’t got long to go anyway until play dates are drop and run and you / other parents aren’t required to stay and make chat - grit your teeth until then to maintain momentum with DC’s friends.

It would be unreasonable to say no to other children being in your house and expecting others to host, so it should be a complete no, or accept these happen.

I get what you are saying but this is a "you" issue, most kids love visiting friends houses and vica versa. You are putting your bad experiences onto your child. What are you going to say to them when they are seven , have awareness and the only kid who never has friends over or is invited to houses? I think it's very unfair to be honest.

Playdates at our school are drop and dash. I personally couldn't think of anything worse than standing in a cold wet park.
Playdates are after school and you collect your kid after a few hours.

I only meet up with people I like. The play dates phase doesn’t last long, it’s not that big of a deal.

Generally, children really enjoy seeing their classmates’ houses and their bedrooms and their toys, even if they have lots of other social activities going on.

Why are the adults involved? Surely the children go to each other’s house straight after school and then you pick up at an agreed time.

I hated them too, with a passion, thankfully I never had to stay, it was always drop and collect afterwards which wasn't so bad.

Once school age the parents drop off. Or you collect from school and take them home later. Absolutely no need to be entertaining adults for hours. The whole point of them is the kids run off and play in their room and you put your feet up.

Thanks for your perspective. They are/will be invited to the house of people I know well and friendly with. I am talking about the play dates with people I don’t know and have little interaction with, except occasionally saying hello at pick up/drop off. It’s great to hear what others think as you said I’m driven by my own experiences

I never do playdates. We don't live close enough to the school and I would have issues taking another child in the car or being happy sending my child home in someone else's car (I have views on car seats that I know others would not agree on).

Like the OP we just meet people out. I find that better anyway as the kids can run around more, my house is not that big and only a small garden so an extra child adds to the chaos!

Absolutely and I hope you don't think I'm being critical because I get that this affected you as a child and has stayed with you. I would try and see if you can attempt it for your little one just because they will naturally explore the world and make new friends. Even one new house at a time but I can completely appreciate that this is tough for you.

Réception age is still young to drop and go.

I only do drop off play dates; if I like the mom we can stay and chat.

I absolutely hate having visitors but as I have an only child and live in a relatively poor area and the lovely unpredictable English weather I had to have playdates at home because some of my child's friends were on a tight budget. The playdates weren't always recirpocated at their own home or somewhere else. I found that mums either avoided all playdates anywhere or were happy to send them over to mine or leave them with me withour inviting us out. This is often the mums with big extended family and lots of siblibgs. They have enough socialisation they aren't as invested in nurturing school/clubs friendships.

I made effort when my child was in primary but in secondary she doesn't want anyone over, even though I have encouraged her to do so many times. She doesn't even like meeting outside with her friends either. I think Covid isolation at home with me and having to initiate online playdate and videocall dates with friends who had siblings and weren't bothered really made me regret not having had a second child for the cliche of someone to play and interact with was very real.

Anyway , I'm glad I had made the effort because I can look back and say I tried to give her a normal childhood experience particularly as an only child.

Just suggest meeting out in a public place a few times and if a mum invites you to her home, you can reciprocate by inviting them out like a softplay. I think people get a better feel of you when they see you at home so you could invite them home and then all go together from your place somewhere or do an activity then the parent pick them up from your home. Also keep the playdates short or maybe just tea after school so they pick up in 45 mins to an hour.

Chatting to the parents at drop offs a few times and swapping numbers so they aren't a total stranger.

It shouldn't be, you drop them at school.

Parents are present when they are toddlers/preschool. Once out of nappies amd able to feed themselves you leave them with other parents. Start off with picking up from school, do them tea and drop home. Socialising with all school parents is not necessary.

Ok, thanks for your perspective. I find it hard to leave them with someone I do not know. But I m driven by my own experience, I did not enjoy being around other people’s houses when I was a child, even if I enjoyed playing with my friends. I’d much preferred for my parents to be around.

I understand it can be hard but what you do is chat in the playground, at birthday parties you get a feel for other parents those with similar principles regarding childcare. So, with ours one family had 2 unruly large breed dogs and we didn't accept invites to go there but generally parents are all pretty similar regarding safety. Give the dc a nice tea, let them play amd take them home.

Nothing is risk free but parents being present for playdates once at school is really unusual ime. It's a nice break! Take it in turns with other like minded parents.

Retired school teacher here. Just my 2p from a school perspective.

You may not be friends with the parents, but your children may really enjoy each other's company at school. It is possible to make friends with people we like, rather than because our parents like their parents.

Parents who stick together at school and therefore have each other's children regularly, "normally" know each other in another life. "Oh our kids went to nursery together "..." oh we've got older kids together in year 6 (or whatever)". Tbh this doesn't broaden your children's experience. They're sticking within the things they know.. rather than finding independence and confidence in visiting a "different" house, seeing different customs, eating diffetent food etc. Children are very observant...its good to see that some children share rooms/eat at the table/have a garden/grandma lives there too/etc....possibly all the things your child may not have or do. It's just making a broader experience in life for them.

Tbh I don't think there's many parents that enjoy playdates. I know myself even, it wasn't my most favourite part of the week! But my children enjoyed the hospitality of other families and I thought it was important to reciprocate, aside from all the reasons above. My eldest son used to love going to one friends house because the mum used to make loads of crafts with them....something I absolutely hate! I had a playdate that used to love to come to mine because we had a dog and a trampoline and he didn't at home.

Your children are still quite young. You may be pleased as your children move through their school career that they have lots of friends in their circle ,that you've encouraged through playdates.As adults, We all like to have "a mate" that we think is on our side, someone to turn to at work....its no different to children. They all want to have friends and join in and playdates just help those friendships along.

In answer to being worried about your children or your children having the same experiences as you, your children will tell you. My youngest son was terribly homesick and whilst we had playdates at my house, he rarely went to anyone's house. But that was OK and I assured him that it was. I wasn't making him go anywhere. I was terribly homesick as a child myself, I wasn't going to put my own son through it. And I didn't and I was honest about it. I was even honest with the mums who asked him for playdates. But trust your kids, give them the chance to go if they want to.