To find it easier to connect with people I barely know, than my DH family ?

[lifesagain]

What's that about ?

I've been in my in law family for over 10 years. I've had some confrontations with my mother in law and also sister in law. Usually when I've put up a boundary and they haven't liked it and ( especially MIL ) has cried and turned it on me. Everyone then joins in with her and paints me as the bad guy. I have quite a few examples of this kind of thing. MIL can you stop criticising how I'm holding my baby in front of everyone, I have just given birth - ' oh you absolute horror of a person to say anything to me, I have good intentions. You're insane ! '. I've literally had character assassinations unleashed on me by MIL and SIL ( whilst I was pregnant may I add ). Apparently I'm over sensitive and have bad intentions. Anyway, we haven't had an incident like this for 3-4 years now.

They're good grandparents and I do like to believe the best in people, I really do and I try to enable a family relationship for my children.

More recently MIL and FIL annoy us sometimes, by being overly critical of our home for example, but we try not to engage and just let these little comments go.

Anyway onto the main post. SIL and BIL and his GF like to spend quite a bit of time with us - as they also like to see the kids and are amazing uncle and aunts. But I just find them so dismissive sometimes ( well, most of the time ). I have recently started a new job and I realised that my colleagues are actually nicer to me/ connect more with me than my DH's siblings who I see very often. I also note that I am literally their biggest cheerleader and supporter but they give me fuck all back of that kind of attitude.

I feel like I am always open to conversation, supportive, complimentary and eager to connect- but they just frequently come to my house or ask to meet up and give pretty much nothing back. Conversations are super stale, I get dismissed / ignored if I mention anything of importance besides the weather and I'm really sick of always holding an open door and ear policy for people who clearly don't give a shit about me. My DH actually feels the same and struggles with it as well.

I don't know whether the dynamic is off because of what's happened previously. But it just doesn't feel good. I don't want to take my kids family away from them. They love them so much. But the way they behave towards me is so cold and horrible and I'm really noticing that I get more connection from literal strangers than them and that also can't be right.

I find it very difficult to see people who I feel this way with so often. It leaves me sad and depleted because I try every time anew to make a connection and then just get left feeling like crap after because I have once again put my energy into people who just don't give a shit.

How can I continue a relationship for the sake of my children without feeling so defeated and frankly a bit resentful at this point ?

keep cheerful and say to yourself ‘I don’t care’ regardless of comments - because really why should you care, they have their views, they only affect or hurt you if you let them. By reminding myself I don’t care I no longer spend time mulling over comments, what they thought of me, what I did or didn’t say. I have friends who I do care what they say but they are my friends so they don’t actually make criticisms or digs.
Apart from avoiding letting them influence the DCs in a bad way - just don’t care! Ignore them, let the DCs see their confident happy mum.

I guess in time we will see if they will try to influence the children at all. I believe in the best in people and don't think they'd do this.

I just think that they're a very tight knit family and the in laws are very very set in their ways. They're a bit arrogant and think their way is the best way and can be quite judgemental and put other people down to elevate themselves. And their kids very much idolise them and I think I joined the family and didn't want to do things entirely how they want to do them and stood up for myself a few times and they didn't like that. But I don't think they're evil. Although reading that back, I realise that they sound pretty bad. But to be honest, my own family is no better either. I just don't see them as much.

You are taking their family culture personally. They maybe don’t have the people skills you do, and certainly don’t express themselves the way you expect.

In some cultures, women bossing people about is their expression of love. They share their knowledge with people and give advice unsolicited. In other cultures this is seen as interfering.

You felt criticised by Mil and told her to stop. She felt her advice and wisdom was being rejected and felt hurt.

Stop expecting them to be different, and concentrate on organising your life the way you want it to be. If you are fed up of cheerleading for them, stop. If you get more support elsewhere, then hang out with those people.

You felt criticised by Mil and told her to stop. She felt her advice and wisdom was being rejected and felt hurt.

I understand that she felt hurt and you'd be surprised how many times I apologised for hurting her feelings. As in, I'm sorry that the fact you hurt my feelings, hurt your feelings.. but she never apologises to me. She just calls me crazy and sensitive.

Stop putting so much energy into people who don't give a shit about you, you don't have to be besties for them to have a relationship with your child. Give back the energy they're giving, stop giving a shit about them.

Understand that your children don't actually need to have a relationship with someone who treats their parents so poorly. It's ok to reduce the amount of time they spend with you and your family.

Tell your husband to grow a spine and speak to his siblings, if he's upset by their behaviour too then it's his place to deal with it, not yours.

Whatever my husband says though, will just be pushed back on me for being the bad guy.

His mum has literally said before that it's me who's taken him away from his family and before I came along there were no arguments between them.

She called him a traitor for sticking up for me.

Right. You both feel hurt.

But she thinks her intention in giving you advice was to be loving and helpful. She was being supportive. When you tell her to stop you are rejecting support.

Your intention in telling her to stop is to protect yourself.

If you reframe her ‘criticism’ as support, then why would you need to protect yourself?

I’m not saying either of you are right or wrong. It sounds as though you are capable of reflection and reframing, and managing the relationship differently, in order to get the best outcome for your dc. That’s all.

Step back and look at the wider family culture. Have they all stayed close to home? Are the parents more experienced than their dc, by virtue of age?

In some families, no one leaves for education or jobs in a different area, the parents are always wiser than the dc because they have experienced more. So the kids look up to them.

In other families, the parents have lived in the same town and have the same job and the same friends and hobbies for years. The dc go to uni, meet different people, live in different places, have different jobs and experience different things. They have just as much experience as their parents and don’t necessarily look up to them.

Is that the culture difference you are seeing? Your DH has broadened his outlook and now sees his family differently?

Why does she need to insult me though ? You're just ignoring that. That's what makes it an issue. It's manipulative.

It's number 1 for DH family. Whereas in my family it's definitely number 2.

You are assuming she means to, wants to, insult you. She’s doing it on purpose. You might be right, you were there, I wasn’t.

If someone is holding their baby upside down (exaggerating for effect), showing them how to do it isn’t insulting them.

Telling Someone they are a rubbish mum who doesn’t love their baby is an insult. Telling someone the baby will get tummy ache if you hold the bottle wrong isn't an insult. It’s advice.

The examples you have were in the latter category, I felt. But like I said, I wasn’t there. I’m going to step away because I’m upsetting you which wasn’t my intention. I was trying to be helpful, ironically!

@myplace you missed the part where she told me I was insane.

It does sound like you're bring oversensitive with the example about holding the baby. Her reaction is OTT though.

Strangers are much less likely to offer criticism or argue with you so you're unlikely to know if they disagree with you.

Honestly I can give you a list. The example of holding the baby was just a tiny one that pushed me over the edge that day.

She was so over the top critical, it was incredible. I couldn't do anything without a comment.

Why do we need to criticise others though ? Especially if no one asked for an opinion ?

Why do I need to go to someone's house and tell them I don't like their wall colour ? I just don't think that's necessary. Family or not.

Personally I think your dc need a dm with good mh more than being around the people you describe.. They aren't behaving like loving family so stop having them in your home.. They aren't giving your dc insight into how relationships should be...

You're right on one hand. I suppose what I do is just give them a chance to be nicer. I try different things to connect and it just leaves me defeated but I keep trying and giving them the benefit of the doubt.

They aren’t going to be nicer. They can’t imagine you don’t need their advice. They are older than you and therefore know better. It’s a really traditional outlook and enshrined In ideas of respecting your elders etc.

They aren’t going to change. They don’t see the need.

You can though. You can manage the situation differently. You can let it wash over you and rise above it, because you know you have more life experience than them. Why would it matter if they don’t like the way you do things.

You are the person with the power here- the power to ignore them, to know you don’t need their approval.

DMiL is lovely but very, very different from me. I was considering baby names that are not widely used. She bought the Times top 100 names for the year so I could choose a popular one. 🤦‍♀️ I said thank you and proceeded to name our dc things fashionable 100 years before 🤣 They have always been the only “Johnny” in the school.
DM in contrast shares my taste. Her knowledge of baby wrangling was good. She’s a nasty piece of work though, and couldn’t be trusted in charge of my small DC.

I don't even expect MIL or FIL to be nicer- actually they make more effort to have a conversation than the BIL and SIL. BIL and SIL are young and I see them a lot. They're the ones who act like they couldn't care less really. BIL and SIL are clones of their parents.. they don't seem to have any differing views to them, even though they're young obvs.

That’s a shame. They are fundamentally different from you. It sounds as though they aspire to nothing more than what their parents have. You and your husband think for yourselves.

People have such different experiences. Some of My sister’s in laws who I tend to see at family weddings think I’m laughable. They seem to snigger at me, I think because I go to church. It is quite a sneery family, that’s their humour, to laugh at other people.
Like you, I prefer to see the best in people, to work at relationships and build connections even when they don’t come naturally. Some people just don’t want to, though.

I think it’s natural for you to look for connection from them and how you’re made to feel is important, even if they don’t mean.. but from
what you’ve said I’d presume they do too. It’s rubbish to realise the in-law family won’t be who you understandably want them to be, but accepting it and protecting your peace is all you can do. If they make you feel low, avoid being there when they visit. I’d also match their energy, if they don’t ask questions in response to you let the silence speak for itself. And most importantly, practice not caring what they think about you and trusting who you know you are. Sounds to me like you’re generous with enabling them to spend time with your kids and maybe that’s all you can do.

But just to add if my MIL expressed about me what she has said about you, I probably wouldn’t speak to her or the rest of the family again unless absolutely necessary, so I really think you are being v generous.