To think I'm just the worst mother

[psychedelicorange]

I've a child who is fifteen. He has maturity of a ten year old but moreover he has severe social anxiety and ASD traits. He comes across to those who don't know/ understand as very controlling. He tries to control everyone and everything around him. I understand this is part of his personality now. My issue is that his siblings hate him. They actively avoid him as they find him abusive( verbally) controlling insulting and generally a nightmare to live with.
I jump in always and pull him up on his behaviours. He doesn't care , he just keeps annoying them intentionally . He is not like this outside the home. He is s quiet and nervous mostly .

I've tried every single therapy , professional assessments etc but no thing is working.

He doesn't seem to care that his siblings despise him. He has no firm friends but can be chatty and funny when he's comfortable in others company.

He has serious separation anxiety.
He pushed every boundary and every button until he breaks me and r wears me down.

His father left us some years ago and he is his mirror image in terms of emotional dysregulation, nasty at times, angry and sad. He can't stand his father.

I've asked for family therapy and am actively searching fir private practitioners.
I am so sad myself as I genuinely feel broken by the whole thing.
Can anyone advise as right now I feel like the worst mother ever .

You’re not a bad mum you are just facing an incredibly difficult challenge. I work with young people with ASD and these are some of the things the bad parents I’ve worked with have done - physical abuse, hidden drugs on their child, left their children home alone with very bad consequences (very young with ASD and LD), tied their child’s hands (to stop them flapping), lied about their child’s difficulties to get benefits, lied about their child’s difficulties to seek unnecessary medical treatment and all sorts of other stuff. I’m not saying there aren’t bad parents out there but from your post it just sounds like you’re trying your best.

I can’t help but I had to say, you aren’t a bad mum. Bad parents don’t care. You care. You’re doing a fine job x

My DD15 is AuDHD. I'm a lone parent.

What did help her was medication for her ADHD but more recently I've realised she is PDA.

It is really hard but you are not failing, you sound like a great mum.

She is quite like your DS in some ways, really shy etc with most people, gets exhausted from masking all day then can sometimes let rip at home because she's so exhausted.

Shes an only so it doesn't have the devastating impact it probably does in your home.

Is your DS diagnosed? How is he doing at school etc?

“I've asked for family therapy and am actively searching fir private practitioners”

Is this how the worst mother would react?

No!

Your other children aren’t like him, so the issue isn’t you. There is a high likelihood that you will discover a medical reason for the way he behaves, and when there is a firm diagnosis, you can seek support from other parents who are navigating the same situation. Peer support is invaluable in these circumstances; I know, I’ve been there.

Sadly, some children are very difficult to parent. We used to lie in bed at night, telling ourselves that tomorrow would be different- we’d be better at it. Tomorrow would arrive, and no matter how we tried, her manipulative behaviour would take over.

But we love her.

Wishing you the very best, and urging you to shout loudly to get you and your son’s needs met. X

It’s not part of his personality, it’s part of his disability.

My DD (18) has ASD and Anxiety, and we have had some very rocky times. Have been through all the things you mentioned and have (sort of) made it to the other side.

Sanctions for ASD people, such as “pulling him up”, often don’t work. They aren’t NT, so don’t react in the same way a NT person would.

Have you been seen by CAMHS? Do you have an official diagnosis ? It made such a difference to us. They were able to perscribe Sertraline, which helped to control the anxiety, which meant we were able to manage ASD behaviours better. We also found a private therapist that was amazing.

Something that helped for us, was giving her that control that she wanted. We needed to step back, and be a bit “hands off” with things. Her room was her room, it was a shit tip, but I had to leave it .. she did sort it out (eventually). Letting her make her own choices about clothing (even if I had to bite my lip), hair colour etc.

His behaviour comes from a place of fear, these are panic attacks, and he can’t really control them, not does he want to feel iike this. For us, this was were the medication really helped.

There are some good books, support networks etc. The SN Teens board here is full of people in the same position. On AIBU you’ll get a load of people who think ASD behaviour in young people can be solved by switching the WiFi off, abd taking his phone off him (it can’t)

Disabilty can be tough in the whole family.

You’re not a bad mum in the slightest, I’ve been there it’s not easy, whatever you do you mustn’t blame yourself. They were born this way and you are doing your best to help them. With my similar dc private counselling helped, leaving school, and also just age..when they’re 18 and the hormones settle there might be a slight improvement. Be kind to yourself.

You're absolutely not a bad mum. I'm in a not dissimilar situation. You say you've sought assessment and he has ADHD traits..has he actually been diagnosed?
In the end, you can't actually make someone behave in X way and if he is ND then the usual form parenting techniques won't achieve anything positive. I had some excellent intervention from Early Help for my DS .they sort of sit between social services and camhs. We were referred by school. In terms of practical suggestions, that's my best efforts I'm afraid, other than trying to create positive time with the siblings, take them out occasionally without him if he's ok to be left. Don't beat yourself up..this is hard.

If you're a bad mum then so am I. No, we're not bad mums, ASD teens are hard to deal with and they suffer immensely. He tries to control everything because he's anxious. Mine's the same. Heavy OCD as well, he makes you repeat the same phrase 10 times to be sure he's got it right. It's hard for all of us. His brother loathes him because he's a pain. It's sad but we can only do so much. Like you I correct him, protect his sibling and try to go gently since he easily goes into panic mode. Nobody who hasn't experienced it would understand.

But we're not bad mothers because our sons have disabilities! We deserve a fucking medal for hanging in and trying to do our best for our children every single day no matter how exhausting and mentally draining it is.💚

Such reassuring posts. For now I'm concentrating on helping him to be simply kind , through use of mindful techniques and breath work and also coming down hard on doing as he's asked. I feel utterly broken from it all. Thanks

I don't have advice as I've not been in this situation and I can see already mothers who have are giving you good tips. I just wanted to say though you aren't a bad mother. You love your children and you are doing your best in a really challenging situation. So give yourself a break. Xx

'I've asked for family therapy and am actively searching fir private practitioners.'

How old are the siblings? I'd suggest giving them an option to engage in therapy on individual basis IF they wish to, but would not advocate family therapy for everyone unless everyone is clearly on board and want to work on making changes.

I'd however suggest you look for therapy for yourself OP to support you in navigating this difficult situation.

Thanks. Yes I have therapy myself and so have my children in the past. The main issues at home are his lack of respect ✊ r care for everyone's boundaries and privacy and being inappropriate regarding his unrelenting quest for knowledge about everyone's lives and business. He also says the most awful hurtful and damaging things to us all in anger.
Today he told his sister a 'fun fact'. She rolled her eyes and made a snarky comment. I pulled her up on it and this is the way I'm going to move forward at home. I will not be giving any of them an inch regarding manners and rudeness.
I know they despise him because of his behaviours and know why but there still has to be a measure of civility in the calm moments. I will also be journaling to watch for patterns .