How do I get back on my feet?

[OneBrightAzureBiscuit]

hi- posted because I just need to get this off my chest and hopefully get some sort of advice x

Ive cracked and had a huge mental breakdown- started off with passive thoughts and oversleeping to the point of disassociating constantly, sleeping all day, even washing is a battle. I feel hated by people & alone. I see everyone getting on with their good lives- jobs, driving, moving into homes you name it etc and here I am trying to get back on the horse alone. And I can’t do it. People don’t understand- my sister has been very abusive in the past so I try and stay at my partner house as much as I can, it is my safe haven he’s a truly amazing man and I’m so lucky. My mum turned up at his & demanded I go home with her, anyways I stayed in my room because I was so down. She took me back to his the next day and on the way there my sister was in the car. She started tutting at me and saying stuff under her breath- she’s extremely passive aggressive. I didn’t say anything back as I was on the brink of tears.

my sister hates me, other people hate me. I was bullied in several different schools and wonder why people even talk to me or how I have anyone. I was abused in every way growing up as a child and my dad would constantly call me a waste of space, I was molested there’s too much to write but what he told me is what I am now- its been hardwired into me and god do I feel it. Because now as an adult in her twenties, I feel like an absolute loser. I have a driving test booked but no car or licence.
i am currently unemployed seeking a Job soon but had jobs and have qualifications.
i don’t live alone with my own house and I have extreme fertility issues which leaves me in excruciating pain with a bloated body and face most days. I just watch life pass me by and always feel the world is better off without me.
this is so so long but wanted to give a somewhat clear description. If you read til the end or commented thank you, I’m still trying to work out how to reply on here.
anyone got any advice? I’m already popping painkillers & binge drinking.
thank you in advance x

Gosh OP, it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. I’m confused, do you live at home or with your boyfriend? I’m unclear why your mum was coming to get you (unless I’ve misunderstood?)
The one thing I absolutely can say is please put down the alcohol and any painkillers. I speak as someone who spent their entire 20’s with an alcohol and painkiller problem, 3 suicide attempts and several self harm incidences. I am now clean and sober but believe me it will not help you at all it just masks it.
Can I also ask what the health issues are? Do you have endometriosis? Are you getting help for this?

@Midnightjowel I live at home but may as well live with my partner as I’m always here. She took me home because I was suicidal :/

I have severe PCOS but doctors won’t treat me- I have asked for referrals as told to but they won’t help me. :(

Could you ask the GP to support around making referrals to local groups or for a social prescriber?

It sounds like you have a lot of different issues, counselling and support will help you manage each aspect if it all.

Just take it one day at a time, for some it takes years to build up the life they want, only the lucky few 'have it all' very easily. Could you enrol onto a course, part time even, whilst you deal with your health issues? That would really help with your feelings of isolation and you will learn something that could open other doors for you.

If you can, try to get yourself out, go for walks, it helps with clearing your head and keeps you fit. Be proud of every small achievement, even if that is just that you got washed and brushed your teeth today, that is a positive, write it down, every little good thing you do for yourself is an achievement so when you see that list growing you can see how well you have done 🙂

It seems to me the logical advice would be to move in with your partner if he’d allow it? Your sister sounds awful and I think you’d benefit from having some space from that environment?

I know you said you’ve been drinking but if you can please try follow some of this advice:

1. are you claiming everything you are entitled to? If not please start the ball rolling with these right away. PIP (disability benefits for your mental health) and Universal Credit. This will ease the panic in the short term whilst you get yourself back on your feet.
2. absolutely STOP the drinking. Honestly, it is a depressant and it just absolutely isn’t worth it.
3. speak to your GP first thing tomorrow, you need some good anti depressants. I find fluoxetine the best for depression that is trauma based (I too have childhood abuse and flashbacks etc) but you may have to try a few to find a good fit
4. prioritise the basics: food / water / sleep. Even if it’s ‘healthy’ ready meals and just aiming for a shower every other day at first, try and get even a tiny bit of routine in your day.
5. speak to GP or self refer for counselling- do this immediately and make sure you explain what you’ve said here.
6. when you feel up to it, you need to push for your PCOS to be investigated. you are legally entitled to request to be seen at a private hospital, this is called ‘the right to choose’. There is lots about it online but basically you go to the GP, tell them you want a referral to Gynaecology for your problems and why (pain, bleeding, it’s making you feel suicidal etc) and that you want to be referred to a private hospital - this way you’ll be seen within usually 8-12 weeks. You can check online where your nearest is, just google ‘NHS right to choose’.

listen, I’m going to give you tough love here but you cannot let this become the course your life takes. Let me tell you I’ve been there, I didn’t think I’d reach 30 years old. But I turned my life around and I now sit here (in the menopause hence the not sleeping ha!) many years down the line - I do still have depression on and off but on the whole I function, I’m sober, I have my own family who love me for me. You can do this.

Also just a quick one in regards to the doctors denying you referrals- if this happens again tell them you’d like a written explanation with their name signed as to why they are refusing. You’ll soon see they’ll change their tune…

and if not you take that letter and you go to your local PALS office (usually in your local hospital) and you put in a complaint.

we’re rooting for you OP x

Such good advice @Midnightjowel