Is my husband being selfish?

[Yunni13]

I’m 27 weeks pregnant and I’ve not had the smoothest pregnancy with HG. I’ve been signed off work for the majority of my pregnancy and my husband has been helpful in making sure I’m fed and doing the laundry, while working full time. Since being pregnant we haven’t really been intimate and he is not really affectionate with me anymore. He’s also not been very reassuring or comforting and doesn’t tend to talk about the baby unless I bring it up. I’m starting to get stressed out as we haven’t bought a single thing for the baby even though I’ve said for months we should make a start so we’re not rushing about come the last few months of my pregnancy but he’s been too busy gaming and hanging out with his friends when off work. This is something I’ve brought up to him and while he acknowledges he should be spending a bit more time with me in preparation for the arrival of our baby, he resorts back to his old ways. He plans to go down to Liverpool for his friend’s stag do when I’m just over 36 weeks pregnant and it’ll be a 4 hour drive away. They’re planning on going Friday to Sunday and I expressed to him I’m feeling a bit anxious as it is gonna be the last few weeks of my pregnancy and I’m a first time mum. He suggested only going down for the Saturday for one night as a compromise to which I agreed. He suddenly retracted that offer and said “Actually I’ll be going down the full weekend because I don’t want to be controlled.” which obviously caught me off guard as he was the one who suggested it and I am in no way controlling him. This led to a full blown argument and I ended up having a panic attack. He left the room and came back to say I’m now manipulating him as it isn’t “his fault” I’m now upset. Not only am I feeling guilty for getting so upset and upsetting my baby, but now I’m feeling so confused. Am I being unreasonable? Is he being inconsiderate and selfish? This stress isn’t good for my mental well-being and I can really feel my anxiety flaring up, I’m considering going to stay at my mum’s for a bit to clear my head.

His mistake was offering a compromise he wasn't happy with. Other than that more info needed.

Why can't you stay at your mums when he's on the stag do, if you're worried about being alone? Or is there something else you're worried about?

Why does he need to be present for you to get started buying things for the baby?

Why do you need him to initiate conversations on the baby?

He told his mates he was only coming for one night and they made fun of him with the usual misogynistic bs about being controlled by the missus. That’s why he retracted his offer and was awful about it.

i don’t think him being away for a weekend when it’s 4 weeks before your due date is anything to worry about. Do you have someone who could take you to hospital if you went into labour? Honestly, I flew from London to Australia 6 weeks before my first baby was due. We don’t have a home and stayed with friends for 2 weeks, so we’re moving into a new house with no fridge, furniture or baby stuff 4 weeks before the due date.

however, his attitude to you and your baby is pretty off. Was the pregnancy planned? Sorry for asking, but it doesn’t sound like he really wants to be a father.

I think it’s time for a sit down and a proper discussion about how you’re feeling. Sorry OP, he sounds a bit shit.

Not voted yet as more context needed. It does sound concerning that you’re slightly drifting apart at what should be an exciting time for you both but he might also be feeling stressed at the prospect of a needy wife and having to be the only one working.

You have gone straight to stress, anxiety and wellbeing. If this is what you say to him when you talk it can be quite wearing if he is not a good communicator and feels under pressure to keep you happy all the time. You do need to communicate in a way that works for you both. You both feel aggrieved at the moment and walking out now won’t be helpful.

Practically the stag isn’t that alarming. You can stay with family and he can come back home if you happen to go into early labour.

The baby shopping. Some couples make this a big event and some don’t. I think I just bought stuff at the supermarket and got the big stuff from an NCT sale and didn’t involve him as he wasn’t knowledgeable or frankly that interested.

The gaming and disinterest is worrying though and I can see why you’re anxious at the moment.

Yes OP I think his whole attitude is very concerning.

He doesn't seem invested in your relationship and doesnt seem interested in your forthcoming baby.

He seems to be wanting to continue the life of a single man. His pals take priority. And the fact going on a stag do to drink and all that these appalling stag dos entail is more important to him than you at this late stage of pregnancy is very sad.

There is a chance his attitude may change when the baby arrives OP but I don't think it bodes well for the future .

There’s no need for him to avoid his friends stag night, or to only go for one night. This isn’t something that needed to be a complaint. You still have plenty of time to get what you need for the baby. You can make a start on baby shopping from bed.

if your DH is working full time and looking after you with cooking, laundry etc, then he’s obviously not a terrible husband. More likely that you just have too much time to overthink at the moment.

Honestly, having a panic attack over not getting your own way about him going on a stag night for one night instead of two is very manipulative. I couldn’t cope with someone trying to control me to that extent.

You say he is being very helpful, doing the household chores etc so I do feel he deserves a break and that the stag must have been planned for a while. I do think 36 weeks is close to due date so can see your concerns - however do you have a family member who is contactable should anything happen sooner than expected?

Buying baby stuff is never going to be exciting to men. I remember doing loads of research and ultimately my partner just went along with it and said I know best. I don't know why you need his involvement to get some bits together and you haven't gone ahead yourself. Also it is probably harder now to actually see things as a lot of shops I used years ago no longer exist and everything is online. I would just order some bits and then show him when it arrives.

Seems to be a constant stream of threads on here by women who are pregnant and H or P are twats. Come on ladies, please stop getting pregnant by these men, it is absolutely ridiculous.

Hes doing the cooking, cleaning, working full time, looking after you. He wants a weekend away when you still have weeks left to go. I dont see a problem. Can you online shop for baby things? Yeah he should be taking more of an interest on getting things sorted for the baby I agree.

Make sure you don't end up paying for all the baby stuff. He's going to be skint I bet.
If you are off work get browsing and do a list (including costs). Let him have a look and ask him he wants to change anything before you order it on line. If you are off sick you're not well enough to be going traipsing around shopping for everything you need.

I wasn’t having a panic attack to control him in any extent, it was 2am in the morning and we were in the midst of arguing after there being tension all week. It’s been extremely lonely and emotional feeling like I’m going through our first pregnancy alone.

I don’t expect him to miss it at all, he’s the one who suggested the one night away over two. All I’ve said is I’m a bit anxious as I don’t know what to expect so late into being pregnant. It was more the fact when I agreed to his compromise, he took it back and said I was controlling which I think seemed a bit uncalled for.

And I was waiting for him to buy stuff with me because as I said it’s our first child together and something we’ve spoken about and although wasn’t “planned”, we did agree we would start trying this year - she just came along a few months earlier (we’ve also been together for 13 years) so naturally I expected him to be more excited and involved than he has been.

There’s absolutely no doubt he’s been physically helpful when he’s home, like I said he’ll do most of the cooking and I’ll clean up. The laundry scent is still making me sick so that’s something he’s taking care of. I’m not off work as in I don’t have an income and still contributing to our mortgage and bills every month, I’ve still had my CSP and we’ve agreed I’ll take my mat leave early given the nature of my sickness.

It’s difficult to give a whole back story but the gaming and distance had been an issue for a while, even before I got pregnant, I just think it’s highlighted it more now when I expected the opposite. I’m just feeling quite lonely and most of my friends and younger sisters haven’t been pregnant so it’s hard for them to relate or understand (I’m 29 btw, husband is only 30).

Sorry you're having such a tough time. This is only a very small suggestion, but I had the same issue with smells making me sick earlier in the pregnancy and we bought non-perfumed laundry liquid. Game changer! My husband was v happy when I felt better and we could go back to using fabric softener again, but it did help for the first few months :D