Feel overworked and under-appreciated

Hunnybunny235 · 2025-01-09T23:37:06+00:00

So let me start off with painting the picture. Husband and I have 2 very young kids (9 month old and 2.5 year old.) I love my husband to pieces and we are very lucky to be in the position we are thanks to his hard work. He is a business owner and works remotely. Due to the nature of his work, he works long hours and over the past few years I have become more understanding of this. With our first I very unfairly used to resent him for how much he had to work but if he hadn’t done that we wouldn’t be thriving financially like we are now. Im not sure if that resentment is creeping back or if I’m being taken advantage of. I never get a break not even to do my eyebrows or shave my legs. That’s very literal btw. And so far he has been to the spa this month, set himself a new bedtime where he sleeps early and I have to deal with the awake kids, and is going to Barcelona with his friend this weekend. Meanwhile he called me silly for crying the other day because I couldn’t get my hair done. Anyways, I was in extreme pain today with aches and chills ( no idea why) and he decided he was tired at 6pm and went for a nap. I, of course, still in this pain, took the kiddies out to play, made dinner and got them ready for bed. Can I just add I don’t mind looking after the kids as much as I do; they are my heart and soul and so fun to be around but I do mind not getting to practice self care or still having to look after them while I’m ill. I try seeing where he is coming from having his own stresses with having a business but am I wrong to think I have a job that is hard to? I should be getting them breaks. Not to mention my baby still doesn’t sleep through the night and I’m the only one who wakes up every 2 hours with him. I’m equally as tired if not more (although it’s not a competition.) I just hate that because I’m a stay at home mom I feel guilty for asking for leisure time.

username299 · 09/01/2025 23:41

If you literally don't have ten minutes to shave your legs, you need to have a conversation. Explain how much you're doing and how you'd like equal down time.

I would have asked him not to go to bed and to sort out the children if I wasn't feeling well.

Largestlegocollectionever · 09/01/2025 23:50

Oh bless you, what an absolute aersehole. Honestly you’d find it easier alone, but I get you probably want to find a way to change it first and try that.

So I’d find a good time, and have the conversation that he’s actually being quite abusive to you, remind him of the hair incident, and then perhaps give a rough estimate of his free time versus yours, and how he either bucks his ideas up, starts appreciating you and everything you do for the family, or you WILL leave him, and that could mean building that family unit with other people - not him!
So what does he want?

And if he doesn’t change - then he never will and get out asap.

Catza · 10/01/2025 08:26

The truth of the matter is that he has set work hours and clocks of for "me time" and you don't. Don't kid yourself thinking he deserves it because he has a "proper job". What he is basically saying here is that you are not contributing to the household and what you do for him and the childen doesn't matter. He doesn't appreciate you or love you because these are not the actions of a loving husband.
I'd say, as a first step, you need to get your kids to the nursery (for which he pays his fair share) and get a job.

Emilianoo · 10/01/2025 11:19

Hes an arsehole. You're a SAHM but he needs to be giving you some time for yourself. Can you book a spa? What would happen if you did?

I couldn't live like this, I'd consider working part time and having nursery help in this situation.

Original poster

Hunnybunny235 · 10/01/2025 11:31

I’ve tried that. I’ve always been guilt tripped into only working for “the family business.” On top of what I already do, did I mention I do admin for the business? It feels very unfair.

OP posts:

username299 · 10/01/2025 11:37

Hunnybunny235 · 10/01/2025 11:31

I’ve tried that. I’ve always been guilt tripped into only working for “the family business.” On top of what I already do, did I mention I do admin for the business? It feels very unfair.

It seems like your husband takes advantage of you and you go along with it. He will continue to take advantage of you until you demand better.

He seems very selfish and doesn't seem to understand that you also need downtime. You need to make it clear that you want support.

Agix · 10/01/2025 11:42

Tell him you also want to book a spa day/weekly break. End of.

If he reacts badly then you know he's a bad egg.

Catza · 10/01/2025 11:50

Hunnybunny235 · 10/01/2025 11:31

I’ve tried that. I’ve always been guilt tripped into only working for “the family business.” On top of what I already do, did I mention I do admin for the business? It feels very unfair.

If you work for the family business, does your husband pay you salary? My friend found herself in a position of working 60h a week for the family business and never being paid a penny. Granted, her husband would give her money for anything if she asked, but she had to ask and this is degrading and pretty much killed their relationship.

MoonHavana · 10/01/2025 11:57

Do you work? Are you a stay at home mum? What do you expect being a mother? It is a 24/7 job? People choose to have children and then complain when they have to look after them. I am certain you can find minutes to relax for yourself, when they are sleeping? Or napping? Or are you one of these modern parents who are obliged to fill every waking hour of their children's day with some form of soft play, entertainment, outside play , and the rest of the kit and kaboodle that parents are expected to do to be 'a good parent'? Get them into a routine, make time for yourself and be pleased you can stay at home. Many of us can't and have to run ourselves ragged trying to keep heart and soul together.

Original poster

Hunnybunny235 · 10/01/2025 12:05

MoonHavana · 10/01/2025 11:57

Do you work? Are you a stay at home mum? What do you expect being a mother? It is a 24/7 job? People choose to have children and then complain when they have to look after them. I am certain you can find minutes to relax for yourself, when they are sleeping? Or napping? Or are you one of these modern parents who are obliged to fill every waking hour of their children's day with some form of soft play, entertainment, outside play , and the rest of the kit and kaboodle that parents are expected to do to be 'a good parent'? Get them into a routine, make time for yourself and be pleased you can stay at home. Many of us can't and have to run ourselves ragged trying to keep heart and soul together.

Sorry, having trouble following any of this. You clearly haven’t read the post properly because you’d see a) I’m not complaining about the kids at all lol and b) yes I am a stay at home mom. Stop trying to minimise any mother’s experience. Regardless of if people chose to have kids or fell pregnant by accident all moms work hard they are all entitled to time to practice self care because they are still human at the end of the day. Yes I do take my kids out everyday and my kids are very happy, confident and well mannered because of it. If modern it is than modern I am :)

OP posts:

Lentilweaver · 10/01/2025 12:08

Is there a reason you cant go to Barcelona while he looks after the kids? Simple as that.

lolly792 · 10/01/2025 12:12

They're his kids too and it's ridiculous if he never even deals with them for a few minutes so you can shave your legs.

On the flip side, it sounds like you've allowed his work life to massively take priority over your own and even chosen to work for his business, presumably all for the financial advantages it brings. There are obviously tax benefits to you working for him.

What did you do career wise before children? Why did you not return to that after having your children?

I your position I would absolutely insist on equal shares of 'me time.' But the other side of that coin is he may then want a more equal partnership in terms of providing. It does seem tbh as though you enjoy the comfortable lifestyle he provides through his work and perhaps don't want that particular pressure yourself? I'm not saying looking after small kids isn't work - it can be relentless, but equally it doesn't have have the pressure of being the earner

Lentilweaver · 10/01/2025 12:18

Motherhood isnt a 24-7 job. And OP is providing childcare. She deserves a spa break or even a weekend
Whst rubbish responses. Is this Dadsnet?

Catza · 10/01/2025 12:26

MoonHavana · 10/01/2025 11:57

Do you work? Are you a stay at home mum? What do you expect being a mother? It is a 24/7 job? People choose to have children and then complain when they have to look after them. I am certain you can find minutes to relax for yourself, when they are sleeping? Or napping? Or are you one of these modern parents who are obliged to fill every waking hour of their children's day with some form of soft play, entertainment, outside play , and the rest of the kit and kaboodle that parents are expected to do to be 'a good parent'? Get them into a routine, make time for yourself and be pleased you can stay at home. Many of us can't and have to run ourselves ragged trying to keep heart and soul together.

You seem to fail to consider that OP is not a single mother. She has another "parent" in the house who, for some reason, is not expected to run ragged and fit in parenting around work responsibilities. So it very much shouldn't be 24/7, it should be 12/3,5 which is not what OP is currently experiencing.
If her partner has a 10h working day and OP has 10h to look after the children, it is not unreasonable to expect that the rest of the childcare and downtime is shared equally.

Emilianoo · 10/01/2025 13:01

Lentilweaver · 10/01/2025 12:08

Is there a reason you cant go to Barcelona while he looks after the kids? Simple as that.

Yeah this.

Emilianoo · 10/01/2025 13:02

MoonHavana · 10/01/2025 11:57

Do you work? Are you a stay at home mum? What do you expect being a mother? It is a 24/7 job? People choose to have children and then complain when they have to look after them. I am certain you can find minutes to relax for yourself, when they are sleeping? Or napping? Or are you one of these modern parents who are obliged to fill every waking hour of their children's day with some form of soft play, entertainment, outside play , and the rest of the kit and kaboodle that parents are expected to do to be 'a good parent'? Get them into a routine, make time for yourself and be pleased you can stay at home. Many of us can't and have to run ourselves ragged trying to keep heart and soul together.

What a stupid response.

catin8oots · 10/01/2025 13:05

Can't you shave your legs in the shower?