Was my friend being unreasonable about my trip location?

[cordiallyuninvited]

This happened over last summer however it has caused animosity between me and my friend and just an hour or so ago, she's brought it up with me.

We've been friends about ten years, similar lives, gel well-we don't live close now but make an effort to go and stay with one another a couple of times a year and talk often, confide in one another, we have a good friendship generally. We're both single women (now!).

I split with my partner a few months ago however over summer, my then DP had booked a trip for us. It was meant to be a surprise, I knew something was planned but I didn't know until the last minute what it was.

My friend doesn't/didn't like my DP. To be fair to friend, I split with partner over a lot of issues which I had confided in friend about sometimes. I am not sure if the split is relevant but as such It's my fault in essence that friend knew about these things, and why she didn't like DP. It took me a long time to confide, It's something I find quite difficult but then I did, and I didn't expect friend's reaction to be so extreme to a real avid dislike rather than just giving advice or empathy.

Anyway DP's planned trip turned out to be quite close to where friend lives. I hadn't planned for this, as it was a surprise.

Friend is still really annoyed with me about it. That I was 'in her neck of the woods with DP'.

She's also said 'what if we'd have bumped into one another'.

I realise it could've been somewhat awkward, but it was very unlikely that that would happen-friend lives about fifteen miles from where we were, doesn't drive and doesn't go out to different places a lot. There are touristy places and a beach, but they're not the ones friend would go to if she did decide to go to the beach and she doesn't frequent tourist-type places.

There is a town central to both places, where friend lives and that we visited. But I wasn't going to say to my friend 'Hey, don't go to X town on X day because me and DP might be there!' I am not the day trip police.

I don't think I could've said to DP either 'We can't go there for our trip! Friend lives there and she'll be annoyed!'

How would you have navigated this?

I don't feel I did wrong but maybe I did and should sympathise with friend a bit more now?

Shes being a bit silly. . It was a weekend away with your dp, not a visiting trip.

What exactly were your issues with your DP? If he's as horrible as your friend thinks then the real issue is why you got back together with him (well I'm assuming you did as you went on the trip).

She sounds weird tbh, she doesn't own the town, she's not the Mayor of it is she?
What a ridiculous thing for her to get funny about, ignore her.

I can't see what you did wrong!

Your friend had taken a strong dislike to your ex, based on things you confided to her. That isn't unreasonable as far as it goes.

But what would it have mattered if you had bumped into her? It wasn't her place to say anything to him.

It's nice that she took your concerns seriously and gave you an outlet, but beyond that she sounds a bit ...... over-invested..... unhinged?

Sorry, I didn't get back with DP, we split after the trip.

DP was quite emotionally cold, and had blown hot and cold over whether the relationship was going anywhere. Nothing on my terms, I had to be available but DP rarely was unless it suited, emotional abuse some would say? That sort of thing.

I think my senses are also telling me that, about the over investment.

I'd have not thought much of it if we'd have bumped into one another. Probably said a cheery hello, asked what she was up to, if she wanted to come for a drink/walk with us kind of thing-friend probably wouldn't have wanted to though which is understandable.

Maybe she thinks it would have been awful for her to be put in such a position? I don't know-brainstorming now!

She’s being ridiculous, and creating drama where there shouldn’t be any. I’d cool the friendship if I were you, she sounds like “hard work”

Okay, thank you for the perspectives. I just cannot imagine myself ever reacting like this if it were the other way around.

A. She did not respond to you sharing personal issues, which were difficult for you to share, in a way that was supportive of you or useful to you

B. She seems to want you to feel bad about going on a trip that you had no control over arranging, and which had absolutely no impact on her, or indeed, anything to do with her.

Dies her friendship add value to your life in other ways? That’s the question I’d be asking myself.

She seems to be making drama from nothing and trying to make herself the focus of your previous relationship. I’d be wary of confiding in someone so odd - make new friends!

Thank you to the last two posters. I can find this type of thing very awkward as I try to see things from the other person's perspective but this one had me confused.

I will have a think about things regarding the friendship.

She sounds controlling, judgy and very unsupportive.

I get that she might dislike your ex based on what you told her, but it doesn’t sound like she was being supportive. I actually think she sounds very similar to him, as she is also emotionally abusive.

She is being ridiculous for (still) being angry at you for going on a trip near her.
First of all, you were not the person who booked it (so why on Earth is she holding the trip against you?) but more importantly she doesn’t have a right to dictate where you can and can’t go.

She is basically punishing you for your ex’s decision.

She is totally out of line for this. She also has no right to be punishing anyone (you OR your ex). It wasn’t her relationship.

Sorry op, she doesn’t sound like a friend at all. She sounds like someone you should avoid. Gently op, do you have few friends or
have any experience with supportive, non judgemental friendships? It sounds like you may have always had shitty friends. What positives does she actually bring to your friendship?

Was she having an affair with your DP?

She sounds as bad as the ex you split up with. Perhaps she should be put in that same category and become an ex-friend rather than friend.

I have been thinking about this friendship a lot lately.

I agree she can be controlling, I have other examples.

We met as part of a group activity but when the group dispersed and I moved away and meetups weren't as frequent and eventually dwindled, she kept msging me to keep in touch. I wasn't very interested, but was happy to have a chat with her and talk about one another's days and things such as that (when there was time) but she really wanted to come and stay with me. I let her, and shje didn't leave when she said she would-not a huge thing but caused me a lot of stress, I didn't feel I knew her very well and felt a bit awkward having her there anyway, let alone for longer than I had agreed. Sorry, I didn't intend to drip-feed!

Just didn't think that relevant to this one particular situation.

And I have other examples-but up until recently I've not thought of her as controlling at all. I have an event to go to with her soon, but after that I think I am going to back off from the friendship.

Genuinely wondered if I was being unreasonable about this trip though. She lives in quite a touristy place, lots of people visit there all the time, it isn't as if ex DP decided to visit an obscure-non-tourist-y town which would've maybe not made sense or been an odd thing to do-it is a seaside resort with beautiful countryside and a lot of history-and we weren't in her town, just the same county and fairly close to it.

I do have a lot of friends! None who are demanding or anything like this one.

SHE however only has me and one other friend (who I've met a few times and seems nice enough, but I don't know her well).

I have insecurities and self-doubt a lot though.

I am also a bit of a loner in that I am happy with my own company most of the time. If I want company I will go and get it, I don't like being pressured into it however. I've never been one to have a group of 'the girls' or anything such as that, always done my own thing. And I am fairly happy with that-I think this friend would like to spend every weekend with me however. I am not saying either of us is right or wrong with that, just different.

As far as I know, they never met!

She sounds awful. I think you should back away from her, you're not her property.

No wonder she doesn't really have anyone else!
Honestly just get bloody exasperated with her. You can't really be arsed with her anyway so your tone needs to be one of, 'Why are you still banging on about this? I didn't organise the trip, we didn't bump into you and the world still turns. It's a total non-issue, I'm not going to apologise for it and I don't want to talk about it anymore.' She seems to think she can speak down to you and you're letting her. If she takes the hump then 🤷‍♀️ - her loss.

Although how you describe the friendship in your first post is very different to later ones!

I am confused - she is throwing a tantrum because you and your ex-partner holidayed in her location?

She sounds very immature

Yes, she really wasn't/isn't happy about it.

I honestly have just been thinking about it a lot in the past few days!
I am on a bit of a 'journey' anyway after my break up with DP, questioning why I let DP walk all over me as much as I did, and upon reflection, I have also done it in this friendship.

I will take some control back and as you have said, if she brings it up again 'FFS people can go on trips where they want?! I didn't bother you while I was there!'

Like a 'normal' person would I suppose.