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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s unfair to criticise me for moaning?

34 replies

Vestre · 09/01/2025 18:56

I’m 20 and in a very good RG uni having done excellently in my A Levels.

i didn’t want to go to this uni - I wanted to go in my home city but felt obliged to go to the other more academic one I’m in now, which is the one my abusive mum wanted me to go to and I’m scared of her reaction if I defy her

my mum hates my boyfriend who lives in my home city - this is another reason I think she wanted me to go to my current more academic uni in another city

when I came home over Xmas I expressed I didn’t like my uni to my mum she said

”I don’t want moaning!”

im 20 yo ffs!!!! I hate my uni and am counting down the days til I can leave. It’s shit - I only went to this uni to please my mum NOT because I wanted to go and now I’m being criticised for moaning about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:33

OneOfTheTwo · 09/01/2025 19:30

Are you not entitled to student loan if you move out? Switch unis, apply for halls, apply for a student loan, get a part time job.

Thank you - good, practical advice

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 09/01/2025 19:39

Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:13

I told my mum I’d stayed overnight with my boyfriend at his nan’d house recently- and she went ballistic !

but thanks for your response - sensible advice

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You're welcome - sounds like there are things you just don't need to share with her if she can't have a reasoned and rational response to the information?

Sorry she's making things difficult - I wish you all the luck in making the right decision for you.

pikkumyy77 · 09/01/2025 19:40

Don’t blow up your education and financial future to get away from your mother right now. Just grey rock her. Frankly:staying 40 miles away from home in your university sounds more sensible than moving home to be more under her thumb. Just stay put, work hard to make connections/get a part time job in the university town, arrange not to come home for the various term breaks by being able to say you have been hired to work on a project or have a job that means you can’t come home. You will have more options than s factory job, one hopes, if you stick it out snd have good internships or connections through university in a few years.

toomuchfaff · 09/01/2025 19:58

Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:17

You make some very good comments here, so thank you

but - I’m not economically independent

my mums threatened to throw me out on the streets before as well as kill herself if something happens that’s not to her liking

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So, as for economic independence, that's for you to sort, if you're dependant on someone, you're beholden to them to some extent, but you can break free, it may mean you have less or need to cut back? However, that doesn't mean you should accept manipulative tactics such as threatening suicide. There are some good advice sources for when people use these tactics, search on Google, ticktoc, don't accept manipulation. Your life is your life. She only has as much control of it because you let her.

Nextyearhopes · 09/01/2025 20:04

Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:18

Cos my mum treats me like a child and I’m DESPERATE to be financially independent

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I meant about uni. Why is it shit?

Original poster
Vestre · 09/01/2025 20:39

Nextyearhopes · 09/01/2025 20:04

I meant about uni. Why is it shit?

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It’s not - in itself - to be fair

OP posts:
Nextyearhopes · 09/01/2025 21:13

Vestre · 09/01/2025 20:39

It’s not - in itself - to be fair

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So what’s the problem? Uni is not too bad, you’re away from home…

Original poster
Vestre · 09/01/2025 22:03

VoltaireMittyDream · 09/01/2025 19:03

Unfortunately, if your mother is abusive (a) complaining to her isn’t ever likely to be met with sympathy (b) she’s going to criticise.

It sucks, but this is the dynamic you’re in. You can’t change her, you can only try to protect yourself. If you need to vent, find a more sympathetic person to vent to. It will just lead to more heartache trying to get from your mum what she can’t give.

I’m sorry that you are in this situation.

Thank you you’re right

OP posts:
Original poster
Vestre · 09/01/2025 22:04

toomuchfaff · 09/01/2025 19:58

So, as for economic independence, that's for you to sort, if you're dependant on someone, you're beholden to them to some extent, but you can break free, it may mean you have less or need to cut back? However, that doesn't mean you should accept manipulative tactics such as threatening suicide. There are some good advice sources for when people use these tactics, search on Google, ticktoc, don't accept manipulation. Your life is your life. She only has as much control of it because you let her.

Show quote history

Thank you - so true

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