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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DSS is scared of his teacher

52 replies

Vari757 · 09/01/2025 16:08

Just looking on some advice on the best way to approach this.
My DSS is 8 and he has expressed a few times that he doesn't like his teacher since he started in his new class but ever since Christmas break he has been saying that he is scared of her because she shouts so much and he now doesn't want to go and crying before he goes in.

I've tried to get some more detail on why he doesn't like her or why he thinks she's scary but he just says he doesn't know.

I've spoken to his dad (my DH) and told him I think he should contact the school but we don't have any specifics in order to make a complaint or start any kind of discussion.

What do people think the next steps should be

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 10/01/2025 05:42

hideawayforever · 09/01/2025 23:25

No, this is the arse hole comment of the day. you sound like a bully.

@ReturnOfTheMakkaPakka is probably only a bully here though. He’s very likely an obsequious little turd who wouldn’t say boo to a goose in real life

Flipslop · 10/01/2025 05:48

VodkaCola · 09/01/2025 16:08

Leave it to his parents.

She is his parent

Flipslop · 10/01/2025 05:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Toxic AF, I hope you’re not raising boys

ReturnOfTheMakkaPakka · 10/01/2025 06:10

Flipslop · 10/01/2025 05:49

Toxic AF, I hope you’re not raising boys

Thankfully not! Blessed with girls 🥰

ReturnOfTheMakkaPakka · 10/01/2025 06:15

Lurkingandlearning · 10/01/2025 05:42

@ReturnOfTheMakkaPakka is probably only a bully here though. He’s very likely an obsequious little turd who wouldn’t say boo to a goose in real life

Actually not - and my pronouns and she/her.

My primary school was very rough and tumble, even violent, but in a character building way. Boys and girls getting involved.

I just find the current crop of melty boys hard to take. How will they cope with adulting? Many do not, as evidenced by the thread on here a couple of weeks ago about adult sons/brothers checking out of life and staying in their rooms gaming.

Nevertoocoldforicecream · 10/01/2025 06:16

I would approach the class teacher first, but I'd focus on just asking how he's settled back in and mentioning that he seems a bit nervous before school at the moment. After that I'd see how it goes for a but and if things settle or need to ve sorted further up.

christmaslatte · 10/01/2025 06:25

DS was bullied by a teacher. I regret that we were slow to act as by the time I really got the measure of this woman, she'd really done some damage to DS.

If I could go back in time, I would have gone into talk to her much sooner. It didn't change anything as she fobbed us off, but it was the beginning of a process by which we eventually came to understand the extent of what she was doing.

I would also talk to other parents and ask them what their DC's experiences are. This was partly how I found out that she really was picking on my DS and his best friend specifically - other DC were able to provide and outside perspective and backup what DS was saying so it became clear that she was someone who had favourites and DC she hated and simply bullied them in front of everyone.

And I would really listen to DS and take him seriously. And escalated it as soon as it became clear nothing was changing.

She's left teaching now thank goodness, but by the time we realised the extent of what was going on and that she was lying to us, the school year was nearly over. If I'd found out earlier I would have moved DS, it was that bad.

Sugargliderwombat · 10/01/2025 06:27

This reply has been deleted

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I'm a teacher and have worked with other teachers who scream and shout and belittle young children. Shit teachers exist. OP I'd follow the advice of speaking to her about him being anxious. Is he actually getting into trouble himself or is it those around him / whole class?

colinshmolin · 10/01/2025 06:28

Id request a meeting with the teacher, explain he is anxious and struggling with school and ask what he is like in class and discuss strategies for calming him. If his teacher is uncooperative or it continues speak to head of year or head teacher about a class move.

Lurkingandlearning · 10/01/2025 06:49

ReturnOfTheMakkaPakka · 10/01/2025 06:15

Actually not - and my pronouns and she/her.

My primary school was very rough and tumble, even violent, but in a character building way. Boys and girls getting involved.

I just find the current crop of melty boys hard to take. How will they cope with adulting? Many do not, as evidenced by the thread on here a couple of weeks ago about adult sons/brothers checking out of life and staying in their rooms gaming.

I’m guessing that you think saying you were a violent child makes you sound “well ‘ard”. I think it makes you sound like a bit of a melt . Just my opinion

SwayzeM · 10/01/2025 06:52

It definitely needs addressing, but are you aware of any of his friends expressing that they have a problem with this teacher? Or is this a class where there are several very difficult children that she has been trying to control and is raising her voice due to group behaviour? Has he said some if the children don't behave at all?

Firstly you could try and support your dss by asking what she shouts about. Is it because some of the class don't listen etc. Then explain that when this happens she is shouting because of their behaviour and he hasn't done anything wrong, so the teacher isn't cross with him personally, just a group or individual in the class who isn't doing as they should. Can he have a process you set up with him, when she shouts he thinks did I do or not do whatever it is she is cross about? If I didn't then she isn't really cross with me. She's just unhappy that someone else or a group has behaved this way, so I can feel proud I haven't done anything wrong, and think about how well I'm doing in class instead.

Talk about the language she uses, if she ends turning it in to a generalisation odd "this class does xyz" or uses phrases like "you all" or "this class" when shouting, it's because she's frustrated, or because a lot of the class are being noisy for example, so she shouts for the whole class to be quiet, even though not everyone is being noisy. It's just telling the whole class what they should be doing because it would take too long to say all the names if the kids who are being disruptive. It isn't good that she's resorting to yelling a lot, but if he can start to rationalise it he may be able to cope better.

I also agree it needs an initial approach to the teacher to raise the fact that your dss is becoming anxious about school. Ask if the teacher has noticed anything and what the class dynamic is like. Is it a class that needs a lot of work to keep all the pupils behaving. If so would she confirm he behaves well and explain he can't seperate her trying to discipline those with behaviour issues with feeling that she is also angry with the whole class, so angry with him. That is making him worried about school, so is a mental health issue, and affects his ability to learn. Hopefully it will make her aware enough to try and moderate her style.

There have always been teachers who don't realise the effect of their behaviours. I remember my mum saying she had a teacher in secondary school who used to shout at the class and throw things. The pupils were so scared they were sat waiting for his next outburst, and found it impossible to learn from him. He was shocked when a group of them got up the courage to speak to him as a group about how their learning was being affected, and amazingly changed his behaviour.

Equally there are teachers who do know and are happy to try and subdue their pupils. I had a teacher when I was 5 who got me so convinced I was bad because I didn't fit her idea of what a girl should be interested in that I developed nervous tics and nightmares. Apparently my teacher, when my mum went and spoke to her, was quite comfortable saying my worries were down to her trying to push me in to her mould of what I should be like, which was not because I was misbehaving. I preferred going in the book corner during free play, not playing in the wendy house with the other girls, and apparently this wasn't normal.

Obviously these examples were decades ago, in the mid 50s and late 60s, but people, including teachers, haven't lost the potential to be a bad fit for their profession or to be bullies over the years, although they may not actually throw things nowadays, or be do overtly sexist.

ReturnOfTheMakkaPakka · 10/01/2025 11:52

Lurkingandlearning · 10/01/2025 06:49

I’m guessing that you think saying you were a violent child makes you sound “well ‘ard”. I think it makes you sound like a bit of a melt . Just my opinion

No, obviously it was a shitty school serving local shitty sink estates (the ones where Kidulthood was filmed) populated by shitty people. It went too far in one direction but today’s schools are going too far in the other.

Is the teacher shouting at him? Or other pupils? Or the class as a whole? The first makes him a naughty melt, the other two just make him a melt. It’s probably not even shouting but raised voices.

HarrietPierce · 10/01/2025 12:09

" The first makes him a naughty melt, the other two just make him a melt. "

Do you know how immature and foolish you sound?

ReturnOfTheMakkaPakka · 10/01/2025 12:40

HarrietPierce · 10/01/2025 12:09

" The first makes him a naughty melt, the other two just make him a melt. "

Do you know how immature and foolish you sound?

I just can’t imagine any 8 year old - whether girl or boy - crying, actual crying, because their teacher shouts. He sounds like he has severe anxiety issues and perhaps there’s something in his younger childhood, abuse, etc. that is causing him to react to a bit of discipline of the whole class.

macap · 10/01/2025 12:54

Not necessarily @ReturnOfTheMakkaPakka some children are just more sensitive to it.

I have heard teachers shout, let's not pretend they don't. I can imagine if it's relatively quiet and someone shouts loudly next to you unexpectedly it will give you a fright.

Stop calling kids melts. It makes you sound ridiculous.

ReturnOfTheMakkaPakka · 10/01/2025 13:05

macap · 10/01/2025 12:54

Not necessarily @ReturnOfTheMakkaPakka some children are just more sensitive to it.

I have heard teachers shout, let's not pretend they don't. I can imagine if it's relatively quiet and someone shouts loudly next to you unexpectedly it will give you a fright.

Stop calling kids melts. It makes you sound ridiculous.

Ok, fine.

But if my child was crying about a teacher shouting my concern would be for their mental stability and resilience rather than trying to silence the teacher.

Yes, some adults are bullies but I think it’s more likely she is trying to discipline the class or some errant pupils rather than shouting because she gets a kick out of it. Especially in today’s schools and given the general lack of decent parenting.

macap · 10/01/2025 13:11

And I get that, OP hasn't said she wants to go and have a pop at the teacher has she?

My DD was sensitive to her shouty teacher, I just tried to explain she needs to use her loud voice to get 30 odd kids to listen. It didn't stop her being sensitive to it tbh.

strawberrysea · 10/01/2025 13:11

VodkaCola · 09/01/2025 16:08

Leave it to his parents.

Sensing some projection here

Tia86 · 10/01/2025 15:24

Arrange a meeting with the teacher. Ask whether he struggles with noise in class (does he have ear defenders and is more sensitive?).
It would be unusual for them to be shouting all the time. Where I work it is rare for shouting to happen and the teacher then usually says they do not like using their shouty voice but had to (for whatever reason...class not listening, dangerous behaviour etc).

We did have a supply teacher who was rather shouty and as the office staff could hear them this raised concern. They were not invited back and other staff monitored the class for the rest of the day (walking past and checking all was ok).

I would try to find out whether there is any other reason but if it is the teacher they still have two terms with them so I would focus on having a positive relationship with them.

Worried8263839 · 10/01/2025 16:32

VodkaCola · 09/01/2025 16:08

Leave it to his parents.

Honestly, I don't know why we bother, classic example of how step mums can't ever do right by some

Chuchoter · 10/01/2025 17:06

I would initiate a conversation with one or some of the other parents to see what their child thinks of the teacher.

'How's Judy getting on in class? Does she like Miss Trunchbull?'

That might give you some idea if your child has taken exception to the teacher for personal reasons such as she told him off once and now he hates her! Or if Judy says the teacher is horrible then you could investigate a bit further with the school.

RoundSquareWithTriangles · 21/01/2025 11:24

Did you manage to sort this, op?

Hope your DSS is OK now.

Willwetalk · 27/02/2025 16:46

VodkaCola · 09/01/2025 16:08

Leave it to his parents.

His dad?

JohnTheRevelator · 27/02/2025 17:00

Do you speak to any of the other parents of children in his class? Have they said anything similar?

StrawberryDream24 · 27/02/2025 17:18

HarrietPierce · 10/01/2025 12:09

" The first makes him a naughty melt, the other two just make him a melt. "

Do you know how immature and foolish you sound?

Definitely a bit of trolling going on there.

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