Would you be annoyed if DF sent gifts to one child and not another?

[ThisisnotwhatIhadplanned]

I have a strained relationship with my DF. I have a 13 year age gap between my children. He has met eldest dd a lot, but has only met youngest twice, once at 3 months old and again at 1 year old. She had a lot of medical issues when younger including a suspected brain tumour, and he hung up on me when I called him from the hospital saying that she was having an emergency CT scan and didn’t speak to me again for 6 months. Eldest is now 21, youngest is 7.

He sent Christmas cards at Christmas and transferred some cash so that we could have a family trip to the cinema, so we went and I sent pics of us enjoying it. Dd (21) hasn’t opened her card yet, so I opened it for her today as I am clearing away Christmas stuff. There was £40 in it. Dd(7)’s was just a card. Definitely not a mix up of putting both notes in one card, as he always signs off texts and calls with “Love to dd1” and no mention of dd2. He will also gift dd1 money or presents up to about £150 for birthdays. Dd2 got colouring book this year.

He has always been very distanced from me (he left my dm for his secretary when I was 6 months old) and sent birthday and Christmas presents and paid child maintenance to dm, but that was the extent of his parenting. I am his only child.

I always hide this from dd2, but I am so hurt by it. It feels like he is rejecting her the way he rejected me. He gushes about dd1. Can anyone shed any light on why he is behaving like this?

I voted YANBU because your feelings on this are completely understandable.

However I do think you’d be unreasonable to let this continue. You owe your dad nothing and your daughters everything a good mum can offer them, which includes protection from a shitty granddad.

To an extent, the sort of present that makes a difference to a child is very different at different ages. A 3 year old will be as thrilled with a colouring book as a 15 year old is with £40. Perhaps a colouring book is getting a bit "young" for a 7 year old, but that could just be him not really being in touch with what children that age are like.
What sort of thing did he give DD1 when she was little?

It does sound like he's managed to develop a relationship with DD1, but not DD2. Is he resistant to suggestions to remedy that - invites to a day out with DD2, or things like that? If he's not good with little ones, he may have been not that interested while she was little, but maybe you can encourage him to start to get to know her now.

Thank you both, you have both hit the nail
on the head. I need to find some communality between him and dd2, and hopefully the relationship will improve. I don’t really want to remove the relationship between him and dd1, but I don’t want dd2 to suffer because of it.

I'd definitely call him out over this, treat them both the same. Be prepared for the worst

He has (probably rightly) called that your eldest needs more support. Your youngest doesn't need 40quid and more stuff - your youngest has you. Your eldest is an adult now, over the age many parents release themselves from responsibility to act out their love or care for them (i.e charging them rent, expecting them to get a job and their own place, paying their own bills) and as such, money and gifts are actually useful rather than tokens.

I don't see why it should change. Your youngest isn't paying rent and bills or buying their own clothes or food or organising their own leisure time or entertainment. Your eldest is, so grandpa gave her money to help whilst you're caught up with the baby of the family.

I'm not sure why you want a relationship with him. He was a shitty father and is a shitty grandfather to your younger child. As your older daughter is 21, it's up to her whether she has a relationship with him, but don't facilitate it. He isn't a very nice man at all. What sort of grandfather (or human being) hangs up the phone when his daughter is telling him that her baby is seriously ill in hospital? He is a disgrace.

It sounds to me that he has never really been a father or grandfather and if you do want that sort of relationship with him you need to try and involve him in your life more. Given the age gap I don't think dd2 will notice the difference in treatment. Does she have other involved grandparents?

Gross apologist for shitty old male behaviour.

DD1 doesn't seem too interested if she couldn't be bothered to open his card

Isn't it possible that he thinks that colouring books are more appropriate for a 7 year old than money?

I thought that too. I wonder how DD1 sees their relationship if she can't be bothered to open a card from him.