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AIBU?

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Original poster

On a relationship break

9 replies

pathologicalpeoplepleaserr · 09/01/2025 10:11

I ended things with DP about 6 weeks ago and arranged somewhere else to live. Prior to moving out we had a heart to heart and admitted we loved each other but things just weren't working. We decided we wanted to work on things rather than break up but I decided to continue to move out as I couldn't see how things would change without actually forcing us to. There were multiple issues but at the crux of it,

  • we had been together for 6 years and not engaged which is important to me. He's said he wants to marry but relationship needs to be happy which I agree
  • we had gotten into a habit of drinking too much on the weekends. I had been suffering from constant anxiety about our relationship but I realise that alcohol has been making it worse. I have stopped drinking since moving out and he is also hugely reducing this. I had been using the unhappy relationship as an excuse.
  • we were resentful and did not appreciate each other. Communication had broken down. We were both snapping at each other a lot.
  • I had been comparing my life to others too much

Things feel a lot more positive after a month of living apart and we feel like friends again. We haven't been drinking in each others company and doing more wholesome things. We are making an effort to communicate what we both need etc. I am hoping to give things another 2 months before moving back in if things continue on this trajectory. Does this sound reasonable timeframe? Do you think it's possible to reconcile after things being so broken one of you moved out?

OP posts:
Original poster
pathologicalpeoplepleaserr · 09/01/2025 10:39

Bump

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 09/01/2025 10:41

I think it’s possible, but only if both people truly want to AND if both people are willing & committed to actively making changes. So the alcohol thing is great, but if you’re going to start drinking together again in the house once you move back in then it’s just going to go back to the way it was. The communication thing is great, if you can keep it up, but if once you move back in everyone relaxes a bit again then that will slip. It would take a lot of effort on all sides and only time can tell really whether that is the case.

If I was you I’d ditch the timeframes for now and just see how things go more long term separately because you won’t get a true reflection for much longer. I could tell my husband I’d give up chocolate forever and for 1 month or even 3 I probably could, but for 6 I probably couldn’t, short term change is easy, long term consistent change is hard. Don’t move back in until you have seen that long term change.

Original poster
pathologicalpeoplepleaserr · 09/01/2025 11:12

Mrsttcno1 · 09/01/2025 10:41

I think it’s possible, but only if both people truly want to AND if both people are willing & committed to actively making changes. So the alcohol thing is great, but if you’re going to start drinking together again in the house once you move back in then it’s just going to go back to the way it was. The communication thing is great, if you can keep it up, but if once you move back in everyone relaxes a bit again then that will slip. It would take a lot of effort on all sides and only time can tell really whether that is the case.

If I was you I’d ditch the timeframes for now and just see how things go more long term separately because you won’t get a true reflection for much longer. I could tell my husband I’d give up chocolate forever and for 1 month or even 3 I probably could, but for 6 I probably couldn’t, short term change is easy, long term consistent change is hard. Don’t move back in until you have seen that long term change.

Thanks, really good point as that's my worry is we just revert to the old habits. I feel we are both committed to working on things and hopefully that lasts but totally agree it takes longer than a month for lasting change

OP posts:
Winenot1 · 09/01/2025 16:04

I think as long as you both work hard to keep these changes in place and both really care about the future of your relationship then yes. I would say 3 months or so is a good amount of time as I would think you might run the risk of drifting apart if it goes on for longer like 6+ months. But I do agree with PP that you need to make sure the changes with alcohol can actually be sustained and not just fall back into old habits

username299 · 09/01/2025 16:33

No. First of all I think he's giving you the runaround regarding marriage and you either want to get married or you don't.

You're constantly anxious about the relationship. Either he's making you anxious or you have an anxiety problem and if you do, you'll continue to be anxious unless you get help. If he's making you anxious there's a reason.

You don't appreciate each other. How was he around the house? If he expected you to do all the drudge work work he doesn't respect you.

You're snapping at each other because you can't communicate effectively and issues aren't getting resolved. Find someone who can communicate as that's the basis of a good relationship alongside respect.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/01/2025 17:25

username299 · 09/01/2025 16:33

No. First of all I think he's giving you the runaround regarding marriage and you either want to get married or you don't.

You're constantly anxious about the relationship. Either he's making you anxious or you have an anxiety problem and if you do, you'll continue to be anxious unless you get help. If he's making you anxious there's a reason.

You don't appreciate each other. How was he around the house? If he expected you to do all the drudge work work he doesn't respect you.

You're snapping at each other because you can't communicate effectively and issues aren't getting resolved. Find someone who can communicate as that's the basis of a good relationship alongside respect.

I disagree with the marriage point. Wanting to get married & wanting to get married TO this person are different.

I always knew I wanted to get married, but if my relationship was full of alcohol, arguments and to the extent of my partner moving out, I certainly wouldn’t be in a hurry to marry that person and that’s absolutely fair.

username299 · 09/01/2025 17:37

Mrsttcno1 · 09/01/2025 17:25

I disagree with the marriage point. Wanting to get married & wanting to get married TO this person are different.

I always knew I wanted to get married, but if my relationship was full of alcohol, arguments and to the extent of my partner moving out, I certainly wouldn’t be in a hurry to marry that person and that’s absolutely fair.

Show quote history

I'm obviously talking about the relationship presented in the OP.

Sidge · 09/01/2025 17:39

It shouldn’t be this difficult.

Basketballhoop · 09/01/2025 17:47

I separated from my husband for a year. His choice. We barely spoke in that time. Worked on ourselves. Then we started dating again. He moved home a few months later. Neither of us want to go back through that again, so we are conscious about our relationship and fixing things as they happen. No more letting resentment build.

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