I can't tell this story without laughing. Relevant to the story is the fact I have very bad eyesight. And at the best of times I walk round daydreaming in a world of my own.
For a few months one winter I'd been woken up regularly by a faint banging/thumping noise during bad weather. I'd assumed it was either a stray or loose aerial cable slapping against the wall next door, or maybe a meter cupboard door over the road that has come loose and was banging to and fro in bad weather. It was only really an issue in the wee small hours when it woke me up, and I would be so unbelievably shattered I'd eventually drop off back to sleep and forget out it when day dawned, until the next time I was woken up in a storm by the same thump thump thump. I was always lying in bed completely shattered and exhausted, but too tired to find the actual cause at the time, and silently cursing my neighbours for not fixing whatever was banging on their property. Obviously just totally irresponsible idiots with so little regard for others!
It was about April time, and England were playing in the EUROs or it was Royal Wedding, or Eurovision, or some such event and I've decided to hang Union Jack bunting out of my bedroom window. And as I pull the blinds up I can see something wet splattered against the glass outside. Had NO idea what it could be but it looks like damp paper or a carrier bag plastered on the outside. I just assume it's blown up high in a storm and stuck there in the rain. As I open the window I realised it's a Tesco carrier bag, but its secured by its handle being round the window catch on the inside of the window. 🤔 So I lean out and peel the bag off the outside of the window and pull it inside, and inside is....one single pork pie. I have NO idea how it got there, and obviously its been done from inside as the bag was secured outside hanging off the catch on the inside. Totally baffled by this. How the hell has it got there?! Inside the bag is also a receipt, dated late one Saturday night in December, 4 months earlier.
At this point bits started coming back to me like little fragments of a dream. I had vague recollections of buying a pack of 4 mini pork pies on the way home from my works Christmas do (don't judge me, I'm Northern, this is what we do) and vague recollections of lying in bed eating them (I SAID DON'T JUDGE ME!). Now I don't usually drink (probably better that way!) but I've obviously eaten 3 of the pork pies and then in my very very drunken state decided it was too much, and I couldn't manage the 4th. But man they were AMAZING pork pies and (very slight woolly recollection of this thought going through my head) I was too tired to walk downstairs and put the remaining pork pie in the fridge, but it was so nice it must be saved at all costs, and I couldn't possibly risk it going off when the central heating clicked on next morning. Now I can't remember ANY of this next bit, (it's purely deduction that has lead me to this conclusion) but my Mum used to tell me that when she was at Nottingham Uni back in the late 60s in their halls of residence they'd each put their milk bottles outside on the windowsill in winter, to save them being stolen from the communal fridge. So I can only conclude in my very drunken state I've just suddenly remembered my Mothers advice and used the same theory to keep my precious remaining pork pie chilled. Only I've woken up next morning with no recollection whatsoever, and never even crossing my mind that the thump thump thump waking me up every time the wind blew might be a pork pie in a carrier bag bouncing off my bedroom window.
It was hanging there FOUR MONTHS. And it was PERFECT. No mold. Didn't look off. Didn't smell off. Not even a bit. Just looked like a normal perfect pork pie. Still chilled. I wished I could, but I didn't dare try eating a four month old pork pie - even I have my limits!! How the hell I'd never noticed it hanging there on my way up my garden path every day I have NO idea, and why none of my neighbours had asked about it I don't know. But the thump thump thump during anything above a breeze stopped, and I finally slept soundly again during storms. 👍🏻
Moral of this story is.....you don't need a fridge.