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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my CM to bring up the subject of bombs and drugs with my 6 year old DS

24 replies

Notalone · 04/05/2008 10:21

My childminder is lovely in all other respects, and I am dreading having to have words, so am wondering what your opinions are on this and how I should broach the conversation I need to have with her.

DS asked her last week why the lights in Victoria station food court are UV and she told him its because people go in there to take drugs. Also we are having a day out in London next month which DS and I have both been really looking forward to. CM tells him she is too scared to go to London because people put bombs on the trains. Luckily DS was not scared and just said that if a bomb was on his train he would throw it out of the window, but she could have ruined our day out and traumatised DS about the tubes. Why would you volunteer such information without being asked? What would have been wrong with saying they had run out of proper light bulbs and how lovely he is going to London. Ds is now going around asking people if they take drugs and I am just at the whole thing as I feel a little bit of his innocence has gone now. Maybe that is a bit overdramatic but this is how I feel at present.

What would you do and say?

OP posts:

juuule · 04/05/2008 10:25

I'd just tell her you think it's inappropriate for her to be telling him these things and if he asks to note it down and tell you and you can speak to him about it.

mrsflowerpot · 04/05/2008 10:26

Well the drugs thing, he asked her a question and she answered it. DS is 7 and he asked me about drugs last week because he saw something about sniffer dogs, so I told him in very simple terms what I needed to to answer his question. So I don't think she was totally out of order on that one. But I appreciate that it's different in that he's my child and I was able to answer in a way that I knew he would understand and that I was happy with.

The not going to London thing because of bombs is mad, though, why on earth would you put that thought in a 6 year old's head?

dividedself · 04/05/2008 10:26

I suppose it's your child so you have every right to 'keep him as innocent as you wish' but personally I like a bit of reality for my own dc so wouldn't have a problem with the drugs bit. However, the bomb thing is rather insensitive of her in the same way that we try not to pass on our fears of spiders,etc. to our children - same goes for her London phobia! I'm surprised at this.

Saying they'd run out of proper lightbulbs would have been a lie. Children deal with truth best,sensitively put of course but they really don't need whopping great fibbers anymore than they do bomb-phobic quivering childminders.

alfiesbabe · 04/05/2008 10:30

The drugs thing was a response to a question from a clearly bright 6 year old who has an inquisitive nature. I think it's the right thing to do, to respond accurately and honestly in this situation. The bomb thing is inappropriate because it's more about the CMs own opinions and fears rather than giving an objective answer.

juuule · 04/05/2008 10:31

Surely it's not a case of keeping her ds innocent. For me it would be more that it's possibly sensitive subjects and I would be more attuned to how to tell my own children than some childminders would be. I would prefer to give that information myself to my 6yo. I would then be in a position to watch their response and act accordingly.

dividedself · 04/05/2008 10:34

juule,the op mentioned keeping ds innocent.

juuule · 04/05/2008 10:36

Oh, missed that. In that case I'd say that if he is asking these questions then he needs truthful answers. However, if one of mine had asked that question I wouldn't have known the answer What has uv got to do with drugs?

dividedself · 04/05/2008 10:43

The UV shows up traces of Cocaine I think - maybe other drugs too, I'm not sure.

We can only be as honest as our knowledge allows can't we? I struggle with mortality questions because the answers just don't exist but if I know about something then I'm truthful even if the truth isn't that palatable. I just limit the detail according to what I think the children can cope with.

Not everyone is okay with this and I can see the pov about preserving innocence - children have to deal with many negativities of our society on a daily basis as it is. However, I figure if they are aware enough to ask then they are ready to know.

Original poster

Notalone · 04/05/2008 10:49

I wouldn't have minded if he had asked her about drugs but he asked her about lights. I always respond to any of DS's questions with complete honesty and we are having the sex conversation at the moment fully instigated by him. However, I don't think she should have brought up the subject entirely off her own back. I think a 6 year old is too young to know about drugs(other than not to touch needles and not to take any strange medicines) and she could have answered the UV question with something else imo. We all tell little white lies to our kids to make their childhood more interesting eg tooth fairy, Santa Claus etc. Maybe I am trying to shelter DS too much but do or did your DC's at 6 know about drugs?

As for the bombs - I just don't think it was necessary for her to mention it and am glad I am NBU re this!

OP posts:

mindalina · 04/05/2008 10:57

Off-topic slightly, but the UV light prevents users from being able to see their veins, so they can't inject drugs in the toilets.

Sorry have no useful advice for OP

mindalina · 04/05/2008 10:57

Off-topic slightly, but the UV light prevents users from being able to see their veins, so they can't inject drugs in the toilets.

Sorry have no useful advice for OP

dividedself · 04/05/2008 11:00

Eww, I like my 'wrong' explanation better?!

Disclaimer is as follows "I don't know darling, I think it's because..."

My parents would have struggled as they always sent us off to enquire of Encyclopedia Britanicca" Don't think that was in there...

mindalina · 04/05/2008 11:02

I know, it's grim isn't it? And I don't think your explanation is wrong btw - I think the UV light can show up traces of drugs - just that there is another, even lovelier reason as well.

bergentulip · 04/05/2008 11:17

...or, don't just leave the answer at 'so people don't take drugs' but explain that there are a small amount of people that take drugs that they shouldn't and these lights stop them from doing that'....'people don't take about it much because it's not very nice'....
or something.

That would stop your little one asking everyone he meets if they take drugs. (!)

And if your CM is scared to go to London because of bombs, then you may as well not go to any large city throughout the known world! Wow, she must lead an exciting life.....

bergentulip · 04/05/2008 11:18

take talk

chefswife · 04/05/2008 11:32

I?m curious to know how does a 6 year old understand that the lights, in fact, were UV without being instigated by someone on the topic. How did that come about?

Bombs? it?s been a while since there was bombs on the tube. Fear mongering CM you have. Makes you wonder what else she?s been saying? not to make you paranoid, just something I would ask myself.

bergentulip · 04/05/2008 11:49

Maybe they go on family trips out to the local sunbed studio...

Original poster

Notalone · 04/05/2008 12:16

Yes Bergentulip - that is what I have said as a follow up to that conversation he had with the CM. I just wish I had not had to have the conversation at all at this age. DS lives in a world of Spiderman and superhero's at the moment, and good for him! He has the rest of his life to know about drugs etc.

From what I can gather he told the CM the lights were purple and made his skin turn a funny colour, and she picked up the rest of the conversation from there.

Thank god the bomb topic hasn't put DS off trains!

So, shall I follow Juules suggestion when I say something? And do most 6 year olds really know about drugs? I always thought we would discuss this at about 10 or 11

OP posts:

dividedself · 04/05/2008 12:46

My dc know about drugs in the sense that drugs are Calpol and illegal substances and paracetamol and banana antibiotics. They show little interest in the illegal substances side of things because it has no tangible meaning for them, iyswim. However, they do talk about being drunk sometimes and have some idea what that is in a primitive sort of way. They are 8, 6 and 4.

chefswife · 04/05/2008 17:01

Sorry notalone. I thought he was asking about UV lighting but he just noticed that it made his skin funny. Observant child.

Original poster

Notalone · 04/05/2008 20:22

Thats ok Chefswife!

dividedself - yes DS also knows about being drunk but he has come across this before when we have had a meal at a Brewsters etc and people have been drunk there. He also know about Calpol etc and not taking too much but not about illegal substances. I am hoping he will forget about drugs for now anyway fingers crossed

OP posts:

looneytune · 04/05/2008 20:35

I'm a CM myself and think she was definitely wrong to mention the bombs and her fear etc, totally inappropriate. As for the UV lights.....tbh, as much as I tell my ds (just turned 5) how things are usually without lying, I would never feel it right to make a decision like this for other children. I personally would probably have said 'I'm not sure actually, maybe see if mummy or daddy know'.

I am currently pregnant with my second and my 4 year old mindee has been obsessed with babies since I've had a bump and she's known about it (now wants to be a midwife, bless her). In the early days she asked me how babies got in there and I said 'oh, I think that would be a good question for you to ask mummy and daddy' and that was that. Ds asked me when he was 3/4 and I told him straight, exact details and then he went on to talk about normal everyday stuff. BUT....how am I to know what would be right to say to my mindee? For all I know, her parents may want to use the stalk story?! Really wasn't my place to answer (unless they asked me to next time she asked me).

YANBU

scanner · 04/05/2008 20:43

My dc's don't know about drugs, the oldest is 8 and I really don't think she needs to know about this yet. We live in an area where drugs are not an issue, if we lived elsewhere perhaps it would be necessary to bring it up, but I'd like them to be as innocent as poss for as long as possible.

cory · 05/05/2008 12:37

My dc's certainly knew about bombs at that age, not through CM, but through other children talking at school, lots of talk around 7/11, that sort of thing. Also, we travel quite a bit by air and they've noticed how you're not allowed to bring certain things on the plane, your shoes are searched etc.

I've found it perfectly possible to explain these things without scaring them. As in, yes these things happened and it's terribly sad, but the people who did them have been sent to prison and now they have these special ways of protecting them so it won't happen again.

They also know about drugs, but not as something that really touches their lives. It's just that when they've heard something and come to me about it, I've tried to explain to the best of my ability, as something very sad that a few people do because they don't understand better and that can make them really ill.

The one thing I really have regretted was when ds found out by accident that his beloved swimming instructor had been murdered by her boyfriend. That was hard, and he needed a lot of talking and support from me to make sense of the world after a shock like that.

On the other hand, when a friend of ours committed suicide due to mental health problems, I took the deliberate decision to explain it to dd so that she could grieve and not be troubled by hints and whispers that she only half understood.

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