Navigating the sex talk with DD15

[Champagnetastelemonadecash]

Hello,

I’ve NC for this…..

I have a DD15 (year 11) and she has a BF of about 18 months.

We’ve had talks obvs about sex safety and I’ve always tried to be approachable if my children have any questions or anything.

Recently, she has been telling me about sexual acts people her age are getting up to (nothing confidential) but she’s not open if I ask anything in reference to her. I have said things before like there’s nothing to be embarrassed about and that sex is a normal part of life when you’re mature enough etc. She responds like this 🤢🤮 which I do get!

My question is how much is she entitled to privacy and how much ‘should’ I ask if anything…… I guess I only really need to know from a safety point of view?

Until she was telling me about the people her age I didn’t think she had had intercourse but it’s got me thinking because the things she was telling me was quite shocking for the ages but maybe I’m a prude!

Thanks for reading.

I would hazard a guess that some of the ‘extreme’ things her friends are saying they have done are all a but exaggerated or all in their head. Usually those talking/bragging about it are the ones who aren’t actually doing it!

However she needs to be clued up on safe sex and contraception and be aware that NO is a full sentence. And that 15 is very very young to be that invested in someone.

Yes, a general chat is needed! I chose to do this in smallish chunks during 20 min car journeys over a period of time. That way my DD didn’t have to eyeball me so she was more willing to chat. They have easy access to appalling free porn so can end up with a skewed idea of what’s normal - this was my biggest concern re potential boundary pushing - some of these tales from school may be exaggerations, but sadly some may not.

It’s really important to make clear someone who genuinely likes her won’t be asking/pleading/nagging/pressuring her to do anything she’s not interested in, and she can and should say no. There is sometimes pressure on them to take pics etc. heard a few tales about distraught girls following that shit show. I also revisited some topics a couple of times so it seemed like natural conversation not a “talk” about her - I sometimes would create a story about X situation I’d been told by parent at work to generate a conversation. (work in huge organisation so can invent people!). This often let her say stuff she wouldn’t if asked directly.

I would say that her telling you about friends is perhaps a way of gauging your response. I'd say a talk is needed asap. Have you spoke to her about contraception?

Thank you for your replies. I spoke with DD yesterday and just mentioned again what some of you highlighted….. about consent and protection.

She said ‘you’re obviously trying to find out if I’m still a virgin and I am’.

Hopefully she took something out of the other things I said.

Thanks again!

Admittedly mine were a little older (16) when we had the talk. It was very brief, to save their blushes. Only 2 things they needed to remember: it should be safe and it should be fun. If either of those elements is missing, give it a swerve!

She saw straight through you there didn't she 😂 just keep having these chats and try to remain non judgemental with keeping health and safety a priority

I found with my mum that I would be more open with her when she wouldn't pry. She would skirt around asking me if I was sexually active and it's that that made it awkward. I'd much rather her have said 'are you and your BF sexually active? If so, do you need any protection or any help with contraception?' Rather than 'oh, I wonder if people your are are sexually active..'

Make it part of normal conversation. It isn't taboo. A lot of parents on here post all the time they aren't 'ready' (eye roll) to face that their kids are of sexually active age and say no to having their bf/gf over. I would much rather practice safe, consensual sex under my roof where I know they are as safe as can be. Rather than in the back of a car or in woods somewhere. Really speak about contraception and make it a point.

You sound like a lovely mum. Good luck!

That sounds like a nice open relationship you have. I would definitely reiterate the way that porn has influenced young men and boys in terms of what they might regard as ‘normal’. Choking, rough sex, anal… all possibly acceptable to some but equally not what young women should be pressured into or have to accept.

Ditto sending explicit photos.

Make sure she knows girls can take the lead regarding the use of condoms.. My dd took her bf's word he could use them properly and is now 6 months pregnant at 18...

I did the 20 minute 'neither of us can escape this conversation ' with both my dc.

Nobody likes talking with their kid about sex, no kid likes talking to their parents about sex. But I approached it as a 'this is gonna be awkward for us both but I'm a parent and need to impart this information to you, you're a kid and you need to hear what I'm about to talk about'. Much like the stranger danger talks as tiny kids.

Keep it factual. Insist that you don't need to know anything, just that she needs to be careful, trusting, physically, EMOTIONALLY and sexually safe/protected, and what to do/who to speak to if anything doesn't feel right or goes wrong. Talk about porn use and sexual expectations. Whilst teen sex isn't rose petals on satin sheets it should be safe from all angles and realistic.

I'm soooo glad mine are beyond that now!

I’m not sure if she has mentioned choking to you when talking about what her friends are doing? Boys choking girls during sex without asking first sounds like it has become disturbingly common. A study of US college students said 58% of girls had experienced being choked during sex (although I imagine some were consensual)

I’d want to make sure she understands that future sexual partners may want to do things they have seen in porn and it is absolutely fine to withdraw consent if they do something she is not happy with or feels unsafe with.

When she brings up what others are doing I'd ask if she had any questions about what they were saying they were doing? Although I say this as a person who's never had a conversation with my mother remotely related to anything puberty or sex related!