Cannot cope with 14 month old

[bethanymo]

I have a 14 month old son and I am so depressed and I literally cannot cope with life anymore.

Since September he has woken up constantly in the night when before he would go bed at 7:30pm.
Now he stays up until 3am and barely sleeps.

He will only really eat pasta, yogurt, dhal, hummous, strawberries, the occasional veg and pita bread.

He refuses to drink water from a cup so I have to spoon feed him water as well as still offering him 3 bottles a day and offering him 3 meals.

I will spend hours researching new recipes for him to cook but 95% of the time he will refuse to eat or take a spoonful and spit it all over me.
When before he would eat anything and had such a good appetite, he is very picky now. The only thing he wolfs down is pasta and yogurt.

He used to love eating Ready Brek with banana but now he cries if I offer this to him.

I am exhausted.
I get about 3 hours of broken sleep a day and I do all the cooking, cleaning, and general parenting.

The partner sperm donor does very little.
I have not had a day to myself since he was born whilst the sperm donor has had had plenty of weekends away and time for himself.

I really am fed up and miserable.
I know this sounds awful but I really regret having a child.

I also have various health issues now which are quite concerning, I.e unexplained bruising and lower back pain and I have blood test at 9:15 today and a colonoscopy next week which I am really worried about.

I used to be relatively healthy before having my son but now I feel cold all the time, have dry eyes/infections a lot, it's just one thing after another.

I have considered adoption as I am just so depressed, i feel awful for even thinking/ writing is but I can't imagine doing this for another 17 years and I am literally a single parent.

I just don't know what to do.
Any help/ advice would be much appreciated.

Why can’t you leave him to go to the toilet? My two kids were so different at that age - my daughter was so easy going but my son won’t leave my side and cries when I leave the room - but I still do it. You can leave him on the floor with his toys whilst you run to the toilet. As for food, stop spending your time researching and cooking and just give him the things he will eat plus one new thing on the side. It doesn’t even have to make sense at this age so just give him pasta, pitta bread, cucumber and tomatoes and then give him a yogurt. You can make pasta sauces full of hidden veg easily. Try him will a bowl of peas or sweetcorn on the side, kids tend to love peas!

I think you need to try and let go of what society expects of you, or the image you have built up of what a mother does and realise that we are all just getting to the end of the day. Yes, there might be a few moments here and there where it’s magical but mainly it’s survival. 100% it’s fine to send him to nursery or a childminder. It’s fine to put some tv on, my little boy loves the musical story’s with the bbc orchestra on iPlayer. Most kids have issues finding the right drink I think we went through 6 cups still I worked out my son likes to drink out of a normal cup with a straw. My daughter is disabled so I’m not dismissing the fact there could be something underlying but if he’s wolfing down yogurt it doesn’t sound like he has an unsafe swallow.

As for your partner, well that’s a completely different issue. I think it’s time to law down the facts. His lack of support is destroying your mental health. Leaving you to do everything with a high needs baby is dreadful. You would be better off on your own! X

It's really common at that age that they become fussy with their food. It sounds like the foods he likes are reasonably healthy so I'd just let him eat what he wants to ar the moment and not stress, add other foods later when you have more energy. For hydration, I got some plastic moulds to make my own ice blocks and blend up some fruit my children love that. I'm no help on sleep mine still wakes and he's 2. Hang in there things are going to get better, it's just a tough stage.

Hi thanks for all the replies and support.

I think it's my relationship that gets me depressed more in addition to the lack of sleep, partner is a terrible lazy father who is very condescending to me and tries to tell me what to do when he has zero to minimal input in my sons care.

He is also very negative and argumentative, we just don't get on and I only put up with him for the sake or my son.

I very much like a single parent.

I read one of the comments about iron deficiency and if my son sleeps with his mouth open.

I did suspect an iron deficiency myself and I did google sleeping with mouth open can indicate an obstruction.

I have private healthcare so I will be making a GP appointment and getting him some blood tests and asking for a referral to get him checked over by an ENT specialist.

My son is also teething as he keeps hitting his teeth and face so I think that also doesn't help.

I love my son more than anything in the world and just try my best and at times feel like a terrible mother and think maybe he would be better off with someone else.

He is also very negative and argumentative, we just don't get on and I only put up with him for the sake or my son.

For your sake and your sons, please free yourself from this thinking.

If he grows up watching this relationship dynamic then he will repeat it himself.

You could instead give him the gift of seeing a happy, healthy mum who isn't being slowly chipped away at by a shit man who doesn't really care about her.

You deserve more. So does your son.

Putting up with this arsehole doesn't benefit your little one in the long term, it will do him more damage than good

And you don't sound at all like a terrible mother. You sound utterly exhausted from sleep deprivation, a lack of support from your husband and an active child.

You're doing nothing wrong, anyone would be completely exhausted and at the end of their tether in your shoes.

Be kind to yourself. Speak to the health visitor

He wouldn't be better with someone else. You're being very harsh on yourself. You're trying your best, you know you are.

I also struggled badly and I didn't have a man around being selfish and horrible to me. It's not that your son doesn't need you - you don't need this millstone of a man.

Your boyfriend is a disgrace. Whose house do you live in? You should secure housing for yourself (if housed by the deadbeat) and seek employment. Your financial security is paramount.
Your mood will improve once away from that man.

Organise childcare
Get a job (no mention of one, apologies if you already have this)
Leave your partner

Can guarantee your life will improve.

Your sperms donor needs to step up when he's not working. He can look after his child for 24 hours - book yourself into a hotel or go visit a friend.

I used to just give mine water in a bottle.
At least they drank from it. Some babies can't manage cups at 14 months.

Also - have a read of the Ferber sleep training book. It's brilliant.

And get yourself to the GP for some anti depressants.

I'm so sorry you're struggling at the moment.

Get rid of the deadbeat dad and put your kid in nursery. You're at breaking point you poor thing. Just feed your child what he likes and add in some probiotics and vitamins. Don't fight it, make life as easy as possible. Try a range of different water cups/bottles - there's always loads on display in all supermarkets etc til you find one that fits.

Sorry to hear you are so exhausted.

My youngest has always had trouble with food and drinks. The advice his specialists gave was to feed him what he will eat while he’s at his fussiest, on good days offer tiny portions of other foods and quite frankly give zero attention so it’s not a “thing” that they can play up to/against. Whether he eats or not, I just carry on and say nothing. (It’s a very stressful situation at meal times etc so it is very hard).

Let him drink out of any container- measuring cups, suck water of a sponge, drink from my bottles/mugs, jug, his favourite is a single use plastic water bottle that I just keep refilling. Doesn’t have to be a drinks bottle/cup!

It’s exhausting, it makes you feel deflated, it’ll improve slowly. My little one will now drink from 3 different drinks bottles and I cried tears of relief the first time he did it! x

OP I know it’s not as simple as leave but really, you don’t need the added pressure of a horrible partner. He doesn’t help with your DS anyway so you aren’t losing him in a co-parenting way either

Someone that loves you would see how exhausted you are and happily let DS go to nursery to give you a break, your DP sounds awful.

As for DS. I would speak to HV or GP regarding sleep.
When it comes to food, just give him what he wants plus a new food every couple days. Don’t stress about spending ages cooking new recipes. He won’t eat them. Trust me, I used to do the same!

When it comes to water, can you try to offer in bottle? Just put a cup out with a straw a few times a day and encourage to use without stressing. He is drinking 3 bottles of milk I’m sure he won’t dehydrate himself.

Get rid of DP, put DS in nursery, stress less about his eating. He is 14 months not 14 x

wishing you all the best OP XX

Definitely get some nursery hours! A 14 month old can be exhausting and relentless.

The food doesn’t sound that bad, they will start to eat more over time. Nursery really helped us with this because our children seemed to be perfectly willing to eat whatever if it was in a group setting. I was struggling trying to get my youngest to eat anything other than yogurt and bananas but in nursery she would happily eat chick pea curry!

In terms of the water, have you tried just using a milk bottle for water? Otherwise, I found the bottles with straws worked better for my youngest than a sippy cup.

Iron supplement helped quite a bit with my daughter who was waking a lot in the night.
Sometimes lots of toys can be overstimulating, maybe try doing a toy rotation and focusing on physical play, fresh air etc to see if that helps tire him out physically?
The food really doesn't sound bad at all, loads of kids are fussy eaters, mines 3 and it sounds like your son eats better than her! Don't beat yourself up about that, you can't force them to eat. Just keep offering but don't make it harder for yourself - I had to take a step back from feeding and trying to make her diet healthy because it made meal times so stressful and I felt like a failure but she is happy and healthy even though she basically only eats yoghurt, pasta, apple, sausage.
We did prioritise giving her things she would eat though because once I weaned she would wake at night asking for food, she won't go to sleep now if she's hungry so we offer her more food before bed.
I don't think you should listen to your partner regarding nursery, especially since he's utterly unhelpful with your child.
Being a SAHM (sorry assumption) is so draining, it's all consuming and overwhelming. A few days with your son at nursery and yourself out the house doing something else could really help with your mental health.
Your son is a good age to benefit from the social aspect and it might help tire him out and get him into a routine.
Toddlers are tough, having a useless partner is tough, having health issues is tough. It's no wonder you're not feeling great. Try and get some time for yourself, honestly childcare sounds essential for this aspect at least.

Sorry you’re going through a rough time OP. I think a major part of the problem is that you feel alone. If you’re not a single parent, then you should not feel alone. You need your partner to be kore supportive and hands on. And it should be you making the decisions on your child’s behalf of he’s opted out of actively parenting, so you should decide whether or not to send your child to nursery. It could just be for a few hours a week, just to give you a bit of a break.

My kid is autistic, though a pretty good eater, I know he will definitely eat pasta and yoghurt, so that’s what I give him. I do also leave food he initially refuses, and more often than not he’ll at least try it, as long as it’s on his terms. I just leave the food on a spoon or fork and let him decide, and I totally ignore him. He’s finished meals he initially refused many times! But as long as your child is eating I wouldn’t worry too much. My son drank perfectly from an open top cup as a baby but when he reached maximum toddlerhood he was running about everywhere and he’d have no concept of the cup spilling, so we just went to a sippy cup - bit of step backwards if you like but it meant he was drinking. On the sleep side of things, we sleep trained. No regrets whatsoever with that. We all get more sleep now.

Not sure why it's up to him? My daughter was so tricky and her going to nursery one day a week from 10 months was such a game changer for me as I was EXHAUSTED before. I could then spend that day recovering and it meant I was much better at looking after her on the other days. I also enjoyed my time with her more! Like you, I had little other support nearby... though my husband is an equal partner. Is yours adding to your life? I increased my daughter's nursery days to 4 when I went back to work and she loves it there. Not sure about these horror stories your partner is focusing on... just go visit a few and read reviews etc to ensure you find one you like. My daughter also was a very bad sleeper and picky eater (though not quite as tricky as what you're experiencing - I'm so sorry). I think the recommendations for blood tests etc are good. Also, children do just go through fussy eating phases. DD at one point literally only ate plain pasta and fruit. I really would suggest getting some childcare help so you can get a break. Some gyms have crèches where you can leave child for an hour or two. You need some support!

@bethanymo don't worry about what your little boy eats at the moment.

Just let him have what fills him up. I mean, within reason. I don't mean give him six bags of crisps. But if he likes pasta, feed him pasta.

One of my babies ate dry weetabix!

will spend hours researching new recipes for him to cook

Stop that right now
Feed him what he eats
He is getting enough calories
Send him to nursery. He will eventually copy the other kids.
Your partner is useless so not his decision.
Divorce useless partner
Speak to hv

You will end up totally dependant on him. Go get a job, put your child in nursery. Do what is right for your child and you.

Definitely get in touch with your hv OP. If I were you I'd also be getting my ducks in a row to leave as your DP is not a partner if he can see you and your child struggle and not do anything to help. He's an awful parent and your DC deserves better.
My DD goes to nursery (I also used to work in them) and I think your DC would benefit massively. Chances are they would eat more variety of food and use a cup if there's no ND as children will copy what the others are doing.

Oh OP this sounds very tough.- I remember feeling similar when my DS was around that age (and this was with a supportive DH who also helped).

Months on end of sleep deprivation had caught up with me (its just awful) and it's a tricky age in the sense they are totally mobile but can't really do that much and also can't communicate verbally.
My son is now.2.5 and it's so much easier.

I would.not have coped if I had him all the time, he's gone to nursery 2 days a week since age 1 when I went back to work part time and this helps massively. I think you should look into it as you get the free hours. Yes there is the occasional awful story in the news but it's ridiculous of your DP to decide against nursery based on that. They are mostly nurturing environments that toddlers can also enjoy.

Stop spending hours cooking op, give him what you know he will eat.

Put him into nursery for some time for you to sleep, and recharge.

You're placing far too much pressure on yourself it's no wonder you're depressed.

Your partner is dragging you down but I know it's easy to say leave.

And you don't have this for the next 17 years op honestly. Yes parenting is tough at all ages but you really are in a very challenging period to parent - mine is 6 now and although it's still hard it's a million years away from the ages under 4 in terms of how tough and exhausting it was.