to leave kids with ex?

[YourRealBiscuit]

I’m going through a separation and it’s becoming unbearable for me. I moved to the town he was from, where he grew up and stupidly made my life around his.
Now that we’re separating, although I have a job and a home deposit, this area is so expensive I can’t get more than a one bedroom place and those are like hens teeth.
AIBU to think the kids would actually be better off living with him? He has far more family money than me, can provide a lovely home and is not a bad father.
I have very little to offer these children, starting again as I am now and the weight of needing to leave this house but not having enough money for a larger home, it’s killing me.
im drifting around in a day dream, longing for when I can go to sleep every night just to end my feelings. I’m adrift and alone and I just want to get away from this all.
if I rent, I’ll never save the extra money for a larger deposit. If I don’t get out I feel like ill go insane.
is it always wrong for a mother just to say, kids you are better with your rich dad and I’ll get a little house out of the area and see you on weekends?

If he truly is a good father and this helps you to get back on your feet, I don't see why it's so bad. You will have them on weekends? Do you mean for night time as well?
Just try to see further than how you're feeling now. Don't make long term decisions when you're down or depressed, you might come to regret them.
Also you might feel even more alone, without your children there with you.
Why are you seperating? You sound a bit like you have forgotten how important you are. You are a mother and your children need you, love you.
Is it an option to move back to where you're from? With your children.
Or he could help you find a reasonable house. You are after all his kids mum, it is in their interest you are doing well and can provide for them, look after them.
Don't give up just yet.
❤

Children need love more than a big house and lots of money. If they have food and a clean safe home they will be absolutely fine. It sounds like such a difficult situation for you though, if you need to get some help for your mental health or some rest. But your children absolutely do need their Mum.

How old are your kids, OP?

I have very little to offer these children - I disagree. I bet you offer them love, fun times, safety, security, memories. Things that money can’t buy. Life isn’t about having a big nice house and rich parents. Kids don’t care about that type of stuff. I promise.

Please seek help from your GP, nobody should be longing to go to sleep at night to end their feelings.

Also remember, nothing is forever. Everything is temporary. Feelings, situations. This small part of your life may be a challenge and stressful until you get back on your feet and secure. Reach out to friends and family for support. Things will get better. Your children need you and their dad equally.

Thanks all. Children are tweens and opposite sex, so they will want their own rooms. There’s no way in hell I can afford a house of that size and they want to stay close to their friends.
I just feel it’s bad enough, this situation, without saying you need to leave your friends and school too.
we’re separating because I’ve realise our whole relationship was a scam, I won’t go into the craziness that’s happened but I won’t get any help from him that’s for sure.
I will try to talk about it, I’m just so ashamed of where I am, what I’m thinking of etc

If he treated you this badly, please don't leave the kids with him.
You can do this, find your strength back.
Yes start with getting help, for your mental health and practical help.

Would it be an option for the kids to stay put and you and your ex come and go from the home house? You would both obviously need a place to go on the days you're not there, but that could be a one bed rental. I know a couple who did this to minimise disruption for the kids. They had good communication and were able to do it relatively respectfully though. I imagine it wouldn't be easy in many cases where a relationship has broken down and there's alot of bad feeling.

My mother left me with my father as primary parent. My father wasn't great but it was definitely a damn sight better than being with her - but she was terrible and weekends with her were awful.

I doubt you're terrible like that, but it's not the worst thing in the world to leave your kids with their father as primary parent. Even a not so good one. There are worse things.

If you think living with you would be worse for them than living with their father, you're probably right. I can't imagine a mother considers that easily (unless you're my mother, where boyfriends and parties come first!). So just do it if you think it's best.

He'll be legally obliged to pay child support - it's not his decision whether he "helps" to support his own kids. Have you seen a solicitor yet? Contacted CMS?

Are you married?

We wouldn’t pay me anything by agreement. He’d say. Kids can stay with him. How do you go forward then? I imagine it’s fighting for it, which I have no money for and considering he’s a good dad, I can’t see why I would. Even a paltry cm payment wouldn’t propel me into affordability for the costs of these homes sadly.

We’re not married.

I'm not qualified to give you legal advice but I'm sure there are people on here who are. Maybe look at citizensadvice.org.uk as a starting point.

Well men do it all the time, becoming EOW parents. It's not for me, personally, but I do think more women should consider whether it automatically has to fall to them to be the primary parent.

I do think it's unacceptable for a parent to move away from their dc though, of either sex, when they are children. How far can you realistically move whilst still being able to see your children easily once a week or more?

Also, if you do not have the dc 50/50, then expect to pay CMS towards them.

Oh gosh I’d be within a 30min drive, but even that could half the cost of the property

Slo close enough to do school runs etc too. That's good. Would you be making sure your new home has a bedroom for the children?

If I could afford it yes but that’s not guaranteed.