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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband’s quirks are driving me mad…

16 replies

ShouldIstayorgogogo · 07/01/2025 00:49

First aibu so please be kind.

Husband and I have been married for ten years. The last couple of years have been tough with me dealing with a major health issue that I am still recovering from.

I love him very much but he is driving me insane. Generally I do the day to day household stuff mainly because I have been off work due to illness. I pace myself and get it done. The issue is that when he is home rather than doing the big jobs that need doing like mowing the lawn, edging the lawn, fixing stuff he decides to take over my jobs and does them what I consider badly - for example he says the dishwasher hasn’t worked properly and then he either redoes it or starts doing it all noisily by hand - last night while I was trying to watch a film at 11pm. Or then leaves loads of stuff on the draining board so I have to put it away anyway. He leaves cups and glasses everywhere. It was the same when I couldn’t do anything due to being very unwell. In a way I feel like my illness was an excuse not to get stuff done and fixed.

He’s obsessive with hobbies - not cycling but painting and editing both of which he has set up spaces for in our lounge room which is already very cramped. He takes hours doing these things in our shared space plugged into his podcasts and can’t be roused unless you shout!

He also spends hours in the toilet on his phone.

I’ve just snapped because I woke up late desperate for a wee - he’s in the toilet (there is only one), he never cleans it, hardly ever sprays anything. Then I go to the kitchen to make a coffee as I do everyday. He’s there - again it’s a very small space. I get my coffee go and sit on the bed. He follows me in with a game on his phone and I just want space.

It’s really pissing me off today. But it will be fine we’ll say sorry I hope and laugh it off. But AIBU?

OP posts:
nonbinaryfinery · 07/01/2025 00:51

They're not quirks, they're bloody annoying.

Derogations · 07/01/2025 00:53

He sounds a dick. Why are you not fighting back a bit harder?

ShouldIstayorgogogo · 07/01/2025 00:55

@Derogations oh I am! Very hard!

OP posts:
ShouldIstayorgogogo · 07/01/2025 00:57

I would like to also point out that I am happy to do the mowing edging etc but it’s very painful as I have had lymph nodes removed from my dominant side and after a few minutes I have to stop as it gets very painful.

OP posts:
Astrak · 07/01/2025 01:01

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. I suggest that you make some lists during a time when he's not at home. What are his good, supportive behaviours? What are his negative unhelpful behaviours? Could you manage without him? Is there any liklihood that he would be able to listen to any of your concerns?

Perhaps running these ideas through your mind might help you to plan what you can realistically do at the present time and what the outcomes might be.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/01/2025 01:01

What about..

Have you said... 'Man! you're driving me mad redoing stuff I can do... Please do the heavier stuff I can't do,,'... If so what does he say??

Would drive me to drink!

researchers3 · 07/01/2025 01:05

He sounds unbelievably selfish and you are exceedingly tolerant OP!

ShouldIstayorgogogo · 07/01/2025 01:14

@astrak I did lists very early on in the relationship. It didn’t work. They were ignored. He does have ADHD so I make allowances for this. He has no real object permanence - so stuff isn’t put back where it needs to go. I constantly have to remind him to do his two main jobs - clean the shower and mow the lawn.

He does support me in lots of ways. He’s worked and supported me whilst I was unwell. Never complained about this. He’s my total rock. But every so often it all builds up and reaches a head.

OP posts:
DeepRoseFish · 07/01/2025 01:41

Oh I couldn’t cope. I’m so happy to not live with a man. I’m sorry OP but I would absolutely have to LTB. Especially because of the loo thing.

Jaapssthia · 07/01/2025 01:46

You lost me at the toilet hygiene, never mind all the rest. He would have to go @ShouldIstayorgogogo he’s a fucking nightmare.

ShouldIstayorgogogo · 07/01/2025 02:12

@IamtheDevilsAvocado yes unfortunately I can’t really drink. It makes me very unwell. So that unhealthy coping mechanism is barred from me!

OP posts:
Nothatgingerpirate · 10/01/2025 10:16

These are not "quirks", you would be happier living without him.

healthybychristmas · 10/01/2025 10:19

These are not quirks. He is not fit to live with another human being!

LancsLass41 · 10/01/2025 11:01

I completely understand your frustration, my DH has ADHD & all the things you have mentioned ring so true, not completing jobs properly so I have to complete them, putting things away in the wrong places so I then have to go & move them, playing games on his phone with the volume up, cupboards & drawers left open & life is just generally chaotic when it doesn’t need to be. I’ve tried so many different tactics to try & adapt but am out of ideas. You just need to try & have your own space to find some calm which I understand isn’t always possible.

Bonbon249 · 10/01/2025 11:07

You need to use your words - tell him what you want him to do, tell him you need to use the bathroom and he needs to leave it in a decent condition (that would be a big yuck for me!), tell him when you need space and quiet and keep telling him rather than let it build up to this amount of frustration. Would you have space in your garden for a shed (sorry, studio!) for his art and supplies, free up the space in your living room?

iamnotalemon · 10/01/2025 11:11

I assume he's always been like this? Or has his behaviour only annoyed you recently because of your health issues? Just speak to him, point these things out and hopefully he will change.

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