How do you actually make your life better? I feel like mine is over.

[Hunnybunny235]

So lately, I’ve been feeling extremely lost and empty. Not unhappy, definitely not depressed because I suffered with ppd with my first child. I’ve had a few major life changes in the last few years. I have 2 kids a newborn and a toddler. I absolutely adore my kids. They are happy, thriving, so intelligent, I could go on and on. I thoroughly enjoy being a mom but a part of me feels like I’m missing a part of myself. Having kids was a lot more isolating than I was prepared for. We don’t get any help and while my partner is very very loving and supportive our parents don’t help us in the slightest nor have any interest in being in our kids live. (We both experienced trauma when we were young so our parents are the same grandparents as they were parents.) I just want to know does it ever get better or after having kids do you just always miss a piece of yourself. I don’t know what I actually like to do. I don’t have any hobbies. I used to love documentaries and sports I no longer watch anything. Me and my friends hardly talk anymore. Where do I go from here? I want to be the best most balanced and happy version of myself so my kids can meet the side of me that I love so much. The person who is spontaneous, funny and deep. I feel like I’m not the same person. And neither is my partner. Where do I go from here?

Leave the kids with your partner and do a hobby every weekend for 2 hours or meet friends. And vice versa so he gets time off too. Play a sport or join a book club or Parkrun or something.

My kids are grown and almost gone. I am so glad I kept up my interests.

Yes it gets better, but not for a good few years unless you actively carve out time to do things, even when you’re so tired you would rather just sit still. Single parent of teenagers, I have loads of hobbies and usually a messy house.

Mum of 3 here - kids 5,8&13 - I have so much more time to do those things now. I'd say once they're in preschool you properly feel like yourself again / at the min you're so depended on, for everything, but as the reigns loosen - you get yourself back and enjoy life so much more. Until then - you HAVE to ask your partner to have the kids out of the house or in, so you can be you again - watch a documentary whilst he takes them swimming, go for a long walk with a podcast whilst he has the kids at home - look after yourself! Xx it gets so much better and so much fun to be had when they're older and you can properly chat too

Remember to take a vitamin D supplement during these dark days!

OP you will feel like yourself again. Looking after a toddler and a newborn is exhausting and my hobbies and interests fell by the wayside when mine were this age! All I wanted to do in the very tiny bits of free time was sleep! Once your toddler is in nursery and baby is a bit bigger, you will have more time and more energy. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up, be kind to yourself and give yourself credit for the amazing job you're doing. If your partner is home at the weekend, try and get an hour or so to yourself to just go for a walk in the fresh air alone or meet a friend for a coffee. Spending time just being you without the kids will recharge your batteries and remind you that you are a person and not just a mum ☺️

Mine are 4 & 7 and I’m feeling like me again, I’ve changed my job and gone full time in a role I really love and I’m doing well at and I’ve lost 5stone. I could never have done any of this while mine were tiny. Try to enjoy the stage your at as it’s over so quickly and then your packing them off to school and clubs all day.

perhaps check in with someone in real life incase you have a different manifestation of pnd especially as you seem quite down and you have a newborn (although that stage is so hard on your mental health for everyone!)

I don’t have any hobbies

This is the issue. Hobbies give us a way to connect with our local communities and feel part of something bigger. They’re a chance to have adult conversations and interact with people who have different lives which helps put our own lives and experiences into perspective. I did an evening art course once a week when my DC were young. I loved connecting with older women who had many wise words about parenting. You need time and space to feel human and connected, find a new hobby.

It's very hard not to lose yourself when they are that age.

It's about babysteps back out the other side

What did you used to do? And now can you inject even five minutes of that into your day?

Play your favourite tunes on Spotify? Duolingo? A podcast? Wordle?

I used to buy really nice shower gel when mine were small so that at least the shower felt like a bit of a treat.

OP, I don't think there's a mother on earth who at some time hasn't thought 'I'm X's wife, I'm X's Mum, but who the hell am I?' We all feel that we've lost our identity when our kids are young, which is why it's so important to have something for you. In my case I got myself a part time job which I could fit in around my DH's work, so that I didn't have to pay for the little one's to be cared for, but there are loads of things you can do. As other's have said, try a new hobby, join a gym or a dance class, got to a night class, anything that will get you out of the house as YOU, and YOU alone. You'll be surprised at how much better you feel, once you've reclaimed your identity.

Yes it gets better. Babies and toddlers don't give you a moment's rest.

Try to find time each day to do one thing that is good for your mind, one thing that is good for your body and one thing that is good for your soul. However small, make it a daily habit and build on it.

That’s just how it is with a toddler and newborn.

I don’t mean to be unsympathetic but this is a choice that you have made, and so, for the next year or so, your main job is mum. The more money and help you have, the easier this bit is, but you have still made the decision to put your own needs on the back burner for now.

Absolutely no way is your life over. 10, 20, 30 etc years down the line, this will be but a dim and probably rose-tinted memory. Buckle down, lower your expectations and buy in all the help you can afford. And go back to work as soon as you can.

Go and meet your friends for a couple of hours or so. Even with a newborn, you can leave them for a short while inbetween feeds, with their dad.
Do lots of little things that you like to do. Watch some tv, listen to some music, have an audiobook or podcast on while you're hanging out with the kids. Even having food that you like because that's what you want, is important.
It will get easier.

You'll be lacking sleep which is vital for recharging (writing this instead of sleeping lol). Also do you do any classes with your babies? Mother and toddler groups are brilliant as they're often run by wise kind older ladies and you get chance to watch the toddler play and just chat to other moms and sometimes dads. I really enjoyed doing classes - there's musical ones or art or whatever you're interested in, as much for your benefit as theirs. Offer to meet someone for coffee afterwards or something so you feel more connected and start to build a community around you. Without family you need a social network more than ever x

You e had some good replies. Here's some things that helped me feel more like myself:

• Going for a coffee with the girls once a week or so. Babies came with us and played in the corner. It was nice to enjoy some adult,non-baby related conversation
• going for a run with the pushchair in the mornings. Signed up for a couple of 10k and a half marathon. This gives me energy. After a run I always start the day more positive
• cooking for myself and eating well. For the first few months, my diet was pretty awful as I was focused on DD. Now I make time to make a fairly aesthetic meal for myself. I sit at the table and eat properly.
• having 5-10 mins every morning and evening to wash my face, skin care, grooming etc.
• Education! Has been helpful for me. I'm in the last year of my degree. When DD is napping, I'm working and it feels like I am making progress, like I am moving forward not just stuck in toddler years.
• make time for sillies. When I feel stressed. I try really hard to label the feeling, turn on some silly music, and have a dance. (Think sick van dyke silly, dancing with the mop). It makes DD squeal with laughter and that is the best medicine.

Hobbies may be the answer but logistically that is difficult until kids are in preschool. So, in the meantime I think the key is to start prioritising yourself sometimes, or at least carving out times in the day to focus on you and your needs. Mix with other mums! Get out, use public transport , go to John Lewis and try some of the expensive perfume. DD as a newborn used to love walking around the shops in a carrier. Buy a coconut latte or some other fancy coffee that is a bit more than black, no sugar. Wash your face, make your bed, try to gradually introduce some exercise. Make a long term goal and work towards it, whatever that is.

These are some of the things that helped me.

These are good ideas too - we've recently got a dog that forces me to walk him in the park regularly. Hardly went there with the babies other than to playgrounds, but walking in the trees is wonderful! Something about having a dog (harmless fluffy one) or a baby with you that makes you feel safer/protected as well where alone I get a bit creeped out. Plus you can meet someone to walk with you - easy to invite people to after a class too as it's nice and casual and a relaxed low key way to get to know other mums without the formality of sitting opposite them in a coffee shop or at your house.

Start by reading how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. Changed my life.

Honestly once the youngest is 4 you will feel a whole new person. Early years are so hard, not enough sleep, barely any time to yourself.

I think focus on getting yourself feeling better first. Whether thats self care, go get a haircut, express manicure etc. choose one day to watch a documentary. We started doing a home date night where we just ordered in and watched a movie with a bottle of wine. Doing even a ten minute yoga video or weights will make you feel a lot more in control. Find something on youtube to do, you can absolutely find ten minutes a day (I wish I had done this a lot sooner).

I think that's just how it is at that point when they're little. Perhaps not for everyone, but I certainly didn't have any identity or interests beyond being my kids mum for those early years. It was hard.

My kids are all teens now, and I can report that I have never been happier or more able to explore my personal interests. I go open water swimming. I see friends and we do wine tasting and poetry evenings. It's great! I read a lot. I have taken up pottery. I did a Masters last year and I have a new career on the back of it. My graduation ceremony day might actually be the happiest day of my life. I have recently discovered a new passion and am deep in the research phase - my kids are encouraging me to plan to go back to studying again because they are so proud of me and love to see me fulfilled and living my best life in exactly the same way that I feel about them and their passions and ambitions.

Yes, things get better a the kids get older and you get more time for your self and your relationship. You can get a head start on it by making sure you get time for yourself out of the house on a regular basis that allows you to do things you enjoy. Hobbies and social things. You can also start pursuing your interests while you’re doing the day to day things you’re responsible for - put on a documentary while you feed your infant. Listen to a podcast while you cook or drive somewhere. Take you toddler to watch a game of the local team in whatever sport you love.

And get some time with your partner too. If you know others with children the a babysitting circle can cut the costs, but if not and you can possibly afford it, then pay for a baby sitter.

I think you need to look at why you don't have hobbies or speak to your friends, really.

You have a partner, you need to prioritise yourself for a couple of hours a week and take some gome back fo yourself. Find a hobby or something that interests you. I know that takes planning and time somehow just escapes but it's worth it! One of the loveliest things I ever did with a group of friends when we were in the trenches, was a spa day (I know they are divisive) with a relaxation room with beds - several of my friends disappeared for an hour's nap.

I'm afraid the spontenatiety is a lost cause - everything needs a plan at this stage! Interested people are interesting.

It definitely gets better. I felt I'd completely lost myself when I had young children. I loved my children, but I no longer felt like me. I missed my old life but most of all I missed the old me.
It's a slow process, but you get yourself back. As the kids got older, I started to do more for me. For example, most of my friends live far away, as we've moved. So I started to have day trips to see them, the occasional weekend away with friends. I made some good mum friends, but seeing friends who knew me before I had children, really helped me to feel like me again. They like me for me, not because we bonded over babies and nappies. I can be silly with them, not in sensible mum mode. I highly recommend seeing old friends without bringing your children along.
I've always been into seeing live music but just didn't have the energy when the kids were young. I started going to gigs again. I rediscovered my passions.
Now my children are 11 and 14, I'm most definitely me again!

It's so normal. I really hated the loss of identity I felt and struggled with it, but it does ease. What helped me was going back to work, just for a few hours a week as a barmaid, but for those few hours I wasn't 'x's Mummy', I was 'Orlando' again. I made plans for the future and I tried to focus on the fact it wouldn't always feel this hard.