ND child. Constant unsolicited advice. Feel judged.

[DorianMeile]

My son is ND. Possible autism. Very likely ADHD. It's hard and I am exhausted. School have been amazing. In the process of getting him referred for assessment via GP. I'm knackered physically and emotionally but I feel like am moving in positive direction.

Every time I see my family my son is obviously displaying behaviours typical of adhd. He can misbehave and I have ways of dealing with it. Usually quite well. My family though are constantly trying to get involved. One parent tries to take over in disciplining him and just heightens things and leaves me to deal with the aftermath, leaving me feeling judged. Another is constantly going on about medicating him and trying to give advice (my son is not even diagnosed yet). I know they have talked about it with each other (a few family members) - they try to hide it but it's clear.

The thing is, I think I'm actually doing OK. I have a plan in place with school. We have a support worker. I'm learning about parenting techniques. We have meetings with the school. I'm learning about new ways to deal with his behaviours all the time and some are working. I just want to pull away and leave my family behind at the moment because I always feel so judged, like a failure, like my every move is being watched.

What's more is that I have made something of myself and done amazingly, but my siblings are all a bit messed up in their own ways - that must have something to do with my parents in some way shape or form. They aren't perfect.

Anyway, I really needed to get that off my chest. I feel like my friends are my family atm, and my family are the source of my criticism and anxiety.

Does anyone else understand how I feel? And how to cope with it?

And when i say I've done amazingly, I really feel i have. It's not a stealth boast. I've left an abusive relationship, secured a job i love, made a lovely home, put my child first, got a 1st in my degree, despite everything, and I just feel like whatever I do my whole family are just constantly criticising me by constantly commenting on my child's behaviours. I can't remember the last time I met with my mum or dad and his ND wasn't raised.

Aren't you judging your siblings while complaining you're being judged?

Stop visiting if it's so much of an issue.

Having thoughts that you keep to yourself whilst still being a supportive sibling is surely different to constantly weighing in though?

Well if your DC is ND then it is probably rife through your family tree and a reason the rest of your family are "a bit messed up" just undiagnosed.

Your parents constant commenting could be intentionally mean and because they are twats or it could infact be their own traits coming out and their inability to follow social cues.

If you want to maintain a relationship with them it's best to shift your perspective whether it's true or not it'll make it easier to deal with.

This is really part of the coarse!

Personally I would get as much information as possible and sent it via email or text and ask them to read it - state the facts as you have here - this is what’s working this is what the school recommend etc etc

Ask them to support you or keep their opinions to themselves.

Oh and co gratulations in your achievements - you are doing extremely well!

Definitely a possibility.

Honestly, life is too short. Distance them or tell them to shut up. As plain as that.

You sound like an amazing mum and role model for your son ❤️

I work with and have a son with ASD & ADHD - it's a harder parenting ask than a 'typical child' (if any truly exist).

I've heard a lot of well meaning but potentially harmful advice given to me and my clients ...

• just leave the food they don't like there - they will eat it when they are hungry ..... umm no they won't
• if they want to run off- let them they will get scared as soon as they are 10meters away & come back - that's not safe- they could run, hid somewhere unsafe, be vunrable to a stranger or have no road sense...

I could rant on, we parents know our child best.

My family's lovely but I did have to have a chat with them all and explain I'm doing what is best for my son, as advised by professionals .. if you want to help ask me how you can help in a situation or give us space.

A few years on and they all say how amazing I've been with him & how they see how much support I've been for him. They have also said looking back they didn't know what to do as it was not something they had experienced before.

I'm on my own two so understand it's hard when no second adult cam back you up or give you a break.

You really do sound like you're doing amazingly well. Keep your confidence in how you are parenting your child. He will get so much security and reassurance from having a confident and loving mum ❤️

Families are complex. And it is possible that jealously is playing into their criticism of your son. It's also possible that they are worried about you both and trying to help and getting it all with. It can be extremely lonely navigating everything that comes with having a ND child as I'm sure you have discovered and you have my every sympathy that you don't feel supported by your family that must be heartbreaking for you. A friend of mine with a (now diagnosed) son with autism not only had to deal with coming to terms with the fact that her son may have autism but also had to deal with family members telling her she was wrong and that she should just send him to school, a burying the head in the sand approach. So she had to deal with their feelings and opinions also at a time when all she needed was support and that's a hard thing to forgive. You have every right to feel angry and disappointed in your family and also the right to take a step back from them at this difficult time and get support from those who you feel closest to, your son needs you at your best. It sounds like you are handling things amazingly well and have every reason to be proud of yourself. Things won't always be this difficult and I wish you and your son all the very best for the future xx

Honestly as a SEN parent you need to try your hardest to ignore ignore ignore.

Let it go in one ear and out the other. I know it's hard but if you don't you will always be bothered by it.

Yeah, I find most of the problems with my kids aren't from them. It's other people judging or not accommodating their differences that cause the stress. In our bubble at home, needs are a lot easier to meet. Outside, we get unsuitable education, judgy stares, people actively avoiding eye contact when we have the disability push chair in case it's catching etc. When it's from family, it gets depressing. All you can do is keep correcting them on the situation.

You ARE doing amazingly. I think you need to establish some better boundaries with them about your son. Ie, THIS is the kind of help I need. If I don’t get that, it makes things worse and I don’t want it.
Honestly, I think you probably need to assume you have no help and apply for all funding you can get and get some decent respite from qualified care givers who DO observe your boundaries.

I’ve been listening to the Calm parenting Podcast, and I’ve really appreciated some of the advice on it about setting boundaries with parents and family, managing visits with family, particularly as it’s interlaced with thoughts that probably shouldn’t be shared out loud.

Do you have a support group, or know any other parents with ND dc? Being around other adults who get it, is a huge help.

I hear you. My parents really want to help but struggle to accept or deal with my differently wired child. It sounds like it's the same with yours, they are trying to help but not going about it in the best way.

It's not a criticism of you. They don't know any better. I would kindly explain how it makes you feel and ask them to please do xyz instead to support you.