I don't know how to sort out my life. Any outsider thoughts?

[StolenShortcake]

It's all fallen apart, a bit.

I used to have a well-paying, good job; but it took me away from home a LOT. I was usually overnight in London 5 or 6 nights a week. When we started planning having children, I set up a side business that then became my main employment.

When Covid hit, DH lost his job. He was only two months into a new role, so they just let him go. He came to work inside my business.

Pregnancy was tough, I spent the last two months as an inpatient, and the business fell apart. When DS was born, I managed to pick up some remote shifts for old employers, which got us through. DH did most of the childcare, while looking for more work in his field. It never really recovered from Covid, it still hasn't.

I accepted a full-time job last year, remotely, with one day a week in the office. DS started nursery two days a week.

I had to tell work I was pregnant in August, due to some risk assessments that needed to be done. Miraculously, there was then no work for me... ACAS are involved, as are Pregnant than Screwed, but... nothing is fast.

UC will pay us £600-ish a month, which doesn't even cover the mortgage and nursery bill, let alone anything else.
DS's nursery has just gone up now that he gets 30 hours free, it's now more expensive than 15 hours free, and they've warned us of a 12% increase in April. He hates going anyway, it's too busy and he's never settled.

My pregnancy has flared up the PTSD from last time, and also my bipolar, which has been under control for years.
DH has cerebral palsy which he's currently ignoring to do a manual labour job each week, but it's a seasonal contract over Winter, they've only offered him 8 hours a week for January so far, and it doesn't pay well. I'm also not sure how long he'll physically be able to keep it up, he's saying he's fine but he's limping and sore.

I'm not sure DH would cope with DS full-time. I'm not sure how to go about restarting my business, but I do feel that's probably my only option right now... I wouldn't employ me, right now!

Is there a clear answer here? We don't have anyone to borrow from, even short-term. We have been living off savings since September but I'm scared at how fast they're dwindling, even after a very small Christmas.

(And before anyone says, yes, pregnancy right now is very poorly timed - there's nothing I can do about that now. I had no idea my employer, who I've worked with as a consultant for years, would treat me like this. I was even part of a steering group talking about why they didn't have many female employees, ha).

If you're not working why have DS in nursery?

Can your DH take a full time office type role? Any type of role that isn't tough manual work?

I'm trying to restart my business, or we have nothing to live on. The best situation I can envision is that it becomes successful enough that it can pay DH and I enough to live on, and we can share the childcare, with the bulk falling to whoever's conditions are best being managed at the time... my bipolar has been dormant for 8 years, so it's a surprise that it's come back, and it's not the easiest to manage.

DH has been applying, he's had his CV reviewed, and he's done interview training. He hasn't been offered anything since he started looking last April. He seems far from being alone in that, sadly... Location-wise, if he got a job in London, the commute would cost £10,524... that's not affordable, especially as he'd realistically be looking for a lower-paid job. A lot of those see his master's and work history and won't accept him, but his industry is gone, so the history isn't worth anything either IYSWIM. And nursery is £90 a day, so fitting everything together is challenging.

His old contacts have mostly gone self-employed, but that's a lot easier if you've got one secure income. We wouldn't have one.

Perhaps all we can do is keep applying.

Could he not take an anything job, nothing to do with his masters. For now? To keep you both going?

This is what he's been trying, as his industry is gone.

Marketing, admin, anything. He got desperate enough to apply for anything outside of office work, too, and was offered the manual labour job, and a job teaching swimming on a zero hours contract. That's all.

To be fair to him, I don't think there's much more he can do, but I am worried about him. I'm not sure there's an answer here other than me making the business work though, even that means working through the night.

Can your husband find a WFH job - which as remote customer service etc - so at least your child come stay at home more often?
The reality is that you’re in for a tricky time here as, like you acknowledge yourself, the new baby is terrible timing.

That all sounds very tough.

If you are trying to re-start your business, is it feasible to work on this initially on a part-time basis and use only your free childcare hours? Or could you work on relaunching the business on a part-time basis and find a part-time job (anything, not necessarily what you worked at before) to get a regular income coming in while you build the business?

A manual labour job sounds bad for your DH. Could he look for something which is lighter work, perhaps retail of some kind, even on on a part-time basis, at least in the short-term. Could he look at re-training in an area where he might be able to find a more flexible job? Could he look at getting work in his former field on a self-employed basis part-time and take on a paid part-time job of some kind to give a regular income?

With his cerebral palsy, is he entitled to any help with re-training costs? Is it worth both you and he getting in touch with your local Job Centre, or with specialist charities, for advice? You may be eligible for some help on account of your mental health issues too.

You sound very resourceful, having set up a business before which grew into your main job, and you have a good work record. Likewise, your DH has a masters so should be able to find a way ahead. With your pregnancy and bipolar, maybe you need to ask him to chart his own course re work and retraining so that you can concentrate on your own situation and health.

Good luck, OP.

In your DH’s position, I’d forget about mentioning the CV and apply to a supermarket as a home shopper or, if he’s able, a driver. Lots are saving hours at the moment but internet shopping is always on the rise, so there’s usually always hours there. He’ll still be on his feet, but it will be much, much easier than manual labour, especially in this weather.

Are you saying that you can’t manage DS full time, because of your health? If so, could he just be there for his free hours? And you care for him the remainder of the time?

How long will it take you to get your business back up and running? How far have you got?

Have either of you applied for PIP?

There are benefits calculators online, I'd be surprised if that was all you're entitled to.

You can talk to companies like utilities about going on reduced rates (either due to low income or disabilities or both) or at least spreading payments through the year.

You talk about industries, can you pin down what key skills are and think how they could be transferred?

With the baby coming, would you ever think of childminding? You can make quite good income from it.

I'd focus on employment rather than your business until you're on a more stable footing, running your own business is always high risk.

How big is your house? Could one of you apply to be a foster career or take up childminding as others have said? What kind of skills does your DH have if his industry is gone? If he has a master's could he apply for graduate trainee type schemes as a retraining opportunity? We run a grad scheme at my work and older applicants who want a career change are often successful in applying. Might not be megabucks at first but long term it may be a good option for stability?

What's the barrier to restarting your business? You started from scratch before, and it soon became your main employment - it should be fairly straightforward to restart now surely?

Why wouldn't your dp cope with being a SAHP? If he's managing a labouring job with his disability, surely that's way harder than looking after a toddler?

I'm guessing you both had London-only jobs, given you mention dp not even able to work in London given the £10k on commuting? Can you re-look at this option? While £900 a month commuting is a huge amount, his take home would be at least double, so a net gain of £900 a month or more. Which presumably is better than than 9 hours of minimum wage he's currently getting. Plus could there be an option of him wfh two days a week, or doing compressed hours?

UC would pay more I'm sure - do they still pay mortgage interest for a few months, plus they pay 86% childcare costs and a child element. Look at that again.

Lodger?

I'm sorry you're in this situation, OP; it's very tough. I think you're right, and the best thing to do is to re-start your business. (Although, have you tried signing up with a temp agency and doing reception work as an interim? I don't know how tough it is now to get these types of roles now, but perhaps worth a look?) Also, if your DP is going for lower-paid jobs which don't require a Masters, he may want to drop it from his CV and adapt job titles and responsibilities to match a lower-grade job. (A friend of a friend used to be HR Director for a large company but had to pretend to be less well-educated and experienced in order to get the HR admin job she really wanted when she was desparate to move to a less stressful role.)

Op has your OP looked at local council jobs, or non teaching but within education? They are usually more open to considering life experience and transferable skills, and would usually see the masters as a positive - it's not unusual for people in those sectors to take a step down when they have family responsibilities so it wouldnt be assumed he's over qualified and will move on quickly, as can be the case if he's looking at things like retail or construction.

Thanks all, I'll get DH to look at these options!

UC will offer a loan that covers interest only once you've been on it for a year. DS now gets 30 hours childcare and only attends for two days, but they're not free anywhere here - we pay £30 a day subsidy plus £3.40 per funded hour, so we're paying £500-ish for 8 days a month.

I'd cope with DS full time but I'm not sure if DH would. They clash heads a bit! But they'd make it work and I suspect that's my best route... re-establish my business, and then take DS out of nursery. Hopefully in time we'd get big enough that DH could be paid too. It's just that awkward start up phase where it takes lots of time with little pay off that feels like a struggle.

DH has only ever worked locally, but the only roles he's got through to the final stage for have been London-based. He's going for them anyway but it'll be a struggle to make finances work much better with the increased train costs. He's been offered a second interview today for a job that pays £28k - that means he'll take home £1.9k a month; and £900 of that will go on commuting. His UC coach thought that would cancel out any claim, but he was going to check, and the mortgage will then mean we have circa £350 a month for everything else. I know the answer is that both of us need to work. I did go back to work 8 weeks after having DS, but my bipolar was well under control then, so I was able to. I'm not sure now if I could.

I will also look at temp agencies; I'm registered with a few but it's a good time of year to remind them I exist!

We don't have any spare bedrooms, DS has a box room that he'll have to share with the new baby when she moves out of our room, so I think that rules out fostering - but I was a child in care so I can ask my social services contact.

It's quite a small house and we have a fireplace; but I could also investigate having a couple of childminding children. I have a very old childcare qualification.

Why are u paying £500 a month for 8 days in nursery
That's ridiculous when neither of you are working
Have him home full time till he goes to school and save £500 straight away

Nursery needs to stop. And mcdonalds, asda, subway...these jobs locally would make more financial sense than commuting and it costing £900.

If you get universal credit, they will pay 85% of your childcare bill if you are working?

so I think that rules out fostering - but I was a child in care so I can ask my social services contact.

Theyd be very unlikely to place a foster child with you when you have two pre-school children tbh.

He can't work at home with a nursery aged child at home.

Hi there, this all sounds very tough. Look into PIP for you and your DH, and income based ESA. Good luck!

Why? Granted it may be unusual, but I employ 2 people in this set up so it definitely exists. I believe they use the childcare they’re entitled to for the majority and work around activities/naps/partners work the rest.

For those querying the universal credit that OP is getting it would be a couple allowance £617 if one 25 or over and child element £287. Work allowance £673 month and if her husband and OP earns more than that deduct 55p of each £1 earned. Childcare will not be covered unless both working.

OP just one thing to be aware of is the Minimum Income Floor if you were on Universal Credit when you were self employed before and your partner looks after the children. It will not affect the main carer of a child under 3 and not the first year of self employment.