Teenage son attempted suicide - need support

[3Blues]

So its going to be a long one... I just need to sense check I'm not going crazy and I'm doing the right things here.

Teenage son, 14, is the middle child (DS 15, DS 7) and has always been wild and unique. From age 6 I suspected some form of neurodivergence, but was fobbed off by school because he wasn't presenting or showing those signs in school, but at home. So, DH and I managed and worked our way through it to help with sudden anxiety in our DS, grounding techniques for when he got overwhelmed or overstimulated, and just learnt together what was best to help him. I must have gone to the GP 10-12 times by the time DS was 11, showing a diary of how he was escalating and showing riskier behaviours - self harm (across arms and chest), compulsiveness, lack of self-control (to the extreme), compulsive lying and so on. At the same time, increased anxiety.

They eventually referred him to CAMHS and he started sessions with them 6 months later when he first attempted suicide by taking 30 paracetamol. At the same time, I requested help from MIND councillors at the doctors (5 sessions) and put him on a waiting list for local mentoring. He was doing sports, he was very popular, and we continued to follow guidance and advice for setting boundaries, gentle parenting, and how to make sure our other sons were not adversely affected and left out.

Fast forward to 2024. DS behaviour rapidly getting more and more out of control. Running away, refusing to come home, abusive messages, abusive behaviour inside the home (holes in doors, walls, vandalism), many MANY calls to the police and missing persons reports, bunking from school, suspensions, one arrest, behavioural contract with the police... and the support and advice we get is to maintain boundaries. Gentle parenting. Keep calling the police. We'll refer him for an ADHD assessment, but that will take years. So we save for an ADHD assessment and get it booked in for next month (waiting list - even for private). We get him a mentor. We try to work with CAMHS but they want to discharge him and wait for assessment. We speak to the police. I even called Social Services and safeguarding organisations on myself - we need help. What can we do to help our son? How can we ensure our other two are not affected or traumatised by what is happening?

I get asked, multiple times - am I looking for benefits? Am I searching for carers allowance? No. I receive no benefits. I work full time from home so I can be available at the drop of a hat. DH also works full time. This is not about benefits - why are these questions more important than getting help for my son?

Fast forward to the last three days. Son has demanded a lift somewhere. Husband has said no - i am in bed seriously ill, DH is making dinner for our 7 year old DS - and it's late. Son hits the roof and sends 38 abusive voice notes - now threatening to stab my husband (his DF) in the neck, and more and more abuse. DH ignores the messages, not wanting to escalate things, and we call the police to report this. We also, report him missing by this stage because he is in the middle of a massive hyper cycle and this is when he gets more reckless with his own safety.

Next day - abusive messages continue. Threatens to sleep on the streets. Refuses to come home - despite gentle parenting. Go looking for him. Nothing. Call thenpolice, report missing, and they find him a friends house to stay at so we know he's safe.

Yesterday - DH collects DS from friends house and brings him home to talk to him calmly. Offer support. Hyper cycle is wearing down. DS walks straight back out of the door saying he wants to die. DH immediately goes to look for him, can't find him. I call Social Services and the Police. Social Services won't do anything. Police file missing persons report. Third time in three days. DH - in the middle of me making the report, receives a message from DS saying goodbye and a bridge. We are frantic. DH races in the car to stop him, im screaming at the police on the phone to help. He gets there in time because a couple walking sees DS in the bridge and stop him. Trying to talk him down.

Police come to the house, offer so much support. Help me make a plan for what our next steps should be. Give me a crime number so Social Services will start helping with safeguarding. Tell me to call 111 to get urgent mental health support for DS.

111 Book an appointment for DS to go the A&E and see Mental Health professionals. Very concerned. We go to A&E. DS is agitated, angry, and keeps saying he just wants to die. Nurses in A&E are amazing. We wait, in a room because he is starting to swear, punch walls and kick off that he doesn't want to be there. Mental Health workers come in, kick me out, so they can speak to him. Amazing. We're finally getting somewhere. Or so I thought. I go back into the room - they tell me we're being discharged, they're going to make a plan with CAMHS and I will hear from them in 7-10 days. Keep an eye on your son. They will inform GP and school. That's it.

If you got this far - thank you. But also - what the ever living hell?! Is that it? Your son is suicidal - wait 7-10 days and we'll have the ever useless CAMHS to support. Is that all there is?

OP I am very sorry you have to go through this. I agree with a previous poster that a private psychiatrist appointment resulting in a prescription may be the answer, even if it’s not a full ADHD/AHD assessment, the assessment should not be the prerequisite for that. Therapy and other support should also be in the mix of course but it looks like you have a strong case for medication. One of my DC struggled as well, not to the same extent but enough to get me very worried and I found CAMHS, even when engaged at highest level, was no real help. It wasn’t until we travelled to a European country where the approach is much more different that we got things moving in the right direction. Maybe that’s a possibility for you as well. There are Eastern European countries where the cost of consultations, assessments and follow up therapy is a fraction of the UK cost and very easily accessible (days), fully qualified, licensed and trained and many of them speaking excellent English. Maybe that’s an option for you if you are able to manage the hassle of travel. Or insist with private UK consultant to move you up the waiting list due to urgency and do not leave the appointment without a prescription - in many cases the medication does make a massive difference within a few weeks. Wishing you the best

Maybe start giving him loads of coffee or red bull etc? Stimulants do help loads with ADHD so this does make sense.

Gently OP, your title isn't what happened. Your son didn't attempt suicide, he used the threat of suicide to manipulate. I'm not saying he doesn't have MH probs or needs support. And I know you must be incredibly stressed and worried x

Thank you for sharing that. I have just asked the GP for some sleep medication for him to help regulate him there, but they won't do anything without CAMHS say so. I will be pushing this with CAMHS today.

Especially having all boys, we never force them to open up, but will be present and open with them when they do want to talk or ask questions (about literally anything) and try to encourage them to speak. Taking them for drives so they don't have to look at us but just have the space to talk. My husband is amazing at doing that with them. Thank you for sharing - this is helpful

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. My adult son has ASD and ADHD it took me years to get the assessment. He was clearly unwell mentally, his GP was useless and refused to refer to psychiatric services as he though his illness was manageable by the surgery. CAMHS did nothing when he was a child, even refusing to check for ADHD.
My son decided 2 years ago that it wasn't worthwhile living and is very lucky to be alive today. I won't say what he did. He had 1 night in hospital and was apparently OK to come home. No, it wasn't! It's taken almost 2 years for them to assess him for ADHD, they are still considering whether he needs a full psychiatric assessment, despite a CPN saying that he does. It's just a mess. There is no continuity of care, no one listens, he's been dismissed as' just' being autistic. I've had to put in an official complaint to get anywhere. I'm sorry, I really can't advise you what to do. Unless it's just to keep on advocating for your son, to complain and to ask the police to send reports about their involvement. Mental health services are the pits. And, yes, we were told that it wasn't worthwhile referring to them because the wait would be too long! I mean for crying out loud!

U.K. medical people are a nightmare to get melatonin out of.

We ordered it online.

Helped one child, not the other. Some kids it has no impact on.

We would need 4 "authorities" to agree. Social services - who last weekend told me to pull up my big girl pants and be a parent, CAMHS who are not fit for purpose, the GP who just suggested hay-fever medication instead of sleeping pills to help him sleep and the school who have quite frankly given up. He would also need to commit a crime to get police to push this. I do not want to criminalise my son, I want him to not hurt anyone and no one else wants to help.

I have no advise as the mental health services are so inadequate. If you can afford private please do it. Public just seem to miss the host

CAMHS is struggling to a point where it will break soon. I have worked 20 plus years for CAMHS and demand is overwhelming and we have been told to cut 15% of our budget this financial year. Result - people leaving and not being replaced and thresholds for treatment being raised and raised.
I've been where you are OP with my son. Multiple suicide attempts and complete disregulation - you are protecting factors and scaffolding for your son - I'm sorry you are being let down by a service I was once so proud to work for.

This is such a mess. My boy was committed for 2 weeks after that he told them he felt great. They just told him enjoy life. No more support. I paid for therapy when it fell apart

Is the hay-fever tablet called promethazine?

I've seen great results from antihistamines for sleep

Can you help him get some better friends and more structure? Boys like this can really benefit from physical hobbies that require structure and discipline, e.g. Cadets, martial arts, boxing.

I'm so sorry. It's stressful and gut wrenching.

We had decent support from one particular team at CAHMs which made a difference. I reckon I would think they were not fit for purpose too if my son didn't get to engage with this one particular person and team- he was later moved to a different team and cycled through multiple people and absolutely none of them 'worked'. If you are already engaged with CAHMs, any way you can switch around and try and find someone that 'works' better for your son?? (And before I get jumped on, I know (all too well) that this may not be possible.....)

I didn't have a lot of experience navigating the NHS prior to my child trying to kill themselves. It's complex to navigate.

His discharge is not reflective of the seriousness of his condition, merely the overcapacity of NHS mental health.

When he was in hospital did he see a psychiatrist and what was his diagnosis?

I’d be wary of posters making glib claims that this was not an attempt but a threat/manipulation. If the couple hadn’t intervened and DH hadn’t got there quickly we don’t know what would have happened, and next time he may simply jump. It’s very difficult to predict which patients with suicidal ideation will go through with it.

Re: caffeine - yes. Have a look online there is a lot of info about caffeine assisting to calm and focus with ADHD. Anecdotally, friends with ADHD teens have definitely found this to be true. I hope you get serious help soon. It all sounds exceptionally difficult.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not your fault that people have been voting for governments who continue to cut investment in public services. But what help do you think there is? All services are completely overstretched, there are thousands of teens in every area of the UK requiring help and just no resources to help most of them. I think the only solution is probably private residential care, but this isn't affordable for most and should not need to be the answer.

Hay fever tablets. Christ.
I've got some melatonin that I got over the counter in America. It does nothing for my insomnia. I'll happily post it to you if you want OP? If you think it may help.

He was playing rugby twice a week - and then just stopped because his other friends didn't do it (they do nothing). We kept pushing him to finish what he started, finish out the season - but he had no interest and im worried we pushed too hard. We would make him come with us anyway on Sundays - as his brothers also play. He did mixed martial arts - but again didn't enjoy it. We looked into boxing - but we're worried about his own lack of discipline and decision making and with him already fighting people randomly when hes out - we didn't want to tool him with how to hit better etc. I would normally go for boxing for the discipline that it does bring - but he won't listen to it. He won't adhere to the rules outside of the ring. We have a punching bag in the garden for him to vent frustration on, but can't make that leap until we're sure he won't use skills to hurt others. Seriously trying to account for all outcomes with every decision we make.

Try a non team sport.

Climbing? Requires problem solving (for active mind) plus physical strength.

Also a lot of other sports (eg swimming, tennis, football etc) he won't be at the same expertise level as peers of his age...(Which may matter to him....).

op, do you have any private healthcare,
like Bupa? Sorry if it seems like a stupid question, but I didn't realise we could use ours for ongoing private therapy for our daughter. (and choose the therapist we wanted, who lived in our town and could see us when we preferred))

He saw their mental health team there, no psychologist or doctors. And the plan is to just share with CAMHS to expedite more support.

This wasn't a threat or manipulation. This was very different. He has sliced his chest, his arms and self harmed and threatened before - but this was more. He was catatonic afterwards. Police tried to engage with him and speak to him calmly without us in the room. They felt it was serious. Other posters can say that it wasn't an attempt - I know what happened and I understand why they are saying it - but this was different.

I have trained as a MH first aider for work and to try to get a better understanding of signs to look for in my own team and organisation - not to be a psychiatrist or diagnose because that's not what it is - but to recognise signs, signpost help, better understand mental health. I have seen all sorts over the years - but I am not a professional. When I try to look at my son objectively - there is a real risk to life here and I just sound like a serious case of crazy, over protective mother to professionals it seems.

@fatandhappyxxx I'm sorry for the loss of your son. Your post made me cry. Sending light to you. X

I'm sorry OP, this sounds very frightening.

This might not be at all achievable in your finanicall/work/family circumstances but when my niece was behaving similarly my sister decided drastic change was needed and took her to south america, with a bit volunteering together in a school. I realise the HUGE privelige of this! But it was a full stop on the behaviour, a chance to think and be close again, a break from phones and friends, and a rest for other family members. And importanty stopped their MH being the sole topic of discussion. She was a different person when she came back. Are there any small ways you can think to break the cycle of escalation perhaps?

No - and I have looked into this at length. Despite both of us working - cost of living is a nightmare. Because of trying to safeguard and give our sons their own spaces - because it is alot here - they all have their own rooms and so it's expensive. Trying to find the right insurance that doesn't cost the world is a struggle. I will look again into Bupa though

Do you have the resources to take him to a private psychiatrist? They should diagnose him in 1-2 appts, ADHD takes longer, but that’s not the only issue here.

Would it be feasible to change schools and try and get him away from this bunch of boys?