I hate my MIL and the further into my pregnancy the worse it gets.

[AmberSquid]

For some context, my MIL and I have had a rocky relationship to say the least. She is an alcoholic with additional pain killer and weed addictions. All of which I’m completely understanding of as I know it’s a disease. I do struggle with her lack of want to get help and support with these issues despite constantly being offered it. She has a very strong “I am the way I am” attitude that I struggle to understand. But that’s not even the biggest issue.
She is a massive narcissist, liar, manipulator and constantly oversteps boundaries and does not care who she hurts in the process. She has mental health issues but if she feels bad everyone around her needs to feel bad too. If she has wasted her money on drink she will guilt and manipulate my partner until he gives in and gives her money. She is so entitled and expects things to be handed to her I.e for me to drive her place to place despite me being 30 weeks pregnant.
she makes promises to my partner and never follows through on them but he’s a giant mummies boy and just lets her away with so much bad behaviour.

I won’t go into too much detail about the specifics scenarios that have occurred in the last few years due to anonymity but trust me that this has been an issue for a long time.

Ultimately I think our personalities just clash. She is selfish, loud and abrasive and I am the complete opposite of this. I don’t think she’s a bad person but I think her choices and characteristics are less than perfect.

The issue I’m having is I cannot STAND being around her. She constantly touches my stomach after being told not to, she has consistently tried to convince my partner not to move in with me when baby comes, and makes comments about my unborn daughter that just make me really uncomfortable.
I don’t like being around her but it is really important to my partner that we get along. If it were up to me I would not have her anywhere near my child but I would obviously never do that because 1. It’s my baby’s grandmother and 2. She means so much to my partner. I don’t trust her at all and the closer to my baby arriving the more anxious I am towards being around her.

I have spoke to my partner about this but it usually leads to him getting upset and reiterating how important it is for us to get along. I just cannot stand her and I don’t want a personal relationship with her but am I being unreasonable for thinking that?

It's completely up to you. You don't have to associate with her at all. In fact if she's a heavy smoker then I'd say its bad for you and babies health to be around her.

I wouldn't be driving her anywhere or wasting any time on her. And alcoholic druggie isn't someone who you want around your baby. Blood relation or not.

OP your partner's mother is his problem. He knows she's a dysfunctional addict and expects you to kowtow to her.

You don't have to. You're an adult and it's your responsibility for who you let into your life. You don't have to give her lifts and you don't have to see her.

I wouldn't want a dysfunctional addict around my child. Especially one that doesn't have appropriate boundaries.

Explain to your partner that you've had enough and no longer want to deal with her. That he can obviously continue his relationship with her but you'd rather not be involved.

You and your child should come first in your partner's life. You need to put your foot down and if that's a dealbreaker for him, well that's too bad.

Getting along is a two way street. Your partner isn’t asking her to listen to what you want and need is he? He just wants an easy life with you facilitating shit for his mum so he doesn’t have to. Start saying no and don’t put up with it. If you can move away, do that. She doesn’t sound like someone you want or need around your kid.

This is not going to end well. Your partner needs to step up and put a stop to this NOW and make his mother listen, or it's only going to get worse.

You don't have to deal with her, as someone else said, she is his problem not yours. If she starts becoming more intrusive then it might be time to tell your partner to pick who he's going to stick with, because it won't get any better.

You would be totally reasonable to never go over to see her and drastically limit any time you spend together at all. Your big problem is going to be that your partners relationship with her will be complex. You need to keep clear boundaries, neither of them will be used to that.

Some mummy's boys eventually find the scales fall from their eyes and they start to stand up to her. Most don't. And yours sounds well and truly entrenched.

Ask him why she doesn't have to do anything to smooth things over and it's all on you. And ask yorself which would be least painful - being a single parent or carrying on in the relationship with DP and his mother.

Does he live with her?

I don't think that contact with your MIL will be good for your baby. Her addictions and behaviour make her an unsafe person for you and your baby.

I can't believe that she still touches your stomach when you have told her not to. I would have lost my temper before by now.

Unfortunately, If you go no contact with his mother, your partner will be really unhappy and you may break up over this. You need to explain the risk that his mother poses to you and your baby and hope that he will understand.

Why are you so involved with her? I quite like my MIL, despite her not being that keen on me, but I probably saw her about three times during my pregnancy.

Well, for a start, I'd be moving her hand away the second she made as if to touch my bump. "Please, MIL, I have asked you not to do that."

If your DH wants to enable/facilitate her, he can crack on but you don't have to participate. If she asks you to take her places, you need to practise saying, "sorry, I'm not available."

I would be more worried about your partners impaired judgment when it comes to his mum. When she starts asking to babysit, is he going to put pressure on you to leave your child alone with this woman?

The Mumsnet classic I'm afraid - you have a DP problem. Given you don't live together, is him moving in worth it?

She is too unsafe to be around your child. I’d cut contact now and set firm boundaries with your child.

I'd not have narcissistic alcohol and drug addict near my child.

Why are you having a baby with someone you don’t live with? How do you know that your relationship is going to work out, surely you should be building up the relationship before the baby is born, are you only good enough to live with if you have his baby? Be prepared for him to say his mum won’t let him move in with you even when the baby is born, his mum will be a convenient excuse for him.
ignore her your problem, as is usually the case, is with him.

Sounds like your partners is OK for you to be upset but cant cope with his DM being upset. This isnt a good sign for a happily ever after relationship between the two of you.

How can you change this? Well you camt change how his DM behaves, only she can. You cant change how your partner behaves,only he can. What you can change is what you say and how you behave.

In a moment that isnt fraught, tell your partner what you wont accept from MiL and the consequences for her and him if she persists and if he tries to bully/guilt you into complying…and mean it

Then the next time MIL crosses the line, tell her very firmly no. Then when you partner tries to step in, follow through on your consequences for him. You have to draw a line in the sand or this mess will continue and worsen for the next 50 years to your detriment. You might find that a short sharp shock to your partner right now will snap him out of his FOG and get him thinking clearly about his DM.

google Fear Obligation and Guilt. There are very good books on it, but I cant remember their names right now.

@AmberSquid pretty much time to say her or me , I am afraid!!

Why are you having a baby with this person?
What is the point?
His mother is awful and he is a weak waster?
You have unfortunately chosen badly, will have nothing but stress and upset ahead of you, and for what?
Its not worth the stress.

Do you live near her? My first thought was that it’s much easier to get on with somone difficult if you see them less often and have a bit of space/distance between you? …but not so much distance that she has to stay overnight in order to visit, obvs.

Its very hard, the reality is that she is not going to change. You may have to have a difficult conversation with your partner about protecting your child from her more problematic behaviours and what boundaries you need to put in place in order for a relationship with her to work.

If he is not willing to talk about it now, you might find that, once your daughter is born he will prioritize her over defending his mum?