MIL potential spending addiction

[YourOpalLion]

Hi everyone,
I am looking for some insights and others opinions as I am a bit unsure of how to proceed.
Before I go into it I know this is DH mother and not mine so maybe it isn't my business etc, but I am worried about DH and would like to help him as he is needing and wanting support from me and I am not sure the best way to go around things and just looking for others thoughts.
DH was helping his mother giving her money for bills etc. She is on a high paying job but blows all her money on payday with shopping sprees. I become pregnant (baby now 6 months old) and we decided to save as much as we could of course for everything baby needs and to support us for my mat leave as reduced income etc. He told MIL he could not provide funds to her anymore and she needed to take control of her spending etc. He offered to help her budget etc however she responded very angrily and led to a massive argument. Through the pregnancy she continually asked him for money and I mean substantial amounts despite affording holidays and a new phone for over £1000 as well as other things. This led to a lot of stress and conflict and now they are not on speaking terms. She has not met her grandchild. She found out through his sister that we have a childminder arranged for when I am back at work for 2 days and she called him and was angry as she thinks we should have asked her and paid her rather than a childminder etc. This led to DH blocking her completely. I am not a psychologist or qualified to make a diagnosis or anything but I am concerned she might have a spending addiction as to me this is not rational behaviour at all and I cant understand it. We are not well off or anything and don't really have hundreds to spare every month to give away especially not for someone else to go on holiday etc.
DH sister is concerned about her mum as she is now being asked for money too. DH is concerned and is going to go round and try speak with his mum, but not sure if he should push for her to try and receive some psychological help.
MIL has view that as he is her son he should be supporting her financially and she does not have a spending problem.

Please be kind as I am genuinely torn up about this situation and I know I am not qualified to diagnose anything it is just DH is asking my opinion and I was hoping to see others take on this. I really want to support and help my partner as he is torn too but im not sure what to advise. Thank you.

His mum sees him as a cash cow and will continue to drain his bank account unless he stops giving her money.

Of course she'll throw a tantrum; she's not getting her own way and her free cash flow has stopped.

I suggest your husband doesn't go to see her as she'll manipulate him into giving her money again.

I don't know if it's a spending addiction -- or more just having someone else to fund the lifestyle you can't afford on your own. You and your DH just need to stand firm. Since you say you don't have the money to blow on her extra expenses, she's taking opportunities away from your baby by taking money from you. Without the extra funds, she'll just learn to rein it in. You could consider paying her to child mind in limited circumstances (if you want to deal with that) or she could get another job.

Maybe not just a spending issue, but a more general personality disorder or mental health problem. Has she always behaved badly towards him or is this new? He can insist on her seeing a psychologist or counsellor, it would probably do her good. But he can't force her obviously. It is good he is refusing to give her money.

@ThatLimeCat she has always been pushy for him to give her money. Before we moved in together he lived at home and paid all the household bills, but when he moved out he couldnt do this anymore as we had our place to pay for. This caused a bit of a row but he decided he still wanted to help her a little. In my opinion she has financially taken advantage for a long time but I never wanted to get too involved as long as it didnt affect me. But of course baby changes everything and he wants to put his money towards baby rather than his mum. She was always quite disrespectful to him in general the way she spoke to him etc but I didnt make an issue as just my opinion. We never really had a lot to do with her before all this due to lack of time to meet up etc with work and she never really called him unless after money. He never really called either as everytime he did she would ask for money etc. I tried not to get too involved unless my opinion was asked etc and she was always ok towards me. We never got on particularly well like not friendly but always civil.

If your husband finds that his mum is battling debt he can recommend she call Stepchange or Christians Against Poverty (CAP) for free debt advice - you don't have to be Christian to contact CAP. She should avoid organisations that charge for debt advice.

I wouldn't touch his mothers offer to childmind for payment with a barge pole. She sounds very unstable and unreliable.

That's really tough. I'm sorry she behaves like that, it's not good. You are right to think she's been taking advantage of him. I think this kind of behaviour (mum treating kids as breadwinners) is unfortunately quite common.

It sounds like your husband has good sense to refuse to give her money now, and a very convincing reason not to. Keep backing him up in it, and as you said, try to stay out of it. I'd avoid badmouthing his mother to him as well - not saying you are doing this but just be cautious to avoid a 'me vs your mum' mindset. Counselling for her sounds like a good idea but you may need to just deal with her behaviour. It would be a good idea to share finances as well (share an account) to keep him accountable - he may feel pressured to give her money again in the future, especially as she gets older. I'm sorry I don't have better advice - this is a tough situation and I feel for you and your husband.

Just point out to him that your funds are not infinite, that what he gives her takes away from your own family. Also get the sister to support you in this. Mum is manipulative unfortunately and you need a united front to get her to see reason

“MIL has view that as he is her son he should be supporting her financially…”

yeah about that… absolutely no f*cking way.

@YourOpalLion maybe it isn't my business etc it most certainly is you business if he is using family money to fund his mother!
if she works in a high paying job, when would she be able to childmind to enable you to work???
was your husband's sister previously aware that your husband had been giving his mum money to pay bills? if so, was she just happy that she wasnt be asked for money??
I genuinely do not think it is a good idea to go round to his mum's in case she becomes abusive and aggressive and then accuses him of threatening or hitting her and calls the police!!!!
perhaps a few debt collection letters might be what she needs to give her head a wobble!!
he need to cut all the apron strings now!!

thats not true though is it, as she is now asking his sister. I suspect that "A real son/man would support his mother!" was just more manipulation.

I suspect her view is that someone, anyone, else should be supporting her financially.

She seems to be, from what you say, single. So what were her finances like before she became single? How did she become single? Does she own property and if so, did she pay for it?

Sounds like she has never actually had to take responsibility and is about to totally lose her shit (google extinction burst) when she realises that her line of credit within her family really has dried up. She probably owes money right left and centre to friends and is about to hit rock bottom. Thats where the panic is coming from.

ETA sorry was agreeing with "no fucking way" but the rest was for the OP!

I've been in the same situation, apart from it was my own mother. Even through my pregnancies she would ask for money. I paid all of her bills including mortgage which was thankfully small at the time. She paid no bills at all, I even paid for food. She acted helpless after my dad died and put the guilt trip on.

In the end I started to give her bills back, helping her set direct debit up etc, she was very against this at the beginning but over time she's taken them all back (excluding mortgage, she rents now, long story). I paid her bills for over 10 years.

I had to put my foot down in the end, it was causing arguments with DH. Don't get me wrong she still calls me asking for money but I manage her better, and manage her expectations, but £10 here and there is much better than what I was paying which was near on £1500 a month at the time.

It will be really difficult to change her mindset, there could be multiple reasons for what she's doing, like what others have said; living beyond means, maybe even gambling who knows, I doubt she will own up to the reason.

My mother is addicted to scratch cards is what I discovered, as well as lottery. On top of that I think she was lending people money.

Your DH needs to stuck to his decision and not give in to giving money, at the end of the day he won't be appreciated any more by his mum is what I'm guessing.

Hope you get sorted, it's a stressful situation to be in.

I don’t think she has a spending addiction I think she’s just an entitled cow. My MIL unfortunately has a relative who has her whole life paid for by her son and she’s tried for years to get my DH to pay for her in a similar way, he won’t because he said she doesn’t need any more money to live on (and although she’s not wealthy she has a mortgage free home and a decent monthly income from several pensions) she’s a tight as a tick and spends nothing. Obviously if she had a large unexpected bill or cost for something he wouldn’t see her struggle but I’m grateful for his no- nonsense approach and it’s about time your DH cut his Mum off financially. He can’t bear parents who ‘expect’ their children to pay for them. She doesn’t even sound like she deserves it.

Are there any cultural factors which might have led her to expect that your dh would support her? Not that it excuses her entitlement but might explain it.

Please be kind as I am genuinely torn up about this situation and I know I am not qualified to diagnose anything it is just DH is asking my opinion and I was hoping to see others take on this. I really want to support and help my partner as he is torn too but im not sure what to advise. Thank you.

You don't need to be a psychologist to identify that someone has a problem that is impacting the wellbeing of others but that they are not taking responsibility for it.

In my opinion, 'spending addiction' is just psychologist-speak for 'selfish asshole whose ego is founded on alleviating boredom and flaunting status symbols', just as 'narcissistic personality disorder' is psychologist-speak for 'selfish asshole whose ego is founded on everyone validating them as superior'.

Perhaps I am a cynic but more than two years of intensive therapy did nothing to alleviate my ex's diagnosed 'spending addiction' because he doesn't fundamentally think there's anything wrong with him parasiting off others for essentials while simultaneously squandering money on endless luxuries for himself.

When someone is so self-absorbed that they can't accept that their own blatantly irresponsible behaviour harms both themselves and others, they are beyond intervention by others.

As long as someone is stuck in insisting that they have a right to behave as selfishly as they like, all you can do is draw strong boundaries of your own and leave them to it, to hopefully experience the natural consequences of their choices.

My mum was unmedicated and undiagnosed for most of her life and when she eventually drove herself bankrupt she turned to us (we had no idea she was in massive debt due to overspending). I’ve given her enough money that I could be well into a mortgage… I’m in social housing instead and work 2 jobs (one FT, one PT). My brother’s partner of 20 years just had enough and walked out and honestly I don’t blame her. Save yourself, girl.

If your MIL refuses to get help for whatever it is (my mum eventually got diagnosed with schizophrenia but I’m still not 100% convinced there wasn’t more going on), also don’t enable it. No amount of money will ever satisfy her, but when push comes to shove she’ll know how to look after herself. In a weird way, they’re survivors and will latch on to what they can.

I just cut her off as a New Year’s resolution and within a week my mum was reaching out to her social worker to help her. I should have done this 10+ years ago.

I agree with @Miaminmoo wrt not having a spending addiction but being entitled. I'm going to use the word narcissist and I'm not doing an online diagnosis but aspects of her behaviour seem to point that way. I'm not saying she is a narcissist but she definitely has narcissistic tendencies. She hasn't met her grandchild but is angry that she can't get to be the childminder so that she can make money from it. Not to see your child, not because she wants to be a part of your child's life but because she wants more money. Your DH and her haven't been talking and that's all down to money. So, if he doesn't give her money he's of no use to her?

I can't see any good that will come of him going to see her. She doesn't see her children - or grandchildren - as anything other than free money and if the free money dries up she doesn't want to know which she has proven ever since your husband started saying no to her. It's horrible and it's really sad but I bet your life has been better without her constantly manipulating your husband into giving her money, which sees you and him probably not going on expensive holidays and buying £1k phones while she is!

You're a good person but I don't think there is anything you can do to make this right. She's the only person who could do that and she's not going to because she doesn't care about anyone but herself and she's probably written a script in her own head where she is the victim in all of this.

She needs to want to help herself which she clearly doesn't and nothing will change until she does..I agree, going round she will just manipulate him and other siblings.. offer services that can help but do not let her throw her weight around. She needs to get a grip and gaslighting you both doesn't help. I would let her be if she doesn't want help, you have enough to worry about. It sounds like your husband is pretty switched on thankfully