Christmas guests drama

[ThelittleBee]

Had two couples staying with me and DH over Christmas, as like last year. One of the couples this year spent the entirety of Christmas day, Boxing day and the day after in full meltdown having arguments, crying, storming out on each other (we are all 30's). They flew in from a different country to join us so its not like they could just go home. They went away for a few days to visit family and all seemed good until they returned for a BBQ and then continued to spend the evening in a deep and very teary conversation in the front room while DH was outside cooking, resulting in us eating alone while she cryed and he looked awkward in the front room. They have had a stressful time since recently moving overseas with finding good work, housing and establishing themselves but AIBU to think that they should have known better then to bring that drama into a very busy very public Christmas with around 12 guests. I did ask if she/ he was ok and needed anything but they just kept saying they will be fine just needed to talk to each other. I cant help but feel I have been on eggshells in my own home for the last few weeks and although they apologized when leaving, it feels like my time off with friends has been ruined by their drama and inability to have these dramas back home or not in front of a group of people trying to enjoy the holidays! AIBU? Should I bring this up to friend as they are expecting to see us in a month when we go to visit our family in the country they now live and I feel like I don't want to spend more time going over the same things again?

I think I'd ask one, or both of them separately, if they are ok? As this is not normal behaviour so surely something seismic must have happened?
And I'd hope that would give them a chance to apologise profusely whilst they are giving some explanation. I can't believe neither of them took you aside during Christmas and said 'sorry but x has happened and we are struggling' even if they didn't go into details. You can't ruin someone else's Christmas in their own home and not even reference it surely? Terrible behaviour.

Really awful behaviour and i’d have been very uncomfortable. I would definitely decline meeting up.

they were terrible guests but perhaps things were so bad between them they were unable to behave well to you and the other guests. They’ve apologised. If you’re not wanting to see them when you visit their home country, you could say that Xmas was stressful and you just want to see family this time.

As it will be a meet up that you can leave whenever you want to, I would go. If they kick off again, just say that you’re not doing that again and leave. But I would feel somewhat resentful of their behaviour when they visited you. Do you? Is that why you are reluctant to see them?

Although it won’t be much consolation, they must feel you are very good close friends to think it was ok to have such a personal meltdown at your home. Either that or they are incredibly ignorant of normal social behaviour in which case, I’d probably fade them out completely

I would have kicked them out tbh.

And I certainly wouldn't be visiting them after that.

YADNBU to be annoyed with them YABVVVVU to only be addressing this now! You should've given them an ultimatum after the second instance of wild arguments - the second instance being the first indication that they clearly don't care where they are.....

Last year at Christmas my step mother died from cancer and my father tried to commit suicide. I was a mess.

I had to keep everything together while coking a meal for my in-laws, husband and step children.

I didn’t succeed in keeping things together very well.

Have you bothered to find out what happened for these people who felt they were welcome guests in your home ?

YABU to have left it so long and allowed it to impact you or anyone else around you.

YANBU to not use anymore free time in their company.

I would have to say it because I would be so annoyed. It's a lot of work to host a bit group and to accommodate overnight guests. They should not have come if they couldn't rein it in.

My dsis behaves like this and always has. People react sympathetically because they think it's a one-off but I know she just doesn't care how it impacts everyone else.

If this was one dinner where perhaps something horrible had come to light then my reply would be different but this was prolonged and repeated. They treated you badly. I'd have to say it calmly and briefly that I didn't appreciate being treated like that.

Whoa! Very sorry you went through that, but OP did say she pulled one of them aside to ask what was going on and that it was stress from moving, so not quite sure what your point is? And presumably if it was something as heavy as that, they'd have known and been sympathetic

This. I assume that your friends are having a very difficult time and it sounds like this is out of character. I can’t see any point in trying to make them demonstrate contrition and beg your forgiveness. I don’t think they were purposely visiting to ruin your Christmas.

yes they did make things uncomfortable, however I am not sure that it was their intention. If you are a real friend look past this, if they have done their dash, do the fade.

I would go with this.

They had family in this country, why didn't you ask them to leave or at least not return after they went away to visit family? I don't understand how people can be such people pleasers to their own detriment.

Don’t meet up with them.
I would be very honest and tell them you felt like you were walking on eggshells in your own house at Christmas and you don’t want to be a front row spectator to their drama again soon. Tell them it was appalling and disrespectful.
There are a lot of things they could have done while staying with you to avoid this (book a hotel, one of them go the family, go to a park /beach to have their arguments in private…) but they didn’t so they clearly had little respect for you by having all these teary rows in your house. They should not have ruined other people’s Christmas with their appalling behaviour. You should have asked them to leave the first day this drama happened.

In a nutshell, this stupid couple ruined Christmas for everyone. Just ignore friend and let them get on with it.

Presumably they had a) a private bedroom space and b) coats and the capacity to take their discussions on a walk away from everyone else…

totally totally unacceptable behaviour in company - even more appalling given they were being hosted alongside other guests.

Ideally you would have dealt with it more assertively in the moment. But for now I think a message saying

‘I’m sorry you guys are having a tough time at the moment, It rather overwhelmed our Christmas break if I’m honest and we’re going to use this trip as a recharge’

then either reach out next time, or don’t…

I would have said. "We have guests , please take the drama outside we don't want to spoil anyone's Christmas. I'd you can't behave then please take this elsewhere

I have done this several times

I am sorry for you. Your husband should have been more understanding and told your ILs not to come.

The couple should have gone for a walk and you should have told them that.

What if they were already there when it happened step mother death might have been unexpected. If they had come by train no trains on Christmas Day

I think it's different when someone is distressed but trying their best for the sake of others who they are spending a special occasion with and those who don't even try to restrain their emotional outbursts. The former is a case of sometimes shit happens but the second is disrespectful.