To question my parenting

[Blahblah86]

I have two DD, one in key stage 1 and the other in key stage 2.

One has addition needs the other does not.

I had a shitty childhood, due to that I'm aware I over compensate and at times, am a complete walk over (it's a slow work in progress)

My husband has Autism and is emotionally black and white. I think I'm more emotionally understanding and can relate to thier worries more, not due to him having Autism but from previous experience and remembering having all these new emotions and not knowing how to handle them.

On the rare occasion he does drop off, the kids go in fine, no tears or refusing, however, when I do drop off there's always tears and my younger one refuses to go in, will cling to the fence etc. They both say they don't want to leave me.

My eldest struggled during lockdown and really only feels safe when she's with me - won't go for sleepovers at my parents etc as she doesn't want to be away from me. She's having therapy to try and work on her confidence.

I spoke to the SENCO at the school and they said said that it's because I'm my children's safe place, my biggest worry is that I've done this (obviously unintentionally) there are so many children that just go in fine and i dont understand why mine don't. I know my youngest can struggle with transition but today they've both been very emotional all day, they were still up at 10.30, lots of tears and saying they don't want to go to school.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that atleast one of them will refuse to go in every day, middle of the term, beginning or end, every day. The school are supportive and have put things in place to help ie colouring when they go in etc. I don't get cross, I'm very reassuring that I'm coming back. I've tried everything, drawing love hearts, pocket bears, leaving earlier for school so they have more transition time, getting up earlier for the same reason, the evening before we stick to the same routine - very relaxing things, I've tried reward charts, treats and everything else myself and the school can think of.

There's no other underlining issue, no bullying or any other reason they don't want to go into school.

Has anyone else been through this?

Sorry for the emotional rant.

Is there any way your husband can take over more of the drop offs?

I would try and keep things breezy and not pander to them at drop off - be firm and cheerful 'You have to go to school because you need to learn and see your friends' and 'I'll see you this afternoon, love you' and beat a hasty retreat - don't drag it out, drop them and leave as quickly as possible.

Very sensible. School is school. It’s a fact of life and non negotiable.
Would be much better if dad could do most or all drop-offs for now.

Thank you for the replies.

Unfortunately my dh can't as he works shifts in London and leaves by 6 most days. He has only done drop off when I've been ill or on training.

I will try breezy but firm tomorrow, thank you.

Try being very clear, "your name's on the school list with the other children, so you need to go in to register with them". Repeat this simple message in a matter-of-fact way. No other discussions or feeding their concerns. Focus on school as something they just do.

Be matter of fact

"Well mummy can't stay here, I have some very boring jobs to do and have to go to work / do the shopping. Im looking forward to seeing you later and hearing all about your day. bye bye darlings"

If they still cling on then a quick and breezy "ok let's have a quick bear hug. Ready...5...4...3...2...1! Right off you pop DC Ms X is waiting for you"

Also are you going in at the same time as your husband, sometimes arriving first can help so others are gradually coming into their space rather than them going into a busy one

Sounds really hard. My friend had a child who really struggled at drop off but grew out of it, as they felt more secure at school. Long holidays don't help.
Do you talk to them about what will happen, or KS2 kid could write the routine down themselves? Stim toys? 2 minute pity party?