Why does he do this? (Strained relationship with father - still, always)

[LatteOneShotplease]

So - as instructed by him - I make very few attempts to be in touch; he lives in Canada and I have not seen them since a lunch in 2016. He has written several nasty letters, that I have talked about on here. In the end, I have basically given up; although sent a message or two earlier this year - but after one of them was seemingly delivered, subsequent ones didn't go through, and the number I called failed too - except, when I tried from a different phone, it did connect.
Very low -key, I decided to try sending a Christmas card (I usually do) to the address I had, but was probably a bit late sending it, also a postal strike over there anyway. I didn't write much inside the card - and it was simply an "Across the Miles" one, I usually send one to A Special Couple or similar.

This is the message I received on 30 December.....

"Hello xxxxxx
How are things with you. No greetings from this year which I hope doesn't mean you're not well or incommunicado in some other way.
We had a postal strike this year so nobody's been sending or receiving cards.
We move out next week but don't take up residence at new house until end January. Bit inconvenient.
Did you have an enjoyable Christmas? Anyway keep in touch and let us know you're OK.
Love from Dad and Pxxxx"

I think I possibly was a bit sharp with my reaction, and his following text message reply to that was not great either. But I just don't understand why he seems to think that he can just pop up and poke at me when he feels like it, whilst (as he does in the next message) pointing out that my getting in touch him is futile anyway.

I do know that it's not "normal" - but even after all this time - a lifetime - I still don't feel equipped to cope with how he does this. it is as though the passage of time means nothing.

No -one to help in real life, do cannot wrap my head around whether or not I am being unreasonable to think that it's wrong.

"Hello xxxxxx
How are things with you. No greetings from this year which I hope doesn't mean you're not well or incommunicado in some other way.
We had a postal strike this year so nobody's been sending or receiving cards.
We move out next week but don't take up residence at new house until end January. Bit inconvenient.
Did you have an enjoyable Christmas? Anyway keep in touch and let us know you're OK.
Love from Dad and P
xxxx"

I'm sorry, but I'm not reading why you're annoyed at this message? It's not aggressive, it's not pokey. Why are you aggrieved by it?

Why are you so desperate to have a relationship with him if it causes you such emotional turmoil?

Yes, he’s just keeping you dangling.
it is a passive aggressive message. Ignore it.
im sorry it’s like this for you.

You're right - in itself it isn't (although kind of odd to remark on no greetings received when there's a postal strike) - but this man will not accept a call from me, make a call TO me, would not send me a card if he could, had not told me they were selling and moving, and yet complains that I don't do precisely what he has told me NOT to do....

I'm not "desperate".
But i deserve better.

You'll never win with someone like this in terms of having a regular relationship. He will do the push-pull behaviour because he does. Yes he'll make you feel like rubbish and at times you'll cry. Yes you deserve better, but it won't happen and this is the relationship because he won't change.
(Been there, own the Tshirt, no other answers except block him if it becomes so much you don't want to even just know he's alive anymore).

Stop trying to build bridges then and accept it for what it is.

Ah ok, you're right. I understand.

My answer would be that, tell him that.
you've asked me not to contact you, you will not accept a call from me, make a call TO me, would not send me a card if he could, had not told me they were selling and moving, and yet complains that I don't do precisely what he has told me NOT to do....

Are you wanting a relationship or is his ping ping just too upsetting?

Are you saying that your dad has told you not to contact him at all? I would be doing exactly that if that's what he's said. Yet you continue to try and contact him and send him cards - why are you doing this? It's very odd that he would text you what looks like a perfectly normal text if he's told you not to contact him. Are you sure it was from him and not sent by his partner?

@toomuchfaff

Well --- that's what I did; I think my response was a bit of a knee-jerk reaction, and hit Send too quickly. But, based on how it has been in recent years, I wrote this.. and his response follows, and mine to that.... and now all communication will cease I suppose. [I did get quite upset at his response, even though some may find it understandable?]

"Hello Dad ..... I sent messages but i believe I was blocked. I did ask you about moving, but there was no reply.... I also sent a card to the address I have in the hope it would be forwarded, even though I knew about the strike. Incommunicado is your MO, not mine. I have tried and tried, and all for nothing. I have been unwell, but would you care? "

He wrote back, a couple of days later - and as much as he always wants to comment on the five hour time difference, this one came to me at four in the morning.

"You have never been blocked by me. I do not look at text messages sometimes for weeks on end. emails are virtually my sole mode of written communication - a method you refuse to use.
And if I didn't care, as you say, I wouldn't have communicated at all, would I?
I am wrestling with 3 major health issues right now, two of which could end all communication for ever at very short notice.
If you insist on relying on text messages do not expect quick responses from me.
They take me five times as long to write as I cannot touch type on my cell phone."

He really does what he wants when HE wants, but no understanding or leeway for me.

No, he hasn't told me not to contact him - all terms are dictated by him - so -
I think it's only email that he deems acceptable (and would insist on) - and if I don't get in touch, he sends the above message. And it is NOT out of any concern for or interest in me.
Cards were allowed, maybe half-expected (Christmas, Birthdays and Father's Day), but not reciprocated.

If he is elderly and finds it easier to use email on a computer rather than texting, why wouldn't you email him instead?

I don't think you over reacted.

I'm not sure how I'd respond, so my response wouldn't be sent until I mulled over what I wanted to convey.

Do you want a relationship with him? If you do, why not email? or have you done this and the goal posts move.

@Endofyear Since a few terrible emails that derailed my life some time ago, I have preferred not to use email. I do not see any reason not to speak on the phone. But he does (and it's nothing to do with being elderly - which is not a way he would see himself at all - despite actually being elderly....) - and would get his wife to answer the phone to deflect me if I were to try to call.

@toomuchfaff yes, as above, there were some terrible emails - and letters - some a while ago, and some more recent. A lot of damage was done - but months or years later, he acts as though he did nothing "wrong" (hurtful). It's quite weird actually.

Even if I did reply promptly (and without thinking it through ---- and if I do mull it over, it becomes consuming and detrimental to other aspects of my life), it sounds as though he wouldn't bother to read it anyway.

He has played these games my whole life. So tired, and wish it could have been different.

In that case then, if you've ridden this rodeo your whole life, maybe it's time to step off, stop him calling the shots and call some of your own.

I thought I had (to an extent).... and I am NEVER allowed to call the shots.
He once referred to himself as Jupiter, and me as Pluto... more or less sums it up.

He has played these games my whole life. So tired, and wish it could have been different

People can only play a game with you when you play too. You've been feeding this dynamic, you push and poke at each other.

Aren't you tired of it? Why don't you just....stop?

As long as you keep sending the odd message, and expecting the odd message you’re going to be played by him.
The only way to change this is for you to change.
either1. Full on relationship ( will be on his terms probably)
Or 2. Nothing. You send nothing. If he sends something, you open it, then he can’t draw you in…

If you don’t change anything you will keep going round in circles

I’m not sure I get why you’re so upset by this. His communications seem pretty civil and self-explanatory to me.

But if you feel he’s dicking you around and causing you all this pain and confusion, you can stop getting in contact with him. Particularly if you’re saying that’s what he’s asking of you anyway.

As PP said, you are never going to win with him @LatteOneShotplease . Not that you want to win, you just want a reasonable relationship, but he won't allow that.

All you can do is protect yourself from any further hurt by taking some control

There's clearly a HUGE amount of backstory here, probably going back many decades.

I don't think there's anything wrong in the tone of his message as such, but clearly you'll know the subtext here OP, which we won't.

But I will say what's clear. This relationship clearly causes you a lot of pain, and has done for many, many years. And only you can decide how much you can tolerate. If you can carry on with low-impact contact, like a 2 or 3 times a year greetings card, then do so. But if you need to take it back to maybe 1 a year, then do that. Take back the control of what YOU want to do.
After all, an elderly, sick man on the other side of the world can hardly do much, whatever you decide.
Good luck to you OP.

He calls himself Jupiter and you Pluto, which is great as it so obviously shows his very being is about perceived superiority. He's all ego.
Let him live his shallow life and you aim to be around people who understand the full range of emotions. His loss!