Daughter being forced to move classes

[Theherringbones]

My year 4 child (let’s call her Rose) and another child in her class (let’s call her Betty) were good friends but over the past 3 months are constantly arguing and not getting along. These are 8/9 year olds.

Betty ‘tells’ on my daughter for everything and anything, resulting in my Rose being told off. Rose doesn’t like to ‘tell’ so doesn’t mention the things Betty does. Nothing is particularly bad, it’s eye rolling, telling her she doesn’t want to play with her this time, bickering, voice raising from both of them and now Rose tries to avoid her to prevent being ‘told on’. Betty still insists on trying to play with Rose and won’t leave her alone.

The school have contacted me over Christmas telling me they are moving Rose to another class. No consultation on this, no reasoning other than they think it’s for the best. I’ve had friends who’s children have been physically beaten and bullied and were not moved to another class!

Rose isn’t a bully, this is a friendship that’s broken down yet she’s being forced to move and is of course in absolute bits about it.

I don’t think this is acceptable from the school and want to support my child. Am I being unreasonable to fight this? Am I in the right?

I would ask why they’re moving Rose rather than Betty. If they say they have to move one of them, point out that your daughter is the one trying to get away from Betty, so surely Betty should be moved classes rather than her. Unfortunately whichever of them is moved is likely to be unhappy - but if it’s become a constant conflict between the two of them, I can see why the school would want to separate them.

They phoned you over the Christmas holidays to tell you this?

I think it would be certainly reasonable to say you would like a proper meeting with the school before the move takes place.

It would also be reasonable to ask what measures they took to solve the problem before considering a move, and if nothing, then request that they try other things first.

It may be because there is a child in the other class they think Rose will get on with better so moving her is the sensible choice but they should have told you why.

It sounds like it would be better for both girls to be separated. I think you need to be upbeat with your daughter about the change. Hopefully this will turn into a positive experience for her.

They phoned you over the holidays that's bonkers and I say that as a teacher!

It's also not ok that they are moving her instead of Betty when you haven't asked for her to be moved.

I doubt that this is the whole story.

This is quite likely. They may think this is a really good move for your daughter. Poor that they didn’t speak to you about it though.

This needs nipping in the bud and the two girls kept firmly apart asap. They are there to learn, and the teachers to teach, not this silly girly nonsense.
While disruptive, perhaps they have identified that Rose will adapt to the new class quicker.

They emailed us about it and then have obviously been uncontactable since! So tomorrow I expect replies and a meeting about it.

I agree, why not move Betty instead, especially if her parents have requested this. (Which I’m unsure is the case, it’s only a thought)

It really is! It’s so unbelievable that this is happening. It’s a private school and the other parent has 3 children at the school and I have the 1. I wonder if that carries weight with the head.

I have been involved with similar solutions at Secondary the conversation between staff normally goes.

Teacher 1: Rose and Betty are having friendship issues and need separating
Teacher 2: oh, well I have Savannah in my class she's new and hasn't really made friends yet, she likes horses / martial arts / dinosaurs like Rose. Let's move her and I'll move my seating plan so they are together.

The End

You make a good point. Rose is probably the one who would adapt better to being moved. I still think there needs to be a discussion with the parents and possibly the child/ren to decide what is best for both the girls long term.

Sometimes it’s a case of too much talk. The school need to make that decision and stop thisbin it’s tracks. They are probably as sick to the back teeth of the playground nonsense as you are.
Sad that Rose has been caught up in this. Hope she settles in her new class and keeps away from this troublemaker.

IMO the child that is easier to move, more likely to fit in with no fuss, will make new friendship circles quicker is the best choice all round.

I’d be looking at making some outside of school play dates and getting to know the new classroom mums (don’t gossip) I’d just say it’s nice Rose has an opportunity to meet more children in the school, after all Rose, in your eyes has done nothing wrong.

I'd think it was for the best personally. Rose sounds like she will be the one who copes better with the transition and I'd rather her have a fresh start with new friends than struggle on with everyday arguments and awkwardness. She might find it a massive improvement and relief when she's been in for a few days.

This is a bizarre move on the school's part.

This kind of petty squabbling is 100% normal and expected for this age group, in fact all teachers know that Y4-6 is when girl friendships are at the most high conflict and they need support to navigate them and learn to be good friends to each other as they become emotionally more complex beings. This support is often just giving them the opportunity and space to work out the problems.

I also don't know why Rose is getting told off for such petty things. When I was teaching, I did a lesson in the first week on the difference between reporting- in order to keep themselves or another child safe- and tattling- in order to get someone else in trouble. As soon as they opened their mouths to tell me a tale, I'd say, "Are you about to report or are you tattling?" and 80% of the time, they'd shut it again. Betty and Rose haven't been given a chance to sort this out by themselves without constant interference from a teacher who isn't making the effort to get to the root of the problem.