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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex's Ex

9 replies

Hayley1256 · 05/01/2025 21:13

Just looking for a bit of advice and not sure if I'm been unreasonable. My EXH moved into his girlfriends house back in April which meant that my DD8 spent the time she was with her dad there too (we do 50/50). All seemed to be OK and I did request that he starts buying clothes and toys to keep there she wasnt having to pack a bag.

Before he moved in with her we were cohabiting, our house is now up for sale which is the last part of our clean break. DD seemed OK with spending time there and said she got along with EXH's DP son (15).
I liked it too as I got my house back just for me and DD.

Just before Xmas he moved back into our house saying that they had split up and she had kicked them out as the kids were fighting , he brought with all the stuff that they had there as his ex had packed it up. My DD was upset about this as was starting to feel at home there. Ex was also blaming her for the break up as he said she was causing problems with the son and they had been fighting.

I spoke to him about not blaming her as she's a child and also spoke to her. They seemed to make up over Xmas and he was spending a lot of time there and taking DD there during his time with her but no over night stays. I didn't say anything as it all seemed amicable.

I come back from been away on new years day to find out his ex asked them both to leave on new years eve and they had another big argument in front of my DD. DD said to me they were no longer friends and just seems a bit confused as to what is going on.

I spoke to my ex who said his ex has some mental health issues, can act crazy, was using him etc - there not speaking anymore. Today him and his ex seem to be best of friends again and I'm a bit worried about how confusing this is to my DD. I've asked my ex not to take DD to see his ex until things have settled as I'm worried about her emotions. His ex thinks I'm been unreasonable and I'm not sure if I am. I just think the on/off again is so confusing for her and she doesn't know whether she's coming or going with his ex. I know I can't control what he does with her in his time so I've tried to be diplomatic and phrased it as a question for him to think about.

orry this is so long! I wondered what other people's thoughts were

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 05/01/2025 22:18

He sounds like an arsehole. I’d get your DD into play therapy. You probably can’t control what he does but I’d discourage him from bringing your DD along whilst he’s living with you since she can just stay with you and away from the situation.

Endofyear · 05/01/2025 22:31

So is he still back living in the family home until it's sold? If that's the case, I would tell him he's not taking DD to his ex/girlfriends house as all the arguing and breaking up/getting back together is confusing and upsetting for her. He can spend all the time he wants with her at home. Just because he is having a volatile relationship with a woman with mental health issues, that doesn't mean your little daughter should be exposed to it. Tell him to grow up and sort himself out. If he argues with you tell him to take you to court. Keep your daughter safe.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 05/01/2025 22:35

God no you're not being unreasonable, that's an awful thing to do to your dd.

Original poster
Hayley1256 · 06/01/2025 01:17

Mumof3confused · 05/01/2025 22:18

He sounds like an arsehole. I’d get your DD into play therapy. You probably can’t control what he does but I’d discourage him from bringing your DD along whilst he’s living with you since she can just stay with you and away from the situation.

He is! Thanks I will look into play threapy, thankfully she is generally well stable with her emotions considering she has sepeeated parents but I just want to minimise any impact on her. I'm going to suggest she just stays with me if he goes to see his ex bit think I'm going to get some push back

OP posts:
CorvusPurpureus · 06/01/2025 01:22

He needs to find somewhere to live.

Not with the on-off gf. Not with you, his ex.

He needs to rent a room if needs be & THEN start having his dd for visits.

Original poster
Hayley1256 · 06/01/2025 01:22

Endofyear · 05/01/2025 22:31

So is he still back living in the family home until it's sold? If that's the case, I would tell him he's not taking DD to his ex/girlfriends house as all the arguing and breaking up/getting back together is confusing and upsetting for her. He can spend all the time he wants with her at home. Just because he is having a volatile relationship with a woman with mental health issues, that doesn't mean your little daughter should be exposed to it. Tell him to grow up and sort himself out. If he argues with you tell him to take you to court. Keep your daughter safe.

Yes, until it sells he is planning on staying here. I'm trying to avoid DD seeing us argue so I'm hoping I can make this extra clear to him whilst she's as school tomorrow as I'm working from home. When I mentioned it to him earlier I got an unpleasant call from his ex which is part of the reason I wanted to check of AIBU. DD will be happy to stay with me and just see her dad at home. I wish he would grow up too, I really do wonder how I spent so long with such a man child!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hayley1256 · 06/01/2025 01:24

CorvusPurpureus · 06/01/2025 01:22

He needs to find somewhere to live.

Not with the on-off gf. Not with you, his ex.

He needs to rent a room if needs be & THEN start having his dd for visits.

He'll not do this and according to solicitor neither of us can be forced to move out. I was going to rent somewhere locally (I don't drive and need to be close to school) but then he moved out.

OP posts:
VegTrug · 06/01/2025 20:53

Your poor DD. What an unstable environment for her, so much upheaval. I'd keep her with you regardless, until he sorts himself out. Let him see DD at your house but not take her for overnights until he's more settled and stable.

kierenthecommunity · 07/01/2025 07:55

I spoke to my ex who said his ex has some mental health issues, can act crazy, was using him etc

of course she is 🙄

hope the house sale goes through quickly!

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