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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A weird situation regarding family, AIBU?

26 replies

YourUmberLurker · 05/01/2025 20:46

A bit of backstory: Mum and Dad divorce, quite quickly maybe a few months after my mum starts dating her coworker, shortly after they are engaged. They have now been married for probably just under a year?

An incident happened where mum and step dad (i will refer to them as M and SD futher on) were drinking and M has damaged her hand with a knife that has caused her to be off work. The “story” us kids have been told is that M tried to take it to her hand (I am unclear on the specifics) and SD tried to stop her then causing the injury. A while passes and now we roll onto nye, I get a couple of phone calls early hours into the new year but I was asleep and didnt answer. Long story short one of my brothers went round and SD (again im unclear on the exact details) is telling my brother that she has tried to hang herself, M is saying that she cant “be perfect”. Brother tells SD to stop drinking as this seems to be a massive issue, says no he cant due to his father being an alcoholic, also throwing in there that he (unclear if it was that night or maybe a prior incident) also tried hang himself.

M is currently going through menopause, taking setraline. BUT, me and both my brothers just have a nagging feeling that something bad is happening. We have all known M and she has never ever been suicidal to my knowledge or even to that level. Birth Dad was with M for a very long time and also confirmed that she was never ever like this.

I am just a really worried daughter that her mum is being mentally abused? I really do not know I have asked her to talk to me multiple times but Its the same response of “im fine” etc etc but I really do not know if I can trust that. AIBU? Help has anyone had any similar experiences?

OP posts:
SpringIscomingalso · 05/01/2025 20:54

so basically an alcoholic lives with your mum and she has such a severe menopause that she takes a very suspicious antidepressant....

I would call the police and adult social care for immediate welfare checks

Original poster
YourUmberLurker · 05/01/2025 20:59

SpringIscomingalso · 05/01/2025 20:54

so basically an alcoholic lives with your mum and she has such a severe menopause that she takes a very suspicious antidepressant....

I would call the police and adult social care for immediate welfare checks

M has been taking the medication due to work and has been for years, sorry for the confusion in the post hard to sum up a whole story in such little words. SD and M both drink but i wouldnt say they are alcoholics just seems when they drink incidents arise.

OP posts:
SapphireOpal · 05/01/2025 20:59

SpringIscomingalso · 05/01/2025 20:54

so basically an alcoholic lives with your mum and she has such a severe menopause that she takes a very suspicious antidepressant....

I would call the police and adult social care for immediate welfare checks

What do you mean by "very suspicious antidepressant"?

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 05/01/2025 21:05

It doesn't sound like mental abuse. I would suspect that both the knife wound and the NYE incident are the result of domestic violence from your SD.

Get your mum on her own and see if you can get to the bottom of things. I'd be very suspicious.

MILLYmo0se · 05/01/2025 21:08

My mam never attempted suicide or had depressive episodes until her mid 50s and we had a decade of bi-polar behaviours, several suicide attempts and then her being stable but a shell of herself on lithium. Whether it was chemo brain, menopause or effects of tamoxifen or all 3 god knows, but it's not uncommon for menopause to affect mental state.
Having said all that the relationship itself doesn't sound great, particularly adding alcohol into the mix.... I'm not sure there's much you can do bar just be there for her

Original poster
YourUmberLurker · 05/01/2025 21:08

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 05/01/2025 21:05

It doesn't sound like mental abuse. I would suspect that both the knife wound and the NYE incident are the result of domestic violence from your SD.

Get your mum on her own and see if you can get to the bottom of things. I'd be very suspicious.

Yeah it does certainly sound like DV, Ive gotten her on her own multiple times and begged for her to tell me anything. Its really hard to navigate because in reality we know nothing whats happening behind close doors.

OP posts:
ThisIsSockward · 05/01/2025 21:10

I would be worried. It's possible your mother is having some sort of crisis independent of her new husband (though related in that it may be what drove her to start the relationship and split from your dad), but I'd worry that your SD is harming her and she's covering for him. Either way, it's obviously an unhealthy situation, but unless she wants help, you're limited in what you can do. You can make sure she knows you're there for her and try to keep an eye on them, watching for signs on control or abuse.

Arran2024 · 05/01/2025 21:13

SpringIscomingalso · 05/01/2025 20:54

so basically an alcoholic lives with your mum and she has such a severe menopause that she takes a very suspicious antidepressant....

I would call the police and adult social care for immediate welfare checks

No one will be interested unless the mother reports him.

GreyAreas · 05/01/2025 21:15

It sounds like alcohol and abuse, however an increase in suicidal behaviour can be a side effect of sertraline, might be worth checking if there have been any recent changes to meds.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 05/01/2025 21:37

Sertraline can have really bad side effects.

The menopause really can have a terrible affect on mental health.

Both these things can be true AND SD can be physically abusing her at the same time. That's the one I'd focus on first, while also trying to get her to come off sertraline with GP support.

Newmumburnout · 05/01/2025 21:39

But sertraline can also have a very good effect. I would not immediately blame the AD. I take them and they have helped me massively. I would focus on the SD. Sorry your in this situation. You might need to call the police, although I'm not sure what they can do..a background check on SD maybe ?

Tahlbias · 05/01/2025 21:46

Have you tried Claire's Law?

Crapdoor · 05/01/2025 21:53

Your mum tried to hang herself? That is pretty extreme. Whatever your sd is doing it sounds like she desperately needs help. I mean professional help. Either your sd is abusing her or she is severely depressed. The fact that your sd doesn't seem to take the nye episode very seriously and isn't trying to her help would make me very suspicious. Could you speak to the police to ask what your options are here? Maybe they could advise where you and your mum could get more help?

Or ask her gp?

Mylittlebobble · 05/01/2025 22:03

I've copied this from NHS website:

If you or a loved one is experiencing a mental health crisis and needs urgent help, you can call NHS 111 and select option 2 to connect with a mental health professional.

Wonderi · 05/01/2025 22:06

I’m not defending your mum at all but my mum had a sort of break down and cheated on my dad and went off with a new man and then acted completely nuts.

Before breaking up with my dad she was accusing him of DV and all sorts and basically justifying her actions. None of it was true.

My brother did the same, left his wife and kids and got with a new woman and got engaged and having a baby within a space of a few months and again acted completely out of character.

The fact that your mum broke up with your dad and then rushed into a new relationship makes me wonder if she’s going through a breakdown like my mum and brother did.
Luckily there was no alcohol involved.

Unfortunately, as they’re adults there’s not much you can do.

But if there’s any threat of self harm then I would absolutely ring 999 (they usually send police and a paramedic out) and they can speak to your mum and hopefully see her make sense.

Wonderi · 05/01/2025 22:08

GreyAreas · 05/01/2025 21:15

It sounds like alcohol and abuse, however an increase in suicidal behaviour can be a side effect of sertraline, might be worth checking if there have been any recent changes to meds.

If she’s going through the menopause I wonder if it can affect it too.

You can try ringing the gp and explain but unless you can persuade her to come with you to see them, there’s not a lot the gp can do but hopefully they’ll put a note on the system and call her in for a check up or something.

Tidbit · 05/01/2025 22:09

Mylittlebobble · 05/01/2025 22:03

I've copied this from NHS website:

If you or a loved one is experiencing a mental health crisis and needs urgent help, you can call NHS 111 and select option 2 to connect with a mental health professional.

Agree.

There maybe be many complex and compunding reasons for her situation but its important to keep front of mind that the highest rate of suicide in women is aged 50-54 years.

Are they still working together?

Mumof3confused · 05/01/2025 22:21

If there has been a suicide attempt you must notify her GP.

JWhipple · 05/01/2025 22:23

Do a request to Claire's Law through the Police
They won't share any info (if there is any) with you but will share with your mum.

And don't listen to the "sertraline has really bad side effects"

All medication MAY have bad side effects. All medication may have had massive positive effects on people's lives, hence they are continued to be prescribed and monitored by GPs or mental health teams.

WidgetDigit2022 · 05/01/2025 22:25

Did she try to hang herself - or is a cover story for strangulation marks?

who called your brother, M or SD?

Yes, I’d be very concerned. Are you mum and dad on speaking terms?

Penguinface · 05/01/2025 22:30

Could you make up an excuse that allows her to stay with you for a while? An "I've hurt my knee and can't handle the kids" sort of thing? Time away from him might help? Obviously this depends on your situation.

I mentioned feeling suicidal possibly due to menopause to a GP and they prioritised responding to that immediately. I was told who to call and how if I felt bad again.

I would consider speaking to her GP.

username299 · 05/01/2025 22:38

Has your mum's behaviour changed since meeting her new husband? Quieter, jumpy, more isolated etc

There could be so many reasons behind her behaviour. Alcohol - she could be drinking a lot behind closed doors.

Domestic abuse - the hand wound could be in self defence. The hanging incident could be strangulation. It could also be the husband's attempt at making out she's mad.

Mental health - she could be self harming ie the hand wound and hanging attempt.

I think it might be an idea to take her out for a walk and have a chat. See if she says anything that sets off alarm bells.

You could contact Rethink for advice, they have a good mental health helpline. You could contact her GP and tell them your concerns.

Honeybee1213 · 05/01/2025 22:40

Whilst you don’t have power of attorney you can contact GP to escalate concerns with suicidal thoughts. GP could than review if current medication regieme is appropriate. Alcohol may not be appropriate with the medication and is a depressant that could effect for a number of days after drinking. It may also give your mum 1-1 opportunities to talk to GP about her mental health but may lead to her discussing any other concerns.

VegTrug · 05/01/2025 22:41

@SpringIscomingalso What on earth is 'suspicious' about a regularly prescribed antidepressant?!

ACynicalDad · 05/01/2025 22:43

I know someone has mentioned it but check out his background using Claire’s law. If he’s been caught doing things to previous partners your mum may be able to find out the history.

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