AIBU to wonder if I'll have regrets if give up career?

[Coffeebeanzz]

I'm in a senior management position earning a good salary (100k+ and bonus and several benefits). In the main the job is fine, I usually enjoy it although sometimes find it stressful. it is hard work and not without its challenges, there are high expectations and I'm surrounded by v ambitious people, but the job itself isn't so much the issue. I have a commute of a minimum of 1 hours each day, usually a bit longer. I regularly have the laptop out in the evenings and sometimes have to travel overnight (maybe once a quarter). It is a full on role.
I now have 2 small kids, 1 and nearly 4. I feel like I barely see them all week, especially my 1 year old, as she is ready to go straight to bed when I'm home. The mornings are such a rush, my older girl has to get up earlier than she would need to ask she'll be upset if she doesn't see me before I go to work and and she likes me to do her hair. At this age there's always sickness etc. it just feels so unnatural and upsetting each morning leaving them.
Weekends are hectic just trying to prep for the week ahead. There isn't a minute. Zero social life.
My husband is amazing and does the drop offs, pick ups, mostly makes dinners etc.
I'm seriously contemplating changing my role. I know part time won't be an option in my current job. I will apply for parental leave but honestly I know it will be career suicide for me, it's not an issue for those in more junior roles.
If I change role, I expect I'll have to take a massive paycut and perhaps work in a much less fulfilling role, and a much more junior role.
My question is - has anyone walked away from a good, secure job with lots of financial benefits for work life balance and if so, did you have any regrets?

YABU - life is busy with 2 small kids no matter where you work, be thankful to have a great job and the financial security that brings, I'll regret leaving as the grass may not be greener

YANBU - kiddies only small for a short while, I'll not regret it, any job will do if it means more time with kids

Thank you

l quit my job under similar circumstances OP. It’s a very personal decision so I don’t want to say it would be the right thing for everyone but it was definitely the right thing for me.

Definitely not being unreasonable. Kids are young for such a small time and you always come back to your career.
Years ago I was working for a woman who was a senior level director of technology and she told
me when her kids were born she had taken SEVEN years out!

But she had evidently come back and was killing out. I am similar to you career wise and am knackered without kids. If you can afford it, do it.

Is consulting an option?

Yes. I found being with a kid all day a lot more exhausting and unfulfilling than my very stressful and very well paid career. Social life completely died as I was drained. At least at work could go to the bathroom on demand, take a breather here and there and have an adult conversation once in a while. And at the end- not even a nice pay check or bonus; quite the opposite.

Are you able to buy in as much help as possible so that your weekends are pure family time?

Likely to have regrets either way sadly. I would suggest sticking with your job but find a way to fit it round your life, even if that means being passed over for promotion etc. You can ramp it up later.

Get as much help as possible and set boundaries - eg get to the office on time, not early, wfh when permitted, ring-fence a time in the evening to be with the kids and log on after. If you do this every day people will get used to when you're available and when not and respect it. Every mother in every organisation I have worked in, of whatever worked in, and some fathers have done this.

There's no right or wrong answer to this. It's a personal decision. You sound certain it will be career suicide, maybe that is the case, but I wouldn't be discounting future opportunities. Something equally good or better may come up when the time is right. I think you should do what works best for you now.

I took a career break - went part time and freelance. It is not easy but it was a good decision for me in the short term. Now working my way back up the ladder. I’m at the same level I was 10 years ago, largely because I kept my hand in. It is a bit galling to see where my former peers are who stuck it out - professionally and financially. I left FT work as a young and successful and I guess quite dynamic person in my 30s. I have returned as a middle aged person in my 40s whose bosses are all younger than me. I need a different work personality and in general the situation is humbling.

but it’s ok. I’ve got another 25 years left of working probably, so I reckon taking a handful out to spend time with family is not going to make a massive dent in the long run. And I did appreciate that time with the family. I think it was better for my mental health and my life in general.

the biggest downside really is that I find work a bit meaningless now, whereas I used to be very career focussed! Perhaps just my age though …

I regularly have the laptop out in the evening

How much of this is required by others (eg they are at work at that time and need your help), and how much of this is to get ahead on your workload?

Is it possible to get up and out at stupid o'clock to do that evening prep work an hour before you'd usually start, in order that the second you walk in the door at night you know you are mentally (workwise) off the clock?

Also, how much of this extra effort are you putting in is purely because you are a woman/mother and you feel like you have to "keep up"?

Are your male counterparts doing this much extra?

What would 80 year old you say was the right thing to do?

I can’t make the decision for you, I can only share my own experience.

I worked FT throughout. I’m not going to lie - it was hard. Especially when DH had to travel for work (he spent most of 2019 abroad).

BUT

They are now adults (18 and 20) and I still have a well-paid, rewarding career. DH has been made redundant 3 times in the past 6 years - my salary has saved us. I have built up a decent pension - I shouldn’t need to work beyond 60 unless I want to. My DC have experienced their mother having a career and consider this to be normal.

You're not being unreasonable, it is so hard juggling intense roles and young kids. I had a very similar situation with a non stop job and left my job almost a year ago. I have set up my own business, it doesn't pay what I did earn or even close but it does keep me in the industry I was in so I have a route back in the future if I want it. It has given me a lot more time with my little one which I've really appreciated and my little one has too. I don't regret it but it is a very big adjustment and I underestimated how big an adjustment.

It's such a personal decision, I can't say what is right for you but one thing that has helped me is. When I struggle with the decision I try and look at our family life holistically not just through a financial lens, or time with the kids, or career progression etc. When I do that I see that for my family right now it is the right thing and also that any decision you take isn't forever it's just a point in time.

Happy to chat privately if helpful as you work through what's right for you and your family.

Following this thread with interest! You are describing me OP (although sadly, I'm not nearly as senior or successful) I'm a mid-level manager role in corporate environment - and it's still pretty good money, and pretty bad for being available for my kids. Navigating my next step and not sure which way to go.

All around me, I see mums of little kids do one of two things:

1. Hang on to their pre-kid careers by the skin of their teeth, juggle like crazy, be exhausted, do a lot of outsourcing of childcare/housework (=headache to organise and often falls on the mum to sort, expensive)
2. Downsize their careers, take smaller jobs that are more flexible/Part-time to support childcare. Often giving up on the profession they had pre-kids

Both options seem sort of crap to me. But am leaning to #2. There are surprisingly few part time roles in my (large, female-dominated) sector...

PS: I'd be interested to hear what you did...

What did you decide in the end OP?

@Debtcrusher I actually posted that nearly a year ago and it's interesting reading it again now! So I stayed in the job, but I've changed how I'm working. I realised id proven myself enough in the role, and felt more confident to apply for parental leave a day a week (could only do for a few months) but it helped massively.
I've also found some ways to be able to do school drop off and/or collection etc.
It is still challenging, but I don't feel as overwhelmed and stressed out as I did when I posted this originally. But I figured I didn't want to walk away from the job without exhausting all options first - so basically I'm taking as much flexibility as I possibly can, taking more control, and if it becomes a problem at work then I will have to find a different job.
Also getting stricter on boundaries, taking some annual leave here and there and more generally just owning my reality better and being more confident to say I have to go to get home to my kids - not apologizing for that.
So if anyone is in the same boat as I am, maybe try to push for more flexibility etc and it might not be as career ending as you fear.

YANBU - they don’t stay little for long. Being more time rich can be immensely rewarding. Good luck 💐

@Coffeebeanzz you're a rockstar! So happy things are working out.

Well done Coffeeneanzz! Sounds like you are in control and have managed to strike a better balance with out huge sacrifices. Not easy 👏