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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like the back up friends

6 replies

FiFTM · 05/01/2025 20:19

Hi all,

Just hoping to get a bit of outside perspective on this! Myself and DH have a friend couple who I've known for over a decade, but who he's known for much longer. We live nearby and have always got on well and met up frequently to hang out, even gone on holidays together. I have started to feel over the past year or two that we seem to be less of a priority to them, or more accurately that we are more disposable. We still get on v well but we often find that they cancel or change plans with us at v short notice. There has been an occasion where they said they'd meet up, then cancelled, saying another couple were just coming up for a drink and it turned out they'd had a big boozy night with them. It also turns out they went out on NYD to an event we've done together a few times before, told us afterwards and said "oh, I thought you'd plans that day"... Like I don't expect to do everything together but that just felt like they'd actively tried to avoid doing this thing with us! I know this probably sounds a bit petty but I feel like we should pull back from them, I'm totally fine with making things more infrequent, as long as when we do make plans they are in general followed through on. I just don't want to make plans with people and have it constantly cancelled or delayed like our time isn't worth anything, or feel like we are the back up friends. Anyone else had this happen?

OP posts:
catsnore · 05/01/2025 20:35

Yep, time to match their energy. Put the ball in their court now, wait and see if they propose anything. Let time go by and see what happens.

I did this with someone once as I felt I was doing all the running, and they just saw me when convenient. I've seen them once in the last 15 years 😬

OtterlyMad · 05/01/2025 20:43

It sounds like they are stepping back from the friendship - perhaps you or your husband have offended them in some way, or they’ve simply realised they prefer the company of other people. Personally I would not confront them on it and just match their energy by focusing on other friends and not put in too much effort with them.

FiFTM · 05/01/2025 23:04

Thanks for your replies, I appreciate the help! I definitely agree with matching their energy, we have decided that we will pull back from making arrangements with them for the foreseeable and see how things pan out!

OP posts:
Kingoftheroad · 05/01/2025 23:26

They don’t deserve your friendship and loyalty- keep them at arms length

Kittycat1969 · 09/01/2025 13:47

I had friends like this, who never got back to us when we asked them if they’d like to do something or they cancelled all the time but would want us to do things they’d planned. They’re no longer friends as I froze them out

Mary46 · 09/01/2025 15:34

I agree cut back the contact. Like other posts on here lately they sound flakey. Dont arrange nights out going forward.

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