Lonely and want to move house

[OneVividLilacSquid]

I've spent my whole life on a mission to live in the most beautiful and rural place. After DH and I both lost our parents young, we had no ties as our siblings were all scattered. So we moved to a remote area and raised our kids there. We were involved in the community and loved it. But I still had the itch for glorious isolation and 10 years ago we bought and renovated a dilapidated farmhouse. Our younger son took a gap year and helped us and we all loved it. He got married in the garden a couple of years ago.
But he and my other DS are now gone and DH and I are alone. I finally achieved my goal of becoming a writer and so now work from home. As a result, I scarcely ever see a soul. DH has a small business locally so he still sees people most days.
I was already feeling bad, but then my brother died last year and I feel totally unmoored. I suppose I always thought moving near to him was an option I might want one day. Now, after 20 years in this area I've somehow ended up with no friends at all or any reason to be here or anywhere else. I want to belong somewhere, and feel a desperate need to move back to a village where we'll be part of a community. This idea has floored DH and DS who see our farmhouse as our spiritual home. DH says we'll never belong anywhere due to family circumstances and that I should just try to go out and see people.
i've tried going out to do activities but it's disrupted the calm I need to write and I've been unable to meet my publishing commitments this year. Everything seems to have collapsed in a heap. Am I unreasonable to think a move to a village would help?

It sounds to me like the grass is always greener for you (you left a village on purpose and say you need the isolation to write) so I would try everything before I moved my DH again.

I think it would be a crazy upheaval for the family to be honest and you might not find what you are looking for.

Have you ever thought about hosting a writers retreat a few times a year? Would you have the room and opportunity for this? You sound so successful in your field.

Seems like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place:

i've tried going out to do activities but it's disrupted the calm I need to write and I've been unable to meet my publishing commitments this year.

Even if you move to a village you'll have no social life if doing activities disrupts your calm.

What about online groups and activities? A part time job so you talk to people? Volunteer work? WI?

It sounds like you aren’t too far from a village now and your DH is fairly well rooted in it. Could you try making that your community? Sunday afternoon drink in the pub, chat to the postman, sign up to local yoga classes, join the tennis club, try out the WI, attend village events…

I think the feelings are your grief talking and if you move, you’ll end up taking those feelings with you.

How far is it to drive from your home to the nearest pub or cafe or bookshop? Can you build a routine for yourself of activities 2 days per week (cafe meet-up or volunteering or something) leaving the other days for work and the countryside?

Yes I've considered it but DH not keen to have people staying, and I think I need something more frequent. Still food for thought though. Thanks.

I think I'd like stuff going on - people passing to chat to for example. Just feeling part of something. But I know there's lots to this and it may all be more complicated.

I fear you're right.

This is my current endeavour. I've decided to stop going to the supermarket and go to local village shops instead. It feels like a small thing but I hope it may help. Thanks for the advice!

You need a balance. How could moving make any difference as you say going to an activity is disruptive? You’ll have the same problem elsewhere.

Hi OP
We are due to move to a quiet village next year. I am a SAHM with one disabled child. Things i am going to do to settle into the community.
Get a pony and keep it locally
Possibly get a dog and walk it around
regularly go to the pub
take part in village quizes
go to pilates once a week village hall
have my daughter in the local school
go to church
help out at the volunteer garden project
over time i will get to know a lot of people and i am sure friendships will develop.

yeah this stuck out to me.
Even in a busier location you would have to make the effort to interact with people. People aren't just going to walk past your house and wave hello to you as you type away to tick your box for social interaction.

I don't see how going to activities disrupts you - surely you don't work 24hours a day? Why would going out disrupt you any more than breaking off work to cook dinner or watch tv or chat to your DH when he gets home? Just plan your activities around your writing time - so write 9-5 as if you would in a standard job and do something in the evening (or whatever times work for you).

OTOH I do think your family seeing your house as "their spiritual home" sounds unbearably wanky. At the end of the day, a house, however nicely renovated, is ultimately just bricks and mortar. What makes it a home is everything else - the location, the people within it and how happy they are. If you were absolutely, 100% set on moving and knew exactly how and what you would do to be happier - e.g. "I want to move near the seaside so can take long walks and have already sussed out a local swimming group and WI I could join to meet people" or "want to move to the city where I can get to places and activities without driving, there's a theatre and a writers group at the local library" then I'd say do it.
I'd also be concerned how you and DH plan on living in your very remote, sounds as though it will need more upkeep than a standard semi - farmhouse when you get older and can't drive etc.

But you sound a bit vague, and, as a pp said, almost as if the grass is always greener.

Yeah, I didn't express myself well. I've been rushing about in a fevered way. What I want is the calm to write by being settled and happy. At the moment that seems to involve being in a community. But I know grief and empty nest stuff and all sorts of other stuff is involved too. Thanks for your comment. So hard to see things from the inside sometimes.

They definitely will! When we were doing all this stuff we lived it. Just got out of the habit since moving to this house. Good luck with your move!

All true. Every word. Thank you. I did have strong ideas of where I'd like to be and do but none of it would suit DH. So I rowed back to the village idea as something not too drastic. 😔

Perhaps you can try some of the activities like @ilovemoney suggests as a short term fix. If nothing else it can ease you back into socialising and planning your work/leisure time. But I would also have a discussion about future planning with your DH.

There's also a huge difference when one of a couple WFH, and when both do, or when both are retired and are at home together, all day, every day. Your DH might very well feel differently about lack of social interaction when he is no longer seeing people every day. And if you struggle now with distractions from writing it might be even worse with him under your feet all day! You don't want to be stuck in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, stranded for days on end if the weather is bad or you stop being able to drive, in your 70s or 80s, but neither do most people want to be planning a big move to a more manageable location at that age. Similarly the later you move the harder it will be to build up connections in your new place.

If your DS also loves your current home, would he maybe be interested in moving in in a few years if he has a family of his own? You could sell it to him, therefore keeping it in the family but you and DH could downsize? Perhaps you could try renting your place out for a year or two while you try living somewhere else, so you can always come back to it if the grass is greener?

Start a YouTube channel about your writing. Help people. Build an online community to connect with people.

That is all brilliant advice, and yes I've thought about a lot of it. DH said he wanted to die in this house (he's 58!!) and that sent me down a rabbit hole of worries about being alone in this area at that age and all the things you mention.

Thought about renting, too, just to see what it would be like to move. It's a good idea. Houses aren't selling here anyway, which is a whole other thing.

Wow! Actually I felt a lot less isolated during the pandemic when the whole writing community went online, so that's an interesting thought!

Even the snippets you have given away in your post about being in ‘the right head space’ to write are all things people (who want to write for a living or side hustle) want to know about. Honestly, on YouTube many people follow others to learn and feel connected. The more authentic the channel the better for us ordinary folk. YouTube is not just all about being famous or trending you can build an audience who wants to learn and check in with them and connect with them.

I'm sorry you feel this way. It's hard feeling that you don't belong. I think you might be better to work on your feelings where you are though, and try and build connections and belonging where you live now. It sounds like your DH has moved because of where you wanted to be a couple of times at least, and now has a business established where you are so I don't think it would be fair to expect him to move again when you are able to work anywhere.

Thanks so much for all this. It's interesting that you were all unanimous. On the face of it, to me, after 10 years in total isolation it doesn't seem totally mad to want to move back to civilisation. But everyone has picked up on deeper stuff that it all definitely true. 🤔

Agree with all of this.

I think I'd like stuff going on - people passing to chat to for example.

I mean, I live in a City, on a busy road, with people walking past all the time, but, believe me, no-one stands on their doorstep chatting to those passing-by, and even if you did , I doubt very much the people passing would want to stop and talk.

As others have said, from what you've said about your dh, it doesn't sound like you are that far from other people. You need to commit to whatever is going on in your nearest village or town - whether that is going to Church, joining the WI, the pub darts team, a campaign group, volunteering at the school or if you have a community run hall / toddler group / shop / fete or carnival that needs organising, or whatever. You can do those around even a 40 hour week writing, as most people do with their hobbies, volunteering or social life.