This is a long story and I’ll try to be concise while not drip feeding.
DS17 decided 2 years ago to stop seeing his father (my ex) after his father objected to him seeing his new respite family (DS is autistic/ADHD/OCD and receives respite care from a lovely family we have known for 12years.)
His father objected to DS spending time with this family (fully DBS checked and approved by DS’s social worker) DS’s father said they would be taking away his time with his son. In actual fact it was only planned to be one overnight a month with the respite family and DS’s father continuing to have him for 3 weekends a month (instead of 4)
DS’s father said, in a text, that due to the arrangement with the respite family , he had decided he would no longer see my DS. This text was read by my DS who responded by saying if his Dad didn’t want to see him, he wouldn’t see his Dad. My DS made this decision 2 years ago and has stuck by it.
He was already getting bored of going to his Dad’s at that point and asking to come home early or not go at all. Also his Dad was dreadfully unreliable and would often cancel the visits last minute, not be there when my DS was dropped off from school or have a row with my DS during the weekend visit and call me to come and pick him up.
Unfortunately, once my DS stopped seeing his Dad, his Dad then decided he wanted to see him after all. My DS said he didn’t want to see him, in several phone calls which ended with his Dad saying Ok he would accept this. But then he would ring again and try to persuade my son to change his mind. He sent daily emails to me, saying I was preventing him from seeing his son. The SW was involved and after speaking to my DS, they also relayed to his father that he didn’t want to see him. This resulted in my DS’s father accusing the SW of lying, having a lesbian affair with me and likening her to Lucy Letby.
Due to the harrassment, I involved the police. They told me not to respond to any of the emails, report each and every time he contacted us and they would try to build a case. My DS’s father started sending cards, letters, and presents to our house. He came by in person a few time to deliver presents to my DS. He threatened to turn up at events he knew we were attending.None of these things were wanted by my DS and he has become increasingly anxious, upset and it has affected his (and my) mental health greatly.
I have a history of coercive control with this man and although I managed to get him out of my life, he is still connected to us via my DS, who he is also trying to control.
Earlier this year, the police arrested my DS’s father for harrassment. He talked his way out of it, providing the “loving father being stopped from seeing his son by mother” narrative that he has now created.The police said he hadn’t “harassed us enough” and said it wasn’t a criminal offence but a family law matter. They advised solicitors.
In July last year, I received a letter from DS’s father’s solicitor alleging parental alienation and threatening court. I engaged a solicitor to act on my behalf as going to court will terrify my already highly anxious DS. I don’t want him to have to go through this. My solicitor has stated it remains my DS’s decision not to see his father and how damaging this process is to him. But DS’s father now wants him to go to mediation (without me) and still threatens court.
My view is that my DS’s father will just keep on bullying us until he gets the response he wants. This is how he has always operated. Constantly pushing his agenda until he wears you down and you agree just to make it stop. In this situation, I am protecting my DS and his mental health from a lot of his father’s unwanted contact. But I am bearing the brunt myself.
The solicitor has acted as a go between and I have felt some of the pressure of the past two years lifted. Unfortunately, like the police, they have not been able to prevent any of the unwanted contact, cards, presents and threats of visits (ongoing all over this Christmas and last Christmas) from continuing. I am now starting to dread receiving the frequent large bills from the solicitors every time they send an email.
My DS’s father thinks he is outside the law and this situation clearly reinforces this.I believe he will continue to do this to us forever.
So, finally (for those who have read this far-thank you) AIBU to stop paying the solicitor? I have spent thousands already and gone into debt as I’m not wealthy and live off benefits (but can’t get legal aid) to try and get DS’s father to leave my DS alone. But even with the solicitor involved, (and Social worker, teachers and police before that, who have all told him to back off and that my DS doesn’t want to see him) nothing has changed. I feel I am wasting my money and want to stop paying my solicitor but I am fearful of having to deal with my DS’s father and solicitor on my own. AIBU? WWYD? Any advice most welcome. Thank you